MCS is isolating, as we all know. Besides the need to self-protect 24/7 and besides the constant irritability that comes with each toxic exposure, I prefer my solitude. People just drive me nuts. I have no patience for them.
However, this year I have decided I need to be less reclusive. I need to meet new people, make new friends, form alliances, and find support. This is my New Year's Resolution and I'm doing a darn good job at putting myself out there, attempting to be less isolated, and being more friendly. However, believe me when I say, it's been a challenge.
Lately I've become talkative to anyone who will listen. I force myself. How else am I to meet new people if I don't expose myself? No engagement and I am invisible. My victims are the grocery store people, the librarians, the postal workers, people on the street. It's difficult for me. It somehow feels like a violation of privacy which is a clear indication of how reclusive I've become. I'm still not friendly with my neighbors. One step at a time.
So...When my postal guy said, "I know someone who is just like you."
My first question was, "What do you mean
like me?" (I really need to check my apprehension if I want to meet new people.)
"Chemically sensitive." Really? Out in the middle of no where? On the edge of civilization? Someone who is chemically sensitive? Unbelievable. (I really need to check my skepticism.)
He asked if I was willing to share my email address and he'd deliver it. (He's a great postal guy!) He told me the Man goes to his church. Church-going didn't sound like chemical sensitivity to me. Hmmm...My apprehension and skepticism was raging. Do I listen to my instincts or venture forth for some risk-taking people encounters?
I asked, "Is the Man weird? I mean is he going to stalk me or kill me or create so much stress my life would end up in the sewer?"
Postal guy didn't think so, but he informed me the Man is an artist. Oh! OK. I'm intrigued. A new artist friend would be good, someone who would not poison me if indeed he is really chemically sensitive.
I waited for about a month, but never received an email. I thought maybe the Man decided it was not a good idea and I was fine with that because I was having second thoughts myself. I like no stress in my life. I like feeling safe. The next time I saw the postal guy I ask if he gave the Man my email. He said yes he did, and he would check. The next day I received a note card in my mailbox addressed to my first name with the address added in another person's handwriting. His note was very cryptic. Or maybe he just wasn't good at writing notes? What does, "I feel for you in this new year" mean exactly? Hmmm...my instincts flared.
I emailed the Man. Much of his writing was incomprehensible, but he seemed pleasant, and I was determined to find myself a new fragrance-free artist friend so I threw all caution to the wind. We shared how we became chemically sensitive. The Man was poisoned in an industry job. I wondered if the Man had some brain damage which made writing (thinking) (spelling) difficult. We agreed to meet at a local park on Sunday morning. I worried. Is he weird? Will he stink? Oh god, this is a bad idea!
So Sunday morning I drive to the park chanting, "Be brave. Take a risk." I could see someone sitting at a picnic table halfway across the park. Is it the Man? Why is he sitting so far away? I walked toward him. He's all splayed out on the picnic bench leaning back against the picnic table, arms wide across the table, legs apart, nose stuck up in the air, refusing to look toward me. I kept wondering if his unfriendly, arrogant, self-righteous demeanor was just because he was nervous. I was nervous. I don't like meeting new people. There is always too much at stake. He had to have seen me approach him, but he refused to look at me. I walked right up to him and asked, "Are you the Man?"
He responded without hesitation, but still refusing to look at me, "Sometimes I'm not sure."
I yelled, probably louder than necessary, but feeling pissed off at his apathetic attitude and rude insensitive inconsideration. "ARE YOU THE MAN OR NOT?!" Am I wrong to have expected him to get up off his ass and at least attempt to meet me half way through the park rather than have me grovel for his attention?
He jerked to attention, finally looking at me, and stuttered, "Oh, oh, yes, I am the Man."
I sat. We talked. It was friendly. He didn't stink. We discussed MCS. I asked him if he was following any health protocols or reading any books. No, he doesn't read because he's far to busy with life. Really? His arrogance was nauseating. I suggested a dietary plan since he was having so many bad allergy symptoms. He talked about himself constantly and he kept lying to me. About everything. I have a really good sense for lying especially when the liar keeps contradicting himself. He kept repeating how honest, respectful and moral he is. I wondered why he feels he must sell me on his honesty? After a while I started excusing myself to leave, but he'd keep stopping me with another question. Eventually I got up, said good-bye, and started walking away. He yelled after me, "OK. Now what is next?"
"What do you mean?"
"What do we do next?"
