2024: REVIEW AND RESOLUTION

This year was wild! It was an emotional rollercoaster, stressful, wonderful, horrifying, brilliant and, well, life at its finest. I survived to tell the tale!

 

AWESOME THINGS:

TAROT READING: Early in 2024 I had a tarot reading done. It was very informative and interesting. She said all kinds of incredibly accurate things, BUT then she said 2024 is the year I will MOVE! I started crying. Really! I started crying! She had no idea I was planning to put my house up for sale. Amazing.

MOVING: And I moved! "Moving" should also go under HORRIBLE things, too, due to the stress. But when all hope was lost, I kept chanting defiantly, “NO! AILENE SAID I WAS GOING TO MOVE THIS YEAR! NOT NEXT YEAR! NOT ANOTHER YEAR! THIS YEAR! I AM MOVING THIS YEAR!” And I did. As I drove away from Rathole in a Uhaul with what was left over of my worldly belongings, I had this odd sense of calm wash over me. I kept yelling at my friend who was in the co-pilot seat, “I FEEL SO CALM!” Nineteen years of anxiety, stress, and depression just melted away as I drove away!

SELLING: I started my marathon of downsizing last year and I just kept on going through 2024! I sold a four-bedroom house packed to the rafters worth of junk. I sold childhood memories, accumulated free junk, furniture, and about one hundred and fifty art history books plus another fifty or so non-art books! I still have the ads and photos and when I look through them, I am in disbelief! Near the end, I was giving things away, donating, and just chucking it in the garbage. I still ended up with too much: eighty boxes, two tables, five chairs that go with those tables, a bike, a bunch of art, and a twin bed frame. The leftovers are still being sold little by little to empty out the storage unit. I only cried twice. Once when I sold my rabbit statue that reminded me of my bunny and when I sold Kitty, the doll I had since I was four years old....But I was happy she got a new home instead of ending up in the garbage or worse, buried in the woods (as one friend suggested).

MAJOR SELLING: I sold my house! It almost didn't happen. It was close. All spring and summer - high season for real estate sales - and nothing. When I put it up for sale in May there were few houses in my area on the market and I was very happy and hopeful with the lack of competition. When June came around, everyone had their house up for sale! It was very discouraging watching my neighbors’ houses sell and mine just sit there. Actually, it was incredibly stressful. Would I be forced to stay another winter in rainy cold Rathole? Would I be responsible for financially maintaining both a house and an apartment? If you have seen photos I have posted, my house was a little unusual with bright walls, painted walls, floors and ceilings, painted switchplates and furniture, and all manner of crazy creativity. It’s not for everyone. However, many people, including some I didn’t even know, would approach me and ask, “Is your house the creative, colorful one being sold? Oh, I wish I could buy it!” I don’t know if they were just being polite, but it gave me hope. 

But still no offers. I found out of the three agents in my area, two of them weren’t showing it because there was a request to be fragrance-free and they couldn’t be bothered to go without stink in order to show it. Prospective buyers still showed up stinking of laundry detergent or shampoo. What a nightmare! I lowered the price. Nothing. I lowered the price again drastically and I got ONE offer in the fall. These people had inspections done on three other houses and deemed them not well-cared for enough. I had no hope since my house is over 100 years old, but they bought it! I am still amazed and thankful! I feel so free! No more house maintenance. No more cleaning gutters and windows. I don't care if the fence falls apart every winter or if the trees blow over onto the roof! Most importantly, no more bad neighbors. If I wasn’t so excited, relieved and thrilled it sold, I would put it under HORRIBLE for the nervous breakdown experience.

THE VAN!!!:  I finally bought a van! After searching for a van for nearly a year, buying Big Blue was sudden, easy, and comfortably meant to be. I was not prepared to move into a van and live in one, but I did, mostly out of necessity. The very steep learning curved adventure commenced! I really should put this under the SO-SO category since the adjustment was anything but awesome, but after two years of researching and planning, I finally did it and that is awesome! No more rent costs or utility payments. Free to travel and explore. The adventure begins!

 

TRAVEL: I haven't ventured out much yet with Big Blue as I'm trying to get her outfitted for independence and waiting for winter to be over, but I have explored a lot of Arizona and New Mexico! So fun being nomadic!

FRAGRANCE-FREE MCS FRIENDS! I finally found my tribe! It’s amazing going to social functions with these people and not have to worry about being poisoned!

FRIENDS: I made more friends here in Tucson in the first two weeks than I did in Rathole in nineteen years!

CYCLING: Tucson has cycling clubs, cycling paths, cycling shops, cycling swap meets (the biggest in the country), and cyclists. Lots of cycling! It's amazing to be able to ride my bike again after it's been stored in a closet for nearly twenty years. The first time I got teary-eyed. I have found an older women's group to ride with...more my speed! Excellent.

PEN PALS: I love my pen pals! Not only is letter writing good entertainment, but with this move it provided much needed stability and support. One of my pen friends sent me a collaged card she made in honor of my move that I received my first day in Tucson! I love it! I felt so honored.

SO-SO THINGS:

TUCSON: I moved to Tucson. I don't know. Initially I was really excited. Then I encountered the worst human on earth (see below under REALLY, REALLY HORRIBLE EXPERIENCES...) which greatly affected my feelings for Tucson It should have been great. This city has a multiple chemical sensitivity community, an art community, sunshine and dry weather most of the time, a lot of health- oriented grocery stores, lots of friendly people, and the whole city is one big bike lane! What could go wrong?  I now see the bad roads, bad drivers, constant congestion, expensive food, and Republicans. It's definitely not warm here in the winter at night dipping into the 30s, but it's not raining.  I was hoping my health would improve as so many have claimed, but it has only seemed to get worse. I wrote a summary post on Tucson.

ART: I tried joining some art groups: plein art and watercolor, but 1) the artist-members were really talented which made me feel stupid, and 2) when life got stressful, I stopped going. Maybe I’ll try again in the future.

