The Oxymoron vs. The Patient Patient

I decided to check a local medical clinic to see if the doctor was taking new patients. It's the only one in my area I haven't heard bad things about and the only one who has never taken new patients. I'd really like to find a physician sort of close in case of serious illness or injury that would prevent me from traveling to a not-so-local doctor. Not that I have any doctor currently. Not that I really want any doctor now. I'd much rather never in my life see another provider of HEALTH CARE, a phrase which is an oxymoron.

The doctor is still not taking new patients, but they have adopted a new nurse practitioner who is. Hmm...OK, maybe I can establish care and just put them on hold unless something bad happens? And then pray nothing bad happens. They tell me I have to have an appointment every two years to maintain my patient status.

I have zero confidence in nurse practitioners. I had one tell me I was dying. I had another ignorantly blame a health issue on something minor only to end up in a hospital. Another who thought removing a body part to be the best remedy. I know for a fact they are incompetent and know nothing. I just want to establish care in case of an emergency. For lack of options, this is it and I'll take my chances only if I can't get somewhere else. I kept chanting, Don't expect competence or you'll be disappointed.

But the nurse practitioner (who will be referred to as the OXYMORON going forward) isn't qualified. (HA!) She's trying to become qualified and trying to get a contract with my insurance company. When will this happen? The office knows nothing. The receptionist tells me to check back in two weeks when she comes back from vacation. What? So the clinic closes down for the receptionist's vacation? I doubt it. Still, I ventured forth, kind and smiling with no intention of rocking the boat, and hoping to appear compliant, understanding, and patient. Or patient-like. Is that where the word comes from? Patients are called patients because they are forced to be patient when dealing with dipshit doctors who are incompetently practicing and pretending they know something? Hmmm....I've never made that connection before!

I contact them at two weeks exactly.  The OXYMORON is now taking patients and next week is available. OK! Don't forget to bring your co-pay. Ummm, no, I don't have a co-pay. Oh, yes, you do! Oh, no I don't. I'm failing at compliance already. I'm just not good with the medical establishment. Ever.

I go home and get on my insurance website. They don't have my new OXYMORON on their list. So how can she be one of their providers if she isn't on the list to select? I call the insurance company. After an hour of waiting I hang up. I wait a day later and try again and this time only wait for forty-five minutes. I try again. Yes, OXYMORON is on the list just not on the computer because the doctor's office has failed so miserably at managing their account. They sign me up with her as my primary care provider which means I get freebies. No co-pay. All this fighting with the front desk and arming myself with information because the front office doesn't know anything is a hassle. And I haven't even seen the OXYMORON yet! This is disturbing. I know it's a clue to run, but I don't. Be patient patient!

The OXYMORON's nurse smells like a French whore. Strike one.

The OXYMORON doesn't do compounding prescriptions. She doesn't know how. Strike two.

The OXYMORON doesn't seem to know what pericardial effusion is and tells me if I have it I should go to the hospital immediately.  Strike three. (I confess here I did not tell her it's a common Hashimoto's symptom. I was trying to be compliant and avoid letting her know her patient patient probably knows more than she does.)

The OXYMORON blames the weather for one of my health issues. What a moron. (At strike three anyone with common sense might have walked out but I am determined to be a patient patient.)

The OXYMORON blames another symptom on a health condition, but can't explain the logistics since I don't have any other symptoms.

The OXYMORON fails miserably at understanding another health issue and fails at giving basic advice. Online information is more helpful.

The OXYMORON doesn't even listen to my heart and after I leave she has to come out to get me and finish the basic procedure.

The OXYMORON doesn't even suggest labs. Really? I marked right on the intake form "underactive thyroid". So odd.

The OXYMORON hugs me. I draw the line there.

I followed this appointment up with a visit to the pharmacist. The pharmacist knows and gives more information than the OXYMORON.

I hope I never have to see the OXYMORON again. Ever.

A recent article stated these incompetent, waste of time and money OXYMORONS can make up to $100,000 a year and their job requires no previous experience! What an atrocity our health-uncare system is!!

The Reintroduction

Someone should preface the AIP with DIET PREREQUISITES: PATIENCE. Maybe this is the same as willpower?

It is recommended to maintain this diet for 6-8 weeks although I know some doctors prescribe it for only three weeks. Maybe it depends on your level of gastrointestinal issues? Prior to the diet, I really didn't have gastrointestinal issues, but I did and do have a bizarre neuro-inflammatory problem. Well, that's my guess. I know it originated in the back of my head at the base just above my spine so I assume it's neurological. I've been reading a lot about the brain-gut connection and I had hoped this diet would relieve the constant burning sensation that travels throughout my body.

After five weeks on the AIP diet I started testing foods that were restricted. I got impatient. Not being able to find the livers and bones was discouraging. Food reintroduction is a slow process so I decided to start early out of frustration. It's hard to DO a diet if you can't get the right ingredients and I was ready to be done with it all. The reintroduction instructions are to test one food at a time and wait from three to seven days before trying another. I admit, again, I'm just not that patient and most of the foods caused a reaction immediately so I'm not sure why I needed to wait for seven days. I waited three days on most foods or after I felt better.

The instructions also say to eat only one tablespoon of the food, wait fifteen minutes, and eat another tablespoon, wait fifteen minutes and then eat it as you would for a normal helping. I know this is to make sure you don't have a serious reaction, but again, I'm not that patient! I was this meticulous with the first few foods, but then I got tired of it and just ate. It's not like I was testing chocolate or tomatoes or other known foods of misery.