I told him, "Now we go home and the next time we email we'll say 'Hello friend, how are you?'" He seemed perturbed. Clearly he wasn't interested in just a friendship, but he wasn't taking my subtle hints and he obviously misinterpreted my emails that explained my friendship goals. I felt sick to my stomach. I probably should have again explained our relationship right there, but truthfully, I didn't think he would take it well and thought an email might be safer.
As expected, the next email he went off on how it would have been a perfect date if we had a picnic. Clearly, the Man was looking for a love connection. I made it clear this was not a date nor a love connection, but only a friendship. He became defensive. He blamed it on society for making people not appreciate his honesty. Whoa. I wrote back to him told him it was ridiculous to be defensive after he so highly values honesty and I was being honest, but more importantly, if our relationship expectations are different, then this will not work. He seemed to accept that, but then he decided he needed to send me a lengthy list of facts about himself. I thought it strange how much I know about him and how little he knows about me. He hardly asked me any questions about myself.
He began emailing me continuously with a play-by-play of his daily activities, more lies, and more justification for his perfect behavior. We argued about everything especially our impending relationship.
Since I was busy with my own life, I couldn't respond to every email. The Man emailed again stating I was going to support him with his health issues and told me he would do the diet but he expected me to supervise and pick at him to death. Clearly he was under the impression this was my responsibility as a woman and his most-excellent new friend.
He informed me, "We've known each other for five hours."
My instincts were screaming RUN! HIDE! Amidst the feelings of suffocation and stress, like the good, well-trained man-pleasing woman I am from a generation long, long ago, I tried to second guess his intentions and his motivation. I thought about giving him excuses and blaming myself for not being more patient, understanding, and compliant. Should I be more forgiving? He's chemically sensitive, after all. Then I questioned as a reclusive, chemically sensitive person if I am the same: emotionally needy, high maintenance, demanding, and self-centered with a tendency for pathological bullshitting in hopes of manipulating someone into liking me. Is that me? Maybe? Damn, I hope not. Does he deserve my unconditionally devoted attention after five hours of talking about himself?
After lecturing him on gender roles and the archaic expectations of men in a male dominant society, I told him he was too high maintenance and he needed to find a woman who was willing to give him undivided attention. Although I didn't say this, I figured he goes to a Christian church. There must be a whole harem of subservient women there he can pick from.
He wrote eight emails in the next two hours with each email getting more hostile than the last. He whined about his inability to make a friend in the last fifteen years, then about all the losses he's had to endure as a chemical sensitive person and I have just damage him with yet another loss, then demanding a definition of friendship, then blaming society for not liking how honest he is. Am I that socially inept, manipulative and controlling? I didn't respond to him. I was afraid of what I might say.
I've been in fear the postman will give the Man my last name and my address. He might show up at my door one day. <Shiver> This is why I like being reclusive. I don't like people. Really.
Leave me alone.
I find most older male humans to be man-babies. They expect women to cater to their every need, support them unconditionally, to cook and clean for them, to shop and organize their lives. I know this is the way society has trained them as well as the effects of hormonal changes that make them mushy. The dutiful expectation for a woman is compromise, compromise, compromise. This man-baby encounter has made me ponder why my youthful self was trained to catering to the needs of men that in a society that gifts them control and power: my behavior on dates, my subservience during relationships, and my views of gender roles and marriage. I can look back now on the marriages I have witnessed and don't even wonder why I've never wanted to be "institutionalized" as Cher once referred the state of matrimony. It takes a certain kind of woman to be married. With age comes wisdom and I've pretty much discovered I'm not that kind of woman.
You'd think with feminism we would have grown out of these gender roles, but I don't think so. I met a man a couple years ago who all he wanted to do was to talk about himself and have me talk about him. He also bragged about having a whole stable of women who were catering to his every whim. I backed away from that really fast.
In addition to outdated gender roles, the older I get the more aware I've become of gender inequities. I'm watching the men in my life retire early with a bank load of money from doing menial jobs that didn't require a college education. My highly educated women friends are not retiring early. Why not? And I've become more aware of the difference in the way society perceives and treats older men vs. women. Older men are distinguished and experienced; older women are hysterical and ugly. I supposed menopause symptoms play a role in this perception.
Last but not least, with age comes health issues. I don't want to be anyone's nurse maid. It's one thing to meet a man when one is young, grow with him, invest in a life with him, then take care of each other as the two of you grow older together, but it's completely different to meet men when they are already old, sick, and needy. I'm not finding anything attractive about it. And I cannot even imagine imposing my own health issues on another person.
I think I've become a Man Hater! Well, in reality, I've never gotten along with manipulative, controlling man-babies with entitlement issues.