UHAULING: I feel really proud I packed up what was left of my house into a Uhaul truck and drove all the way across four states. Driving 9 hours one day, then 15 hours, then 12 hours, then 3 hours was exhausting. My friend came with for company and that was fun. The truck was on the verge of breaking down the whole trip and we couldn't remove the key out of the ignition unless we wanted to be stranded. We slept at rest stops and truck stops. Then I unpacked the truck myself. Did I really do that? At my age?

REALLY, REALLY HORRIBLE EXPERIENCES:

THE PSYCHOPATHIC LANDLADY PIECE OF GARBAGE: I rented a tiny apartment from an elderly, possessive, self-centered, egocentric, obsessive psychopath who was in my face everyday criticizing, questioning, demanding and compulsively pathologically lying every step of the way. I was so incredibly stressed out and unable to function, tiptoeing around in my own home and afraid to touch silverware for fear she’d hear me, and paranoid as hell. When she'd hear me open my door on arrival, she's show up on my patio demanding to discuss some imaginary issue or demanded to know what I might be doing that she didn't like. She instructed me on requirements for cleaning the apartment and even what products to use, what I was allowed to do, what I can bring into the apartment, when I could use the patio at my door, threatened me if I left the gate unlocked, on and on and on. If I asked her a question or informed her of anything, she perceived it as a personal attack and would become vengefully defensive. Then she began wafting scented something through the HVAC system and that was my breaking point. I saw a lawyer and started defending myself. She eventually agreed with me this wasn’t working for either of us and let me out of my one-year lease. Thank god for small miracles! I can't believe I survived that. I will never in my life rent again.

THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: How does that happen? What is the point of voting if my vote doesn’t count because of this idiotic electoral college? It was rigged. Men with money who have friends with money can get away with nearly anything. Money and male dominance is the American way. I've heard about some of the voting statistics and how they aren't making sense. But this is our political system. I’m sick to my stomach. But at one point I told a friend if voting for the buffoon would make this psychopathic witch disappear out of my life, I would in a heartbeat!

RENTAL SEARCH: I was so stressed out knowing if someone bought my house, and I only had thirty days to move, would I be able to find a safe place to live? I made two trips to Tucson and couldn't find much. I finally settle on a tiny apartment owned by a woman who claimed to be fragrance-free who ended up to be a raving psychopath (see above). The stress of it all was unimaginable. I don't ever want to do that again ever!

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION FOR 2025: I don't have one. I told a friend I have had so many things happen in the last year, so many goals met, so many dreams fulfilled, I've had enough resolutions come true in 2024 to last me at least five or ten years. Maybe my resolution is to be calm, stress-free, and happy?

 

 

 

 

2023: Review and Resolution

 

There is so much to be said about 2023! Let's get started:

EXCELLENT STUFF:

ART FESTIVALS, MARKETS, AND OTHER SUMMER EVENTS:  I've written a whole post on this called "The Escape Plan". It was wonderful, fun, exhausting, lucrative and kept me busy all summer. I got rid of a lot of art and made way more money than I could have imagined.

EBAY: I also wrote about eBay on the "The Escape Plan" post. If you need to get rid of "stuff", eBay is the place to go! It's a very steep learning curve, but once you survive it, it's very easy. If you enjoy thrifting, using this venue to resell can make you a lot of money.

ART: Doing art has always been life-affirming. It's great entertainment. I spent all year decorating envelopes, painting rocks, painting canvases, painting watercolors, painting frames, and painting signs. I had two commissions this year: one an acrylic canvas and the second a watercolor wedding portrait. Currently I'm painting sand dollars!

PEN PALLING: I have a great group of pen pals. It's been fun decorating envelopes for them. I appreciate their friendship and conversation.

FRAGRANCE FREE PEOPLE: I appreciate anyone I come into contact with who doesn't stink.

HEALTH CARE: For most of the year I avoided doctors and that always serves me well. At the end of the year I found a new health care practitioner. She seems wonderful, new, eager, open-minded. However, I've only had one appointment and I know they usually fail by the third appointment. For now this is a win and I'm hopeful.

FREE STUFF: I'm still getting free stuff at the local Christian thrift store, just not as much as they've cracked down. They are now taking time to clean and fix things rather than throw them in the free pile. Darn it all. Still, I've gleaned some excellent things throughout the year and years before. Christmas cards, for one.

CHRISTMAS CARDS: The free store is always putting Christmas cards in the free pile. Prior to Christmas I had about 300. This year I gather them up and sent them to three different senior care centers! I figured there are lots of people in these assisted living places who don't have family or friends and might like a cheerful Christmas card. It makes me feel good to imagine they might be giving someone Christmas joy.

HO HUM, IN THE MIDDLE, NOT GOOD/NOT BAD OR BOTH STUFF:

POST OFFICE: Selling on eBay and pen palling means I am subjected to the postal abuse too often. A lot of the time the postal workers are wonderful and helpful. Other times my letters never arrive and no one seems to know what has happened to them. Really? Tracking is useless. If the package or item disappears, even enroute, there doesn't seem to be anything they can do! It's just gone! Very irritating.

HEALTH DIAGNOSIS: I was finally diagnosed with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. This isn't a surprise as MCAS has been linked to both MCS and Hashimoto's along with allergies and food sensitivities. It all goes together, unfortunately. It seems to be the answer to all my symptoms that every doctor in the last twenty years didn't seem to understand or had no answers. Ah ha! This should probably go under "Bad Stuff", but it's is good to finally have a diagnosis so I know what it is, but it sucks to have it. I've started a low-histamine diet and attempting a very expensive prescription. We'll see. 

NEW HOME SEARCH: What a hassle, but hopeful!

BAD STUFF:

VEHICLES: Oh the horror! Trying to buy a vehicle when one is chemically sensitive is a nightmare. I did find a non-smelly salesperson who I really like. He seems to have a keen sense of smell until he desperately wants to sell me a car that has already been detailed with stink then all of a sudden he claims he's had a cold so forgive his zero sense of smell. Totally untrustworthy for a buck. On top of that, used vans are rare...there are few and far between. If I want to order a new van (which I don't), I'd have to order it and it takes a year to get! Wow! On top of THAT (!) my old van is now so old it's leaking! What a hassle. My old van has been the best vehicle I've ever owned, but I waited too long to sell it. On top of THAT (!!), my adorable Scion IQ is so old and the model is no longer made so finding parts is a challenge. Damn. She may need to be sold as well.

