Walls of Words

Entertainment is limited for people who are chemically sensitive. We must isolate from people, either unenlightened individuals who have no clue how to be fragrance free or masses of humanity who group for social events such as restaurant dining, concerts, theater, movies, sports, family functions, and the like. We find ourselves exiled and isolated from others. 

Although I've gotten used to being alone and have found ways to entertain myself in my isolation, I often tell people I am "socially starved." The unenlightened don't normally understand this concept. They have zero empathy because for the most part it is unfathomable to them. The pandemic shed some light on the lifestyle of many chemically sensitive when so many people were forced in lockdown to stay at home, stay away from people to stay safe, and find ways to self-entertain. The unenlightened complained of gaining too much weight. Yep, it comes with isolated self-entertainment. We eat to self-medicate. 

I've discussed forms of isolated entertainment in other posts: creative projects, gardening, walking, television and movies, music. These are great to keep one's mind occupied, but "social starvation", a total lack of human contact and communication, is a whole other form of torture. I crave communication. I am not necessary lonely or in need of company...I just want to communicate. This blog is a great outlet. Email is a god-sent. How did we ever survive without computers? I can't imagine being chemically sensitive at a time when there were no computers or online connection. Thankfully the world wide web keeps us connected to the world, perhaps indirectly, but it's still a connection.

I have been bestowed with the gift of gab. I can talk or write non-stop if given the chance. As an extreme introvert, I never used to be like this, but I have evolved through isolation to seek out strategies of connection and communication. 

My last real "date" with a man was not supposed to be a date. Under normal dating circumstances, I would have conversed like a normal person, discussed topics, answered and asked questions. Because I viewed it as a non-date, I didn't care about conversation etiquette and proceeded to talk non-stop about anything. It was like uncontrollable vomit, purging all the words I'd kept inside for too long. He was fragrance-free and kind of quiet so I was having a good time. At the end of our "non-date" he said, "You sure are a great communicator!" I think a normal first date would not have been so verbose in an attempt to look rationale. He actually wanted to go out again, but since it was a non-date, I declined. This also made me realize my past dating behaviors might have been self-sabotaging. I should have just let loose and talked non-stop. I might have been considered more interesting!

My emailing addiction can become out of control. Every now and then I meet someone new or reconnect with someone old and we begin to correspond. For reconnections, the reminiscing is grand and the updates and sharing what we've done with our lives is phenomenal. It can go on for quite a while, but we eventually run out of things to say, the emails slow down and then stops except for an update every few months. That is normal and expected. I know I can write them under the table. I've had people finally tell me, "OK! Too much! I can't keep up!" One friend told me I was exhausting her. At first I thought, It's email! Just don't read! It's not like a phone that is ringing and demanding attention." I think, however, that etiquette demands emails to be read and answered and this overwhelmed them.

So I started monitoring my emails, managing their length and frequency. My rule was I could only write as much and as long as the other person. I thought I was the queen of compromise, but nevertheless, I still had people scream, "TOO MUCH!" This was confusing. Too much? You are writing just as much if not more than I am!? Case in point, on the day one friend told me it was too much she sent me four emails. Then a week later sent me two letters! Last week she spent one day emailing me eleven times!!!!!!???? Confusion is an understatement. I think it's more about CONTROL. Regardless of mental state or reasoning, writing was still taking up too much time, time the unenlightened don't have because as people who are not chemically sensitive, the world called to them. They had things to do, places to go, and sane people to see, people who weren't locked in their houses at the computer writing 24/7. They don't understand the isolation of chemical sensitivity nor the lack of entertainment or communication options. I tried to apologize and explain how socially starved I am. They don't care.

I've always searched for MCSers who want to correspond. Some do, but most are very negative and it's very draining. I do understand. It's difficult being chemically sensitive, sick, resentful and angry at the world for this forced reclusion. I try to control my posts on this blog so I don't get too negative, but it oozes through like a festering wound especially during times of uncontrollable frustration. I just want to vent to get it all out.

I recently met another MCSer who was uncommonly cheerful. We started responding to each other's posts on a MCS site. She was hilarious. Her writing style is joyful and upbeat. I figured maybe she was on some good drugs. She told me we were "twinsies". HA! She constantly made me laugh. We began messaging each other outside the group and she warned me, "I can write WALLS OF WORDS!" LOL! Oh, my god, I think I found my people!

That joy lasted about a day before she began ranting non-stop about how horrible her life is, how horrible her childhood was, how horrible her family is, how horrible her ex-boyfriend from forty years ago was and my super empath sucked all that toxicity in and I became irritable and stressed out. She explained she doesn't want to converse because she's so passive it makes her feel judged. She just wants to talk about herself. I wanted to scream "DO A BLOG!" LOL. I just can't do MCS people. I'm sure they can't do me either.

