The High-Maintenance Chemically Sensitive Control Freak

The thought of dating makes me sick to my stomach. Why would I want the stress and responsibility of training someone to know how to be around me? Controlling every step of the date is not normally attractive to anyone let alone a potential love interest. So why did I agree to go out with this man?

He was the brother of a friend and I had met him twice in the past. I'd even been to his house and sniffed around. How embarrassing is that? He's really clean and non-toxic, friendly and conversational. I had vague memories of how my friend had described him so I remembered him as being interesting. When he emailed to find out if I wanted to go to lunch sometime, I hesitated for a minute, then remembered the last time I saw him when I thought to myself, He's a nice guy. I bet he'd be good company. And then the self-harassment kicked in, Don't forget your New Year's resolution to find new friends! That resolution has created a whole lot of misery so far and is going to be the death of me.

I gave it a second thought. And then another second thought, and then wrote my reply opting for transparency and a whole lot of honesty knowing it might scare him away. I told him I don't do well with dating, but I'd be interested in a friendship. I'm chemically sensitive so public places are difficult which makes the lunch idea a challenge. I suggested alternative activities - the beach, the park, the docks, a cafe I know is nontoxic - trying to convince him of something easy, short, and safe so as not to embarrass myself with, oh, being carried out on a hospital gurney. I explained lunch might be an option if it's a small, informal restaurant with a take-out option, gluten-free meals, and unpopulated: way before or way after the lunch rush hour. I ignored the fact I can't eat non-organic food. I figured for one meal it couldn't hurt too much.

Good god. How many rules can a man actually fit in his brain? I thought for sure he'd respond immediately and say, Oops! Never mind. I think I emailed the wrong person. What was I thinking? I don't know you and I'm convinced I don't want to.

But he didn't. Instead he said, "SURE! Sounds like a date." I got the impression he only read half of my email.

Although I offered some restaurants that I knew from personal experience, he offered other names. I looked them up online to see if they had gluten-free options and stressed again, before the lunch rush hour or after not right at lunch when everyone is competing for air space. He made a reservation at the biggest, fanciest sit-down restaurant in town right at the lunch rush hour. He's not listening. He doesn't get it. The stress and thought of having to educate someone and hope for some sliver of enlightenment already exhausts me.

I panicked until the next day. Suppose I have an anaphylactic reaction? Suppose I get so sick I can't function for a week? Do I really want to embarrass myself on a first date with someone I hardly know? Maybe I can just wait outside and he can go in and get the food? Maybe I should cancel and stop being such an idiot because most people don't want this kind of crazed drama in their lives. Instead I emailed and asked if we could just go for a short, simple walk on the beach and not do lunch.

"Sure!" He's very compliant which is a good thing.

"And I'll meet you in the parking lot on the entrance to town and I will drive."

Hmmm...what is it about men and the need to drive? I panicked again. Suppose his car is new and stinks of offgassed formaldehyde? Supposed he's a serial killer? Suppose he has air fresheners in his car? As a rule I don't ride in strange cars. Granted I live an hour away from him so I couldn't expect him to pick me up so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed he was just wanting to be nice and treat me like a date. A date was not what I agreed to.

I email him and ask about air fresheners.

"Oh, no, never, I'm very organic myself." OK.

I wasn't comfortable with the set up but I got really tired of being so damn controlling. I also know I tend to be a super-empath and that makes me very compliant. I will