DEATH: Old friends are dying! I tend to stalk my old friends as a way to catch up and stay in the loop. One hadn't posted anything for a while which is very odd. She died! So discombobulating. I went to tell another mutual friend we had and she has just been diagnosed with cancer and has been given two months to live. It's freaking me out. It's making me sell stuff and clean out my house much faster!

2024 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS: Stay alive...MOVE! It's going to be a great year!

REMOVE YOUR FUCKING SHOES!

 

When people visit my house I expect them to remove their shoes before entering. This has been a lifelong practice because I grew up on a farm. Tracking mud and cow manure into the house would have gotten me killed back in the day after I would be expected to wash all the floors. Even though I don't live on a farm now, I still live in an area of the country where it rains constantly, mud is a daily phenonmenon, and I still hate cleaning floors.

Being chemically sensitive adds a twist. After reading about all the toxic garbage we track into our houses on our feet: herbicides, pesticides, dog shit, cat shit, gasoline, motor oil and any number of chemicals left on sidewalks, streets, and grassy lawns, I felt justified in my practice.

Trying to tell this to my visitors starts a war. They argue non-stop, often right through the visit. I offer clean slippers or socks in place of shoes, but they still argue. They demand reasons only as a delay tactic as after I give them reasons, they continue to argue. I have been told I am a failure at hospitality. Even after I've said removing shoes is a common tradition in Asian households, I've been told sarcastically, "Well, I'm not Asian."

I finally gave up. Some of my friends are no longer allowed at my house. New friends are warned in advance. If they don't want to remove their shoes, then don't come over. 

Then there are the people who come over, very willing to remove their shoes, but they aren't wearing socks. Sorry, I don't want anyone's sweaty, fungal feet on my floors. One of my friends started arguing about how it's good for her feet to be barefoot on my floors. Ah, no. Gross. Or people with socks dirtier than their shoes. Ah, no. Really gross. Put the damn slippers on! 

My final strategy designed to communicate my rule clearly is to hang a large sign on my door "REMOVE YOUR FUCKING SHOES!" I hope that's clear. I hope they can read. I have no confidence this sign will do the trick. It's easier to just avoid visitors with filthy feet who often stink.

There is no winning. It's better not to invite people over for a visit.

I recently came across an article that was totally vindicating entitled "The Dirty Truth About Taking Your Shoes Off at the Door" link HERE  https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/leave-germs-door-experts-asking-153426663.html

Even in the comments, everyone is arguing!!

Pen Pals

 I had pen pals when I was in high school. My best friend moved away in ninth grade and we had letter writing contests until we were off to college. My French teacher had us sign up for international pen pals so we could practice our language skills so I had pen pals in France and England. I loved writing letters. This was before computers so they were handwritten and snail-mailed. Then we all grew up, got busy with life and writing letters went by the wayside.

A blog I followed wrote a post on friendship and letter writing. The post suggested, if brave enough, to submit our addresses if we want to exchange letters, postcards, happy thoughts or support with the other blog followers. I thought this would be a wonderful way to meet people and converse safely without chemical exposures so I gave it a try.

I started by sending birthday cards in Christmas envelopes to anyone who sounded compatible or people who were going through a tough time. I sent some postcards with uplifting quotes. It felt good to send happiness and cheer through the mail. I love to write about nothing. I love to decorate. This was fun!

People wrote back with their own cards. Some sent art, stickers, decorations. Others discussed their interests, hobbies, travels, health, family, and books they are reading. One woman who was experiencing grief wrote telling me she thought my printing style was "very comforting, creative, uniform and decisive". It made her feel calm amidst the surrounding turmoil she was experiencing. Wow. Who would have thought printing would have that kind of effect on anyone?

Some wrote only once and others kept writing. Handwriting letters is odd. First, it's totally not like typing. You can't just free write thoughtlessly and correct mistakes as you go or you end up with one messy letter. It took me a while to get used to the idea that once I sent the letter, there won't be an immediate response like email. I also found I couldn't remember what I wrote in the last letter so I had to start copying the letters. How did I used to write a letter and not copy it? The anticipation of waiting for a response is both fun and frustrating. I wonder what is taking them so long? I wonder if they decided to stop writing. I wonder if I said something stupid or off-putting!

Then one woman sent me paper and an envelope that she watercolor washed in bright colors! It was so joyful, creative and inspiring to find something in my dark and dreary mailbox besides dark and dreary bills! I was absolutely dazzled and delighted by the brilliance. I was determined to share this experience with not only my pen pal who sent me the watercolored paper, but with all my other pen pals. Everyone deserves to be dazzled. I also got some free envelopes with cellophane address windows.

Here are a few of my watercolor envelope designs and interior cards to cover the windows: 

Being Thankful

Chemically sensitive people have a difficult time with holidays. These are traditions that demand family time and friendship connections never advantageous to anyone who can't be around the toxic bad habits of stupid humans. Around this time of year I read so many websites for MCSers and EMF sensitive people featuring comments and posts on how sad people are they can't participate or worse, how their family or friends criticize them for faking it or just being a general pain in their backsides.

I don't do holidays anymore. Even before I was chemically sensitive, holidays were contentious. Most of my family not only had toxic hygiene, but smoked incessantly forcing me to stand outside in the rain for most of the day. I'd have to suffer their smart ass questions about my latest diet or comments about weight gain and their jokes about why I was standing outside were insensitive and exhausting. Holidays were always filled with disappointment.

As a young adult I spent many holidays with friends. Sometimes this involved sharing their families. I always appreciated their hospitality, but I always felt like an outsider, an intruder. It was uncomfortable. I had one friend reprimand me for a homemade apple pie I brought as a contribution. Really? It wasn't her family's tradition. REALLY?

My favorite memories are the Friendsgivings when a group of single friends would get together for a potluck celebration. Those were often really fun and sometimes wild. When I became chemically sensitive the parties became difficult with people forgetting not to wear perfume or essential oils. Many times I'd have to leave before the meal was even served.