The Dying Art of Conversation, or My Abnormally Un-Social Life

I've been feeling a little crazy lately. Slightly bored, more depressed than I care to admit. Thankfully, when I stopped taking those thyroid drugs I started feeling much better, but a feeling of mundane-ness has crept into my existence. I'm really bored with life. With everything. Life feels meaningless.

I attempted to find a job of sorts. A friend of mine suggested I apply to be the part-time cook/grocery shopping assistant to a chemically sensitive man also suffering from a list of other ailments that have forced him to be home-bound and gluten-free. My friend erroneously led me to believe (OK, let's be truthful...she LIED!) he was having a hard time finding an assistant because they were all incapable of being fragrance free.

What seemed to be the perfect position and the perfect solution to my mundane-ness ended up being the interview from hell. Wow! I thought I was socially inept! This guy took it to a whole new level screaming at me every time I answered a question, responding with snarky comments every time I asked one, and micromanaging the way I spoke to him, the way I walked, how I moved, and what I touched. It was scary and I questioned if his anti-social behavior was the consequence of too much isolation. Or self-indulging entitlement? Have too many people been paid to cater to his every whim because of his illness? Will my reclusion contribute to this kind of personality disorder? Am I already as bad as he is? God, I hope not! Needless to say, I'm not that desperate for something to do and I do have enough self-respect not to want to be abused even for pay. However, turning down the job left me wallowing in disappointment. This did not help my disposition.


Then out of the blue a former acquaintance emailed me. She was the librarian at my college years ago, always kind, helpful and friendly, and she was the first person to ever buy my art. She still has a painting and a drawing of mine hanging on her wall and this made her wonder what had become of me. How joyous to re-connect with someone from the past!

We exchanged a couple emails before I panicked. I tend to write a lot. I can't be around possibly stinky people so writing from a distance is my social life. I have found some people don't like so much writing and they definitely don't like the unspoken requirement of reading it. I'm from the old-school letter writing tradition where one was taught to converse. Conversing is sharing in conversation: I talk about something; they respond with similar experiences or anecdotes. They share; I respond. I ask a question; they answer the question. They ask a question; I answer the question. This adds to the length of any writing endeavor.

Conversing, as well as letter-writing, is a lost art.  I've had several experiences with email exchanges where emailers write what seems to be some kind of personal form letter. Like a photocopied holiday letter to be sent to a couple hundred people. The email could have been written to anyone, I just happen to be the recipient. Or one of the recipients. In turn, as the recipient, I am expected to either not respond, or like the emailer, talk only about myself. Asking questions requires a person's commitment to the conversation. It's too much work and if I ask a question, it will go unanswered or I'll be told they don't have time to write just now. It's so fucking impersonal, but this is modern communication. Even bloggers don't converse - they talk about themselves to themselves and they are advised to keep their paragraphs very short so readers won't lose interest. We've become a society of self-centered, impatient people with short-attention spans. If you can't make your point in 140 Twitter-ish characters, don't bother trying to make it at all! This is fine unless one lives alone, isolated out in the middle of no where with little social interaction. I want to converse in writing with thoughtful, intelligent people who have something to say. I use email like most people use their telephones. I realize this is not normal, but welcome to my abnormally unsocial life.

Anyway, so when faced with a potentially new friend, I have to control my impulse to write novel-length emails. I don't do this well. And I apologize profusely for my verbosity, which I do very well. I'm sure this makes them question what is wrong with me. After a while my writing slows down, emails get relatively shorter, and may even cease for long periods of time, but until the newness wears off I pray the recipient doesn't freak out too much. 

It was such a fun experience re-connecting with this woman I thought maybe I need to be less isolated and make myself more available to other past associates? I've had a Facebook account for a couple years, but it's been functioning in the highly private "only me" mode. For a while I was using it for news feeds from my favorite websites, but I have been ignoring it for the last couple years as my blog functions in the same way.

I logged into Facebook to have a look and my brother's girlfriend had friended me. My brother recently told me his girlfriend complained and wondered why I hated her. I was baffled and since my brother thinks computers are the Devil and knows nothing about them, he thought I blocked her emails or something. Now I know she somehow circumvented all my privacy options and found me on Facebook. She has been waiting for months (?) for me to accept her friend request. No wonder she's pissed.

Hmmm...I admit I am social-media resistant especially to Facebook. In my opinion it uses the concept of a computer virus to spread disingenuous friendship to desperate people with low self-esteem. Would it provide any meaningful connections? If I go public maybe old friends can find me and want to converse? What happen to the concept of pen pals anyway? I want a pen pal!