I had a variety of reactions to the food reintroductions. The problem with being chemically sensitive is it's hard to determine if a reaction is caused by the food or something else. Also, at the beginning of the diet I had more problems with digestion than before the diet so it's really hard to say if the individual foods caused a reaction or if it was the diet in general. I was also under the assumption the diet would heal my leaky gut, making all foods tolerable, but I recognize I spent the first half of the diet sans organs and bones so I failed at following the diet exactly as instructed. I've never been good at instructions. It's like I'm ADHD when it comes to following directions. Or impatient.

Here are the foods I stopped eating then reintroduced:

Almonds seemed fine during the first test. They felt good going down. I waited and tried again a week later and I felt a bit queasy, but it could have been because I was really hungry and my digestive tract wasn't used to such a dense food. It didn't last long. Third test I had no problem.

Cashews seemed fine at first followed an hour later by gas and diarrhea.

Pecans are not my friends. Immediate stomach pain and then within the hour neck pain. It didn't last long. This is surprising. I've been eating a lot of pecans in the last few years.

Eggs are not only NOT my friends, but my enemies. Immediate back itch followed by neck and spine pain for two days straight. A week later I tested only egg yolks and didn't seem to have a problem. I've eaten way too many eggs in my lifetime, more than anyone should, so it's time to give them up. However, I now know egg yolks can still be used for recipes if needed. But what will I ever make that needs eggs? Baking is out as it always involves foods that are problematic.

Coconut, coconut milk, coconut flour and coconut oil are not only on all diets but highly recommended. Since my Christmas holiday recipe bonanza, these coconut products have caused me nothing but grief. During this diet I stopped using them. Later I tried some coconut oil and immediately my stomach started hurting. I also tried some coconut milk and immediately felt queasy. I might have over did it during Christmas and my body is retaliating. Coconut products are out.

Canola oil mayonnaise was fine, which I thought strange since it's made with eggs. Mayonnaise, however, is a food one wouldn't eat more than a tablespoon at a time so I don't know if the test is truly accurate since I might not be eating enough of it to incite a reaction. I have no desire to shovel an inhuman amount of mayo down my throat for the sake of testing. I didn't really miss it during the diet so I think for an occasional recipe it's fine, but I won't be eating much of it in the future. The Paleo diet restricts processed foods so it's time to get rid of this processed food.

Plain, organic yogurt made my stomach hurt immediately. Then my back hurt. Then my head hurt. Then diarrhea continuing the next day ALL day. I didn't even eat very much. In the last year I haven't eaten any yogurt so it won't be missed.

Unsweetened carob chips...I nearly forgot how much I love carob! Of course the chips are not just carob but made with soy lecithin, whey and palm kernel oil. These are bad, bad, and bad ingredients not allowed on the Paleo-Hashimoto's diet. It's hard to say exactly which ingredient caused the gas that followed. In the past I've never had a problem with carob chips, but I know carob is naturally constipating. In fact, during the yogurt-induced day of diarrhea, I was desperately desiring carob! But if gas is just bacteria working to digest food is that bad? Or is it good I have bacteria doing their jobs causing all that gas??

I find this really interesting since I normally eat carob chips with nuts, like a healthy Hershey's Bar, but all this time carob chips are constipating and nuts give me diarrhea...so it all evened out! Who would have known?

Rice. Oddly enough while on this diet I didn't have any rice for six weeks. I didn't even miss it! Amazing. I remember when I would crave it so badly I'd start pacing. I didn't test it. I've never really liked rice and only used it as a filler food. It is restricted on the Hashimoto's diet as it's a cross-reactor to gluten. White rice is a food that is forbidden on most diets due to its lack of nutrients. I can do without. If anything this diet has weaned me off of some not-so-good foods.

Sweet red bell peppers are fabulous. I didn't realize how much I had missed them. They sure add an enormous amount of flavor to a dish. I had no problem with them before and didn't on reintroduction.

Hot peppers. I had absolutely no problem with habaneros. Hooray! Ditto jalapenos. Hooray!

Butter is another food one wouldn't eat much of at a serving and not a food I have reason to eat often especially if I don't plan to be eating eggs in the future. I didn't have a problem with it before nor after the diet.

Potatoes tasted great! An hour after I ate them I feel really energetic probably from all those extra carbohydrates. A few hours later my legs hurt so badly I could hardly walk. Pain is what also happens with tomatoes another problematic nightshade. Hmmm.... However, it was near bedtime so I wasn't sure if it was the potatoes or just over working those muscles while feeling energetic. I get this incredible urge to dance when feeling energetic and since I'm not used to so much movement it's difficult to determine the origins of random pain. I waited a week and tried potatoes again. Didn't get the energy boost nor the dancing frenzy this time so all that could have been a reaction to something else. Everything was fine for the second testing. Needed a tie-breaker, the third test also no problem.

The very last test wasn't a test, it was a cheat. Cranberry-Almond Gluten-Free Cookie with all kinds of gluten-free garbage in it...no problem whatsoever. Hallelujah!

That's it! So in conclusion: pecans, cashews, eggs, coconut products, and yogurt are out. Butter, mayo and potatoes seem fine although are forbidden on the Hashimoto's diet so I'll continue to avoid those. All peppers are wonderful, almonds are in, Cranberry-Almond Gluten-Free Cookies are my reward, and carob chips in small quantities if I'm feeling particularly masochistic and just don't give a shit. (Or don't want to give a shit....)

I'm still drinking bone broth daily and trying to work up the courage to eat more liver. I haven't given up if on this diet and I haven't really discontinued it aside from the testing. I wonder if I stick with it long enough if my gut would totally heal and all foods would be tolerated? Or is that just wishful thinking and this AIP stuff is just bogus?

A friend of mine told me one of the reasons bones are hard to find is our local football team is drinking bone broth. It's bad enough football players get paid way more than any human should, but because they are treated like royalty in the USA, they are allowed to hoard the bones leaving us peasants nothing. Damn Hoarders.