I've gotten used to my solitude. It's taken years to get to this point as initially all this isolation was soul sucking. Now I rather enjoy not being harassed for who I am by thoughtless relatives. I enjoy a day where I can do what I want without the stress and worry of who will poison me, who will insult me, who will disappoint me, or who will treat me like a second-class citizen. I don't have to worry what I should bring for a potluck dish or hostess gift and I won't feel slighted when my potluck dish stays and I have to leave.

I am thankful.

Walls of Words

Entertainment is limited for people who are chemically sensitive. We must isolate from people, either unenlightened individuals who have no clue how to be fragrance free or masses of humanity who group for social events such as restaurant dining, concerts, theater, movies, sports, family functions, and the like. We find ourselves exiled and isolated from others. 

Although I've gotten used to being alone and have found ways to entertain myself in my isolation, I often tell people I am "socially starved." The unenlightened don't normally understand this concept. They have zero empathy because for the most part it is unfathomable to them. The pandemic shed some light on the lifestyle of many chemically sensitive when so many people were forced in lockdown to stay at home, stay away from people to stay safe, and find ways to self-entertain. The unenlightened complained of gaining too much weight. Yep, it comes with isolated self-entertainment. We eat to self-medicate. 

I've discussed forms of isolated entertainment in other posts: creative projects, gardening, walking, television and movies, music. These are great to keep one's mind occupied, but "social starvation", a total lack of human contact and communication, is a whole other form of torture. I crave communication. I am not necessary lonely or in need of company...I just want to communicate. This blog is a great outlet. Email is a god-sent. How did we ever survive without computers? I can't imagine being chemically sensitive at a time when there were no computers or online connection. Thankfully the world wide web keeps us connected to the world, perhaps indirectly, but it's still a connection.

I have been bestowed with the gift of gab. I can talk or write non-stop if given the chance. As an extreme introvert, I never used to be like this, but I have evolved through isolation to seek out strategies of connection and communication. 

My last real "date" with a man was not supposed to be a date. Under normal dating circumstances, I would have conversed like a normal person, discussed topics, answered and asked questions. Because I viewed it as a non-date, I didn't care about conversation etiquette and proceeded to talk non-stop about anything. It was like uncontrollable vomit, purging all the words I'd kept inside for too long. He was fragrance-free and kind of quiet so I was having a good time. At the end of our "non-date" he said, "You sure are a great communicator!" I think a normal first date would not have been so verbose in an attempt to look rationale. He actually wanted to go out again, but since it was a non-date, I declined. This also made me realize my past dating behaviors might have been self-sabotaging. I should have just let loose and talked non-stop. I might have been considered more interesting!

My emailing addiction can become out of control. Every now and then I meet someone new or reconnect with someone old and we begin to correspond. For reconnections, the reminiscing is grand and the updates and sharing what we've done with our lives is phenomenal. It can go on for quite a while, but we eventually run out of things to say, the emails slow down and then stops except for an update every few months. That is normal and expected. I know I can write them under the table. I've had people finally tell me, "OK! Too much! I can't keep up!" One friend told me I was exhausting her. At first I thought, It's email! Just don't read! It's not like a phone that is ringing and demanding attention." I think, however, that etiquette demands emails to be read and answered and this overwhelmed them.

So I started monitoring my emails, managing their length and frequency. My rule was I could only write as much and as long as the other person. I thought I was the queen of compromise, but nevertheless, I still had people scream, "TOO MUCH!" This was confusing. Too much? You are writing just as much if not more than I am!? Case in point, on the day one friend told me it was too much she sent me four emails. Then a week later sent me two letters! Last week she spent one day emailing me eleven times!!!!!!???? Confusion is an understatement. I think it's more about CONTROL. Regardless of mental state or reasoning, writing was still taking up too much time, time the unenlightened don't have because as people who are not chemically sensitive, the world called to them. They had things to do, places to go, and sane people to see, people who weren't locked in their houses at the computer writing 24/7. They don't understand the isolation of chemical sensitivity nor the lack of entertainment or communication options. I tried to apologize and explain how socially starved I am. They don't care.

I've always searched for MCSers who want to correspond. Some do, but most are very negative and it's very draining. I do understand. It's difficult being chemically sensitive, sick, resentful and angry at the world for this forced reclusion. I try to control my posts on this blog so I don't get too negative, but it oozes through like a festering wound especially during times of uncontrollable frustration. I just want to vent to get it all out.

I recently met another MCSer who was uncommonly cheerful. We started responding to each other's posts on a MCS site. She was hilarious. Her writing style is joyful and upbeat. I figured maybe she was on some good drugs. She told me we were "twinsies". HA! She constantly made me laugh. We began messaging each other outside the group and she warned me, "I can write WALLS OF WORDS!" LOL! Oh, my god, I think I found my people!

That joy lasted about a day before she began ranting non-stop about how horrible her life is, how horrible her childhood was, how horrible her family is, how horrible her ex-boyfriend from forty years ago was and my super empath sucked all that toxicity in and I became irritable and stressed out. She explained she doesn't want to converse because she's so passive it makes her feel judged. She just wants to talk about herself. I wanted to scream "DO A BLOG!" LOL. I just can't do MCS people. I'm sure they can't do me either.

Fragrance vs. Friendship

I hate my neighbors. The bad dog owners who's dogs bark all day while they are at work or on vacation, the backstabbing betrayals, the gossips, the adults acting like teenage deliquents, the fruit thieves, the entitled. I do everyting in my power to avoid them, nevermind most them are scented with stink. I live as if I'm on a deserted island visiting far away places when I need a friendship fix.

My new neighbor moved in last year. I was so thrilled when the old neighbor moved away and took her barking dogs and sky rats with her I would have embraced anyone who replaced her. I watched my new neighbor. She has a dog. I waited to see what kind of dog owner she was. The dog never barked. That says a lot! She hung art OUTSIDE her house. OMG! She must be my people!