I updated my Facebook information and plumped it up with favorite movies, books, TV shows, and general likes. It was very self-centered and it reminded me of when we, as identity-deprived teenagers, used to invent and fill out those favorite things questionnaires. I added some photos of art to splash in some color and personalize it. Although I didn't add any private photos of people, even adding art felt like a violation of privacy. My eagerness to connect inspired me to be brave and venture forth.

I started with one friend. Just one (1), but one I knew I liked with whom I shared similar interests. The program kept reminding me I had ONE friend like a huge neon sign. Taunting me. This did not make me feel loved nor connected. In fact it made me feel like worthless crap. There is something very hypnotic about the numbers.

Suddenly I wanted MORE friends, regardless of whether they were real friends or not, so I started adding distant relatives and acquaintances, including my brother's girlfriend.  Facebook is designed to feed one's self-esteem. We want to feel loved, liked, and connected, even if it's just a number.

Before I knew it I had my own very small stable of trophy friends who were posting positive affirmations, computer game scores, computer game invites, photos of desserts, and videos of babies and animals doing cute things. It reminded me of when email first became popular and everyone was forwarding mindless affirmation chain letters and we'd all get the same illustrated joke twenty times a day. Even then I didn't want to play. Obviously someone invented a way to harness all that brainless forwarding only now it's called sharing. Like kindergarten.

Everything has a like button. I liked the posts, photos, and comments of others, and in response, they liked mine. We liked each other. It should have done wonders for my self-esteem, but it felt like back in grade school when it was very important for classmates to like you. I felt rebellious and angry. If no one liked my post was it bad? Fuck you, people, it was certainly likeable! Why did they like that photo but not like that photo? Fuck you, people, that photo is just as good! Am I that insecure that I need this constant validation?  It felt so wrong. So judgmental yet impersonal. All they were doing was clicking on an icon. I know everyone meant well and was doing exactly what was expected to make me feel welcome and liked. This is what one does with Facebook, yet I felt so violated and manipulated. It was stressful.

I kept questioning if I was feeling this way because I'm so isolated. Am I just reclusive and anti-social? Am I just not good at playing this social game? Probably all of the above. Posts limited to mere phrases offered very little in the way of conversing opportunities. This was disappointing. I'm not interested in superficial connections. Heck, I feel more connected to people when I make anonymous comments on an article. Even when I get a thumbs-down for my opinions! I backed away from Facebook by reinstating more privacy options. I stopped friending people and unfollowed many.

I was told by my Facebook mentors to concentrate on the benefits, ignore the irritating, and to remember why I activated the account in the first place: to be more accessible to old friends. In addition I should lower my expectations to non-conversational, short-attention-spanned, self-centered, old friends. This, of course, makes me question the point, and while I'm questioning the point, Facebook is still bullying me with People You May Know because they believe it IS really about the numbers.

Just when I felt the whole horrible experience had been a waste of time one of my ex-best friends from junior high friended me! This was someone I haven't had any contact with for nearly a lifetime so you can imagine my shock and delight. She claimed she had been searching for me for years although I find it hard to believe since I do have a web presence. I think she had been limiting her search to just Facebook, and suddenly, there I was! I was so excited to be found as if I never existed before! (Shit. No...Facebook does NOT define me!) I sent her a chat message and she sent a short chat reply saying she'd email. That was it. No conversation. No catching up. I anxiously waited for connection to happen. I guess I'm just a trophy friend, just another number. It's been over two weeks and we've not connected at all. I'm sure she's very busy keeping tabs on her 453 friends who make her feel very liked.  She doesn't have time. Very disappointing.

I'm not finding Facebook meaningful, but I have hope maybe there is someone out there who wants to converse and they will find me. Until then, I have my blog, a place I can talk to myself and write as much as I want.

I love my blog.

Note: Thank you to those who do allow me to email you constantly. You have no idea how much it means to me.

 

Entertainment, Part Ten: My Computer, My Playground

How did I ever live without a computer?

Living just beyond civilization without radio or television or even a telephone, my computer is my only contact with the real world. It's how I communicate with people, pay bills, balance my checkbook, keep up on news, get weather updates and all manner of general day-to-day life management and business. It also keeps me from going insane with isolation and boredom. Here are some of the ways I entertain myself using my computer:

Email  Who needs a phone? No one writes letters anymore. This is my primary mode of correspondence with friends, relatives, business associates and even complete strangers. The greatest thing about email for someone who is chemically sensitive is it's communication without human contact! I can't imagine having MCS twenty years ago without the technology that makes our lives easier. I would have found ways to survive, but not as efficiently as I am able with all this assistance at my fingertips (literally!).