On Valentine's Day I sent her and her husband a Valentine's Day card and welcomed them to the neighborhood. We began communicating via email using the pandemic as a reason not to meet in person. Her first comment was I am the nicest person in the neighborhood. I told her the whole rest of the neighborhood would probably disagree. I started running into her at the park while she walked her dog. I couldn't help myself and with the instructions we wear masks and social distance, I invited her over for tea. I did explain I was chemically sensitive so no fragrances are allowed. She said she would comply.

Tea was lovely. I showed her around my house, my art, and gave her a watercolor that she loved. Yes, we failed miserably at social distancing, but I had covid and she was vaccinated so I threw all caution to the wind. We took our masks off to drink tea, but then replaced them immediately. I am still worried if I can get the latest covid variant so I'm being very cautious.

As we shared our life stories, our discussion turned to chemical sensitivity. She confessed she wears perfume. She LOVES perfume. She couldn't live without perfume, but she was taught not to wear it in public and she definitely would never wear it around me. I had a bit of a panic. In my experience, perfume wearers are dangerous. Life threatening. They always fuck up and forget. But I wanted her as a friend. I adored her. I needed someone in my immediate vicinity for support. Could she be a friend?

After she left, I removed my maks and went back into the house. It reeked strongly of laundry detergent. I got out all my fans and air purifiers and cussed at my stupidity. Severe migraines lasted for three days. Mental note: she's not allowed in my house again. I talked myself into thinking wearing masks outside might shield me from future misery, but I had a bad feeling this friendship might be short-lived. We'll take one day at a time and I will enjoy her company until the end.

We emailed constantly sharing our art and our daily existence. I volunteered to feed her cat one weekend when she went out of town. While in the house my mask slipped down and I realized after one inhale her house reeked of toxic perfume. I made a note never to go into her house. 

She got a new, hyperactive, adorable puppy and I began to help her walk her dogs. After our walks we would visit six feet apart in her backyard soaking in the sun and talking about everything. She kept saying she was replacing her scented products with unscented, and she wasn't wearing perfume very often. It was SO FUN to have a friend and I had hoped with time and enough education she would eventually be totally fragrance-free. Her husband has a debilitating autoimmune disease. I carefully mention her perfume and scented products could be making him worse.

The back pain started in March, but I didn't associate it with chemicals. My lungs would feel painful. Breathing was sometimes difficult. These symptoms I associated with covid long-hauler side effects, but they went away for a while returning in...the summer? Really? It still didn't register. What about the constant, but minor coughing? Then my throat started feeling inflammed. For a month. It got so bad my doctor thought it was strep throat. WHAT? Strep throat doesn't last a month...does it? I start going down the rabbit hole testing my thyroid and my lungs.

My chest x-ray showed scarring and my doctor says, "Have you had any lung diseases in your past?" Oh, for god's sake! We are in the middle of a pandemic! She actually has never asked me if I had covid and I don't see the point in sharing since the medical community is incapable of knowing what to do with covid. But what about the "borderline hyperinflation"? Normally that would be caused by asthma or COPD. Hmmmm...

So my new neighbor-friend and I are on a dog walk, I share my test results and tell her lung hyperinflation is probably caused by chemical sensitivity since chemicals impact my lungs.  I mention she's really the only person I've been seeing lately because of the pandemic. She off-hand says that she's still using perfume, but I'm wearing a mask so how could I be exposed? I tell her about the migraines I had after she left my house one day. She said, "No way!" (I hate being discounted.) I also tell her humans inhale through their eyes and skin. She laughed and replied, "I guess I'll have to stop using Dove soap." I stared at her dumbfounded. OMG.

I pondered all the facts overnight and became angrier with each minute as I realized how much in denial I have been in just to keep my new friend. She's been poisoning me little at a time over the past few months and I blamed it on anything but her stink. Soap, laundry detergent, lotions, and perfume. She also said she wears the same clothes over and over again before washing them. She's killing me.

I resisted the next step. I hate losing friend over chemical sensitivity. I eventually told her I can no longer be around her if she isn't fragrance-free. As I assumed, she didn't understand "fragrance-free" means FRAGRANCE-FREE. And as usual, she's not willing to give up her scented products. Fragrances are more important than friendship.

I'm trying not to be utterly disappointed and depressed. I knew it would come to this. People who use fragrances don't have a clue. There is no hope. It's useless to donate a box of unscented products in hopes of converting them. I know. I've wasted money before doing just this. They are addicted. I think she'd actually have to go through rehab in order to be my friend and then of course, wait six months to get it all washed out of her clothes and her house de-perfumed.

Masks

I reconnected with an old friend a few years ago and when we decided to meet and reminisce about  old times, I immediately warned her about my sensitivity to chemicals especially scented products. While so many people will respond with doubt and sarcasm making disclosure uncomfortable, she was eager to accommodate my requests to be fragrance-free and non-toxic. Or so I thought.

We planned our first outing over a weekend since she lived three hours away. I invited her to arrive on Friday and stay the night. I figured this way if she failed at understanding my instructions and was willing to detoxify herself in my shower, that might work. She cancelled Friday because she felt "frumpy".

Oh, god, here we go! It all came rushing back. This is the friend who cancels at the last minute on a whim. She decided she would arrive Saturday morning. Hmmm...this is a risk, but I complied. I was eager to add an old friend back into my life so I took the chance. She showed up reeking of laundry detergent and I was sick all day.

Over the next few years she eagerly asked for fragrance-free advice, and I, with high hopes, gave it. I bought her $50.00 worth of soaps, detergents and other unscented, non-toxic supplies as encouragement. I had a feeling this would be a waste of money because if there is one thing I've learned, if people aren't fragrance-free, they won't get it. It's often beyond their comprehension.

We tried a few more outings and each time she stunk to high heaven for a variety of reasons: new detergent, new hair shampoo, new automobile air fresheners, and each time when I mentioned the need to stand away from her she looked at me like a deer in headlights. She just doesn't have the brain function to be fragrance-free. I learned with experience to avoid her. I ignore her constant requests for recreation and her empty promises of chemical sensitivity empathy.

During the pandemic she started sewing facial masks. I applauded and encouraged her efforts. She offered to send me one. OK! Masks are not easy to come by so I was excited to get one. She informed me she'd sew it then hang it outside for a few hours. I've heard from so many to "hang things outside". Do people really think airborne virus germs will just go away with a good airing out? I'm not sure the reasoning.

She sent three masks. I was excited. They were all sealed in plastic bags. As soon as I opened one I could smell the stench of laundry soap. REALLY? I put them outside on my porch. Even the plastic bags were smelly. I tried to wash a plastic bag. Nope. The stink stuck. I took one of the masks and tried washing it. I tried five times. Still stinks.

You can't imagine how disappointed I was. Not only that she went all the trouble during a stay-at-home lockdown to mail them to me, but she still doesn't get it. I didn't want to confront her in light of her generosity, but I did ask if I could donate one to my nurse friend who didn't have a mask and she was happy to comply. I donated all three.

Eventually the subject came up when she was commissioned to make masks for a senior care center. I suggested she not wash them in fragranced laundry detergent. She responded with, "But I didn't use any detergent when I washed yours!" But she washed them in a washing machine contaminated by her toxic laundry detergent. If that stink was just residue, she's using some really toxic detergent these days. I tried patiently explaining and her response was, "Well, it's really too bad, but some people just can't comply."

So how do I tell this so-called friend, who claims she cares about me, misses me, and still after that conversation constantly asks, "How are you doing?" or  "Can we Facetime?" that she is one of my poisoners? She and those like her who wear toxic stink contaminate the air that should be shared and affect where I can go and how I exist? How do I tell her she's not a friend at all, but that she's one who makes me miserable and is trying to kill me?

Anyway fellow MCSers, beware of handmade, toxic facial masks! They might be made with fabrics that have been treated with chemicals or washed in toxic laundry detergent!

I found some patterns online.

This one is my favorite. It has one piece that you cut six times so no multiple pieces to figure how to fit together. It has a little pocket for a coffee filter. The video instructions are fast and easy:

Here is the website address: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aUSBLlsvSo

One is called the Olson and it's the one hospitals are requesting if people want to make and donate. It has a pocket for a fancy hospital filter that the hospital will add, but I think the average person can use a coffee filter or other. The video is a little wordy and long so I skipped through the babble to get the instructions. You can find the pattern pieces online with scanty instruction. I'm not much of a seamstress otherwise so I needed really clear, visual guidance:

Here is the website address: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnVk12sFRkY

If you sew your own, you are able to choose non-toxic fabric that doesn't stink. I used used, cotton sheets. Organic would be optimal, but I wasn't willing to cut apart my very expensive organic cotton sheets just to make a mask. A study showed tightly woven cotton sheets up to 200 count are nearly as good for protection as N95 masks. Cotton is more comfortable than synthetic fabrics especially during the warmer summer months. I also added a stitched pocket across the top and used wide twist ties for the nose fitting part. I like the simplicity of elastic loops over the ears that wouldn't get tangled in my hair, but they proved to be painful and uncomfortable and then kept falling off when my ears got tired. I also tried elastic over the head and ties over the head, both fine, but tangled in the hair.

I only had white sheets so they look like face diapers! I like it that so many are now wearing masks so I don't feel like a social misfit when I do wear one. I can now walk into most smelly stores and feel somewhat protected!

Reconnection

Rock painting has provided so much entertainment in the past few months. It's an activity that keeps on giving...

Case in point: I'm lurking on one of the rock groups from a neighboring town and I see a familiar yet unusual name. Is that my friend from elementary school? The one who moved out of state at the same time I moved far away after my mother died and we lost contact with each other? IT WAS! Wow.

We met at a park for some rock searching/hiding and shared memories we had of our childhood together. It always amazes me the memories others have of my past, most of which I have forgotten, and the things I remember for which they have no recall. This is someone from my previous life which is rare. We didn't go to the same school, but our mothers were friends which makes it even more special. It felt like finding a long lost sister. What amazed me is we went through life with much of the same experiences, we have similar hobbies, and we both drive tiny cars! So fun to reconnect. This is how kindness rocks work!

I did request she be fragrance free, and of course, she forgot. However, right away she was cognizant of it. She quickly apologized and warned she put lotion on earlier that morning. I think it had dissipated by afternoon and couldn't smell it, but I don't need to smell it to react. We were outside in the fresh air so although my throat became dry and scratchy, it was tolerable. I appreciated her awareness.

The Toxic Suck

Negativity is a constant battle for the chemically sensitive. We regret what we've lost which makes us sad. We feel frustrated at our daily limitations and constant sacrifices we are forced to make to stay safe and healthy. We fight toxic exposures which try our patience and make us angry. 

I try to avoid negativity on this blog because I know how constant pessimism can effect one's attitude.  I avoid complaining about how I feel because I think it affects my general attitude and physiological health and would rather chant positive affirmations tricking my brain into thinking I feel great. This has actually helped me over the years. I do believe the neurological research that states the brain is very plastic and easily manipulated. I also try to surround myself with positive energy and happiness while I search for everyday joy in nature (gardening), creativity (art projects) and recreational activities. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't. If I haven't written a blog post for a while it's usually because I am writing them but I then delete them one by one before posting because I think what I'm writing is too negative. Some slip through but only if they are about people I've encountered.

People contact is always a negative risk. Not only do we have to worry about their poisonous habits, but so many have their own health issues and life challenges that hang a dark cloud over everything. I avoid MCS support groups and other chemically sensitive people for this very reason.  I'd like to avoid all doctors, too, since they tend to be the main cause of any frustration. Every now and then my life gets infiltrated with negativity and I suck it up like a sponge. Then it just boils out of me. I hate that. (Oops! That's negative....)

Recently I had an old ex-friend email me. I hadn't heard from her since I moved to the edge of civilization. I purposely purged her from my life not wanting to deal with her selfish, backstabbing, self-centered behaviors. She's been depressed most of her life, struggling to keep her head above water, and inflicting negativity on everyone around her. Fifteen years ago I told her she needed to give up caffeine for her health as her anti-depressants clearly weren't working. She laughed and told me I was ridiculous. I was really excited to hear from her. I thought we could reconnect, share, converse, have fun, maybe rekindle our friendship. Then I asked, "It's been so long! How have you been?" 