Writing Remember typewriters? White out? Mimeograph copies? Carbon copies? Wow. Times have changed. I love to write. Journal entries, letters, short stories, magazine articles, websites, discussion groups, comment sections, online activism, and blogs. Attach the document to an email and who needs snail mail?

Reading  I read blogs, websites, short stories, magazine articles, comment sections, discussions on lists, recipes, and research information on various subjects. I could download a fictional ebook on my computer, but I still love holding a book in my hands and curling up in a comfy chair. Well, as long as it doesn't stink of print dye or someone else's perfume.

Library  I can do all my library business online, order through interlibrary loans, see what's available, put items on hold. Before I even check out the item, watching my hold numbers is fun for me. Strange, I know.

Art by Danny Roberts

Art  There are all kinds of art software for computers like Sketchpad, iPaint, Photoshop, etc. Lately I've been having a blast using my scanner to scan pictures and my digital camera to download photographs. Incredibly fun. There are many artist websites, videos, and galleries for viewing as well as museum and gallery sites. My latest favorite artist: http://dannyroberts.com/

http://dannyrobertsartstore.blogspot.com/

Games  I have to admit, I'm not a game player, but I know they are available to those who enjoy this type of entertainment. Also, virtual worlds and other fantasy games are in abundance.

Music Music may be downloaded for listening or purchase and your favorite CDs may be played right on your computer. Nearly any song you've ever heard is now available on YouTube often accompanied by photo montages or video clips created by music fans. Radio stations are even online.


Videos  YouTube is spectacular. Unfortunately, I can sit around all day watching footage of concerts, music videos, movie trailers, clips from movies, clips from television shows, animals doing cute things, animals doing not so cute things, people doing really stupid things, babies laughing, memorial montages, news briefs, comedy routines, people talking about anything or nothing, etc. You name it, there is a video out there for you to watch.



Movies  Hulu.com is the best website for free movies, old and new. I have also watched old movies through YouTube, one scene at a time. Many local libraries have movie downloads for patron home use and most computers now accept DVDs to be watched right on the computer screen. Every now and then I consider buying a big-screen TV so I can hook it up to my computer. Maybe someday. 

Warning:  I once had a friend tell me about a movie site you could download recently released movies for free. Yeah, it sounded fishy, but this was the same friend who told me about Hulu so I thought he knew what he was talking about. It was an illegal site, and I got my first virus. Do be careful and unless you know the site, don't be downloading anything.



Television  Hulu.com, again. Before Hulu came on the scene, I never watched TV. Now I'm a television junkie. My current favorite shows are: Smash and Once Upon a Time, although I'm growing fond of New Girl, Touch and Missing. And yes, on occasion I watch The Vampire Diaries. It's my guilty pleasure. Ian Somerhalder is dreamy. I am rather fond of checking out whole seasons of television shows from the library and watching them on the computer. No commercials! The only thing missing is awards shows like the American Music Awards, Academy Awards, Tony Awards or Grammy Awards are never online. Darn.



Stalking & Lurking  I love reading Facebook and Twitter posts.  There is something sleazy and stalker-ish about reading someone's inner thoughts and seeing their private photos without them knowing. Celebrity stalking is really fun and it keeps me updated on pop culture. I really hate it when people make their social networking accounts private.  Social media is like going to a party without the stink.

Although I am a huge fan of computer technology, I do worry about EMFs (electromagnetic fields) and radiation with all the electronic devices available these days. Those of us chemically sensitive are susceptible to becoming overloaded with EMF exposure creating many symptoms we already experience plus a few other health concerns: chronic fatigue, joint pain, nausea, brain function issues, heart problems and cancer. I can't imagine what I would do if ever I became sensitive to my computer!

As it is I have two computers and two screens on my desk in an office located away from my sleeping area. In hopes of alleviating some exposure and more importantly, because I'm a bit of a non-materialistic minimalist, I'm way behind with most technological advances (other than computers) and getting farther behind with every passing year, sorry to say. I don't use cell phones or smartphones, Kindles, microwave ovens, electric blankets, hair dryers, answering machines, or cordless appliances. I do have home wiring, an electric clock and a digital camera, but I'm not living under power lines and I avoid getting radiated at the doctor's and dentist's offices.

Does this help? I doubt it. With all the EMFs created by all the technological junkies, I don't think my minimalist approach matters. We are doomed!!  I think in time society will pay with technology-related health issues we have not yet imagined, and as the canaries, we will be the first in line.

What have I forgotten? How do you use your computer for entertainment?