My mistake. She's now more depressed than ever contemplating suicide. Still drinking caffeine, but she has added cigarette smoking, alcohol, and pot to her arsenal of self-medication. Her selfishness is embarrassing. She began emailing me long monologues wallowing in self-pity with little interest in anything to do with my life or what I've been doing since our last encounter so long ago. She wasn't interested in a reconnection or a reattempt at friendship. She just needed someone's attention. I'm guessing she ran out of patient friends and started searching her archives of ex-friends. At one point just when I thought she would finally acknowledge something personal I said about myself, she responded with one sentence and, "Well, enough about that, let's get back to me." If I hadn't already suffered for days reading her lengthy, one-sided rants I would have thought she was joking. She wasn't.

For some reason I always think if I give these people a chance to expunge their bad news eventually we can evolve into a mutually shared conversation. Silly me. After two weeks of her rants and me brainstorming ideas for solutions, I came to my senses. I was free therapy for her. I was a depository for all her negativity as she sucked all the positive energy out of my soul. I became irritable then angry then hostile.

I tend to be a magnet for these people. At least a few times a year I get toxic people who work their way into my life demanding attention. The chemically-sensitive man-baby wanted me to devote all my energy to caring for him because, "That's what good friends (women) do." Another old friend reappeared and exclaimed, "I think you'd be a good support!" and then proceeded to take over my life with his non-existent health problems. The failed friendship who refused to give up her fragrances but wanted to discuss her and her brother's mental health issues five minutes into our first meeting.

Two of our local librarians are depressed. Both go on and on about their depression drama as if they are staring in their own soap opera series. If you stand there long enough they will repeat their history of it in full detail. I keep wanting to say, I'm just here to check out books! When I ask about movie suggestions, one of them pulls all the movies off the shelf about people who are depressed. Her whole life is wrapped up in depression. She looks at me dumbfounded not understanding why I'm not equally enchanted by the subject. When I suggested one of them give up caffeine and smoking she responded with, "Oh no. My therapist said I need these things for comfort." I wanted to scream, Cha-ching! I'm sure your therapist doesn't want to lose her cash cow!" Can you imagine a health care professional prescribing addictions for self-medication? No, I'm not surprised, but I am shocked this woman thinks it's appropriate to regale library patrons with her health problems. 

Is my  super-empathy so obvious and glaring these people target me? Do I ask too many questions signaling I can care unconditionally? Maybe. I like asking after people and I'm honestly interested in hearing how they are. It's common human decency to be empathetic to others, but it's just kindness and etiquette not a request for a lengthy sermon on their misery nor have it continued day after day. I believe it's bad manners to attack people with your problems every time you encounter them as if everything about being alive is wrong. So selfish. I can tolerate toxic suck for a short time then their negativity starts to affect my own disposition. I like to help people, but once they show they aren't interested in my help or advice and just want to use me for a negativity depository, I'm finished. 

Depression is a common symptom of chemical sensitivity and Hashimoto's, but it's only a symptom. Calling it a disease as if it just mysteriously appears with no cure and requires no personal culpability is idiotic. The usual cause is substance abuse, some kind of chemical impacting the brain balance whether that chemical be alcohol, drugs, nicotine, perfume, or foods acting like chemicals, for instance, caffeine. Caffeine is the most obvious suspect because it is so widely accepted in our society as a mandatory fifth food group. Most people plan their daily life around their caffeine addiction. It's a drug that is not only socially acceptable but socially required. Few would admit caffeine is poison and I believe caffeine poisoning is the main contributor to our epidemic of mental illness because its negative effects are so misunderstood.

However, depression has its own side effects. It makes people incredibly selfish and single-mindedly self-centered as they demand undivided attention and unconditional support from everyone around them. They complain incessantly and blame everyone else but themselves for their problems...it's their mother's fault, it's their husband's fault, it's their employer's fault, it's their kids' fault. Wasting time organizing all the people at fault doesn't contribute to healing. It's not a solution. It's only justification for more self-pity and continued inaction. Then depressed people self-medicate with more chemicals and become even more intolerably self-centered and selfish and the cycle continues. It's so typical of them to wallow in self-pity as if their suffering is a badge of honor. It's self-soothing, like thumb sucking or back patting.

One of the questions my ex-friend posed was, "Did I choose depression?" My answer is YES. Substance abuse is a choice. Is it easy to overcome? No, but it's still a choice. I know addictions are difficult. Years ago I gave up caffeine and all my depression went away. I think it would be harder if I ignorantly hadn't given up the caffeine and instead added alcohol, cigarettes, and recreational drugs to the mix, but was still my choice. Fifteen years ago my ex-friend rejected my help. Fast forward, I suggested again she give up caffeine. She had all kinds of excuses why this wasn't possible. She'd rather be dead than decaffeinated.

I recently read an article on a woman who died from a heroin addiction. The article kept calling her addiction a disease and the comments went crazy with most stating addiction isn't a disease, it's a choice. I think once the choice is made and the addicted person refuses to seek solutions it becomes more like a disease, but using the word "disease" is to avoid culpability as if this woman's death was not her fault. Addicts haven't been infected by a germ or virus. They aren't even being poisoned by the perfumes or bad habits of others. Their choices are their own.

I don't have much sympathy or tolerance for depression. If I can eradicate it from my life, anyone can. I'm not interested in the negativity that comes from the toxic sucking behavior of others who want to drag another person down into the gutter for company. Still, I think it's human nature. Misery loves company. We share misery so when someone brings me down, my next step in healing is to share it in order to get it out of me so it doesn't fester. But I'll only do it once and promise I won't let it go on and on for weeks!

Friend for a Day

I'm sticking to my New Year's Resolution of being less reclusive and I'm making a point to connect with people whenever possible. It's not going so well.

I met a woman at an art gallery about a month ago. I was there looking and she had sculptural pieces on display. They were interesting - self-portrait masks made into bizarre mythological creatures using all kinds of weird found objects. We got to talking and she mentioned she used to paint, but she became chemically sensitive and was forced to give it up!

WHOA! Friend alert!

She gave me her card which I promptly lost in the black hole that is my purse. A few weeks later I was out in the garage cleaning up and came across a bouquet of fake silk flowers. Wondering if I could use them for art I remembered the interesting artist with the strange mythological women sculptures, some of them decorated in wax-dipped silk flower petals. I went looking for her business card.

I hesitated for a day or two. Do I really want to subject myself to frustration and rejection if she's not really chemically sensitive? Even those who claim to be chemically sensitive are rarely as severe as I am. Instead of their lungs collapsing they might experience some dizziness. Instead of a migraine, they might have sinus congestion. Instead of brain fog and memory loss, they might feel under the weather. Still, I have a New Year's Resolution to fulfill. Why not take a chance? I might make a new artistic friend.

So I emailed her and suggested we meet for tea or something, talk some art, share our chemical sensitivity experiences. She immediately invited me over to see her house and garden. I discovered right away she has no boundaries.

It was then I realized I already knew OF her. I went to the estate sale of the house she bought. I was told an artist was buying the house and had planned to use the large front room as a gallery.  I was told not more than a month later she had married my ex-mechanic, the guy who asked me out on a date. My instincts told me to steer clear of him, but I couldn't for the life of me understand the reason for my aversion. The person who told me about this match made in heaven knew I turned him down for a date. She snidely commented, "You shouldn't be so picky. See, there is someone for everyone. Maybe someday if you stop being so picky you'll meet someone." She tilted her head in sympathy. I resented her condescending tone. For years I have watched from a distance as the artist's yard transformed into the most spectacular garden with all kinds of crazy gates and sculptural designs, but I kept my distance knowing she was the wife of the undesirable.

I worried about going to the artist lady's house. Does she burn candles? Incense? Does she use scented products? Air fresheners? It's always such a risk and the stress of this anticipated physical and psychological encounter made me think twice, three times and four times before I resolved to follow through on my New Year's Resolution of making new connections and forming friendships. I worried if she was still married to the undesirable and if he would be there, but I kind of doubted it. I figured if she had any brain function whatsoever, she's probably divorced by now. Maybe.

She was friendly, inviting, welcoming, cheerful, talkative, and excessively disclosive. No boundaries. She uncontrollably vomited all her secrets as if she hadn't had human contact for months and needed desperately to confess her sins. All of them. She laughed and moaned about how she married the husband, he drove her insane for two years, she divorced him, and he went on to find another single, older woman living in an old house that needed remodeling only two blocks away. I thought, OH MY GOD! I am so thankful for my spidey senses and my sociopathic radar! I felt rather vindicated.

We shared, laughed, exclaimed. She showed me her house, art, and magnificent garden. I admired her creativity and freespiritness.

Then she did the unthinkable...faster than lightning she grabbed a giant-sized container of Nivea moisturizing lotion, extracted a large scoop, and frosted her hands, arms, face and neck with it. As a young woman I used Nivea religiously. The chemicals in it are so toxic they are addicting. Stink wafted through the room.

"I'm sorry. I can't be around Nivea." I backed away holding my hand over nose and mouth.

Although I could tell through our conversations she didn't quite understand what chemical sensitivity could mean, she graciously apologized. I always feel badly being in someone's private space and expecting them to change their habits for me, but it was either say something or run out of there fast. She washed it off...with bright green scented dishwashing liquid! Clearly clueless. I found out she does have a sensitivity to paint and maybe some hair dye, but that's it.

Although I enjoyed our visit, by the time I left I felt pretty violated. Not just poisoned thoughtlessly with toxic French whore stink, but she kept asking me private questions, pushing when I didn't want to answer, suggested we should form a partnership, and invited herself over to my house...right now. No boundaries. We were best friends immediately. Is it any wonder she married the sociopathic loser with little consideration? I didn't have time nor desire to continue our toxic visit so I suggested I would contact her the next day.

I thought about this all night. I have learned through many years of experience, people who use scented products will NEVER be fragrance-free. They have no idea what that means and no cognitive function to know how to do it. I know this. I emailed her this explaining my situation, and asking her what she thought. Was she capable of being fragrance-free??? Willing to make the effort??? Even if she claims she is, I doubt it.

When confronted, often unenlightened people will  tell you they will eliminate all scented products from their life, or try to be fragrance-free, or agree about the health risks. I think it's some kind of courtesy reflex. Yes, I value our acquaintance and yes, I will try. It never works out that way. They just don't get it or don't want to get it because it's so inconvenient.

Surprisingly she totally agreed with me that people who wear scents won't ever change. She had no desire to stop wearing scented products. I find it really odd someone who suffers from depression, skin rashes, allergies of all kinds, and claims to be chemically sensitive to certain products would purposely wear and breathe chemicals.

Oh well.

We exchanged a few more emails with her telling me she can't give up her scented products because it would be too expensive to go organic and me telling her I haven't used or purchased any Nivea or other moisturizer (hair shampoo, conditioner, spray, make-up, toothpaste, etc.) for over 15 years which saves way more than the stinky stuff she is using. I shared my toxicity and detoxing theories as well as how chemicals damage our health (rashes, depression....). She was intrigued and sounded amazed, but then it ended there. Clearly she's addicted. Only addicts can't see the logic.

What is most disappointing is this woman feels her scented products are more important than friendship. During our visit she lamented how she has no genuine friends. No one for support and no one on whom she can rely. I shared with her my hospital experience where I realized I, too, had no one. If her scented products are more important than a friendship, why would she ever expect people to be loyal and dedicated? Without the stink, I think she would have been a great friend, maybe. But we'll never find out. We both missed an opportunity for friendship and support because of her French whore ignorance and pigheadedness.

I'm keeping my New Year's Resolution. Everyone expects resolutions to be broken as some point, so I wouldn't feel too badly if I gave up. It feels like a dangerous waste of time to try to connect with people, but I trudge onward and keep the faith.

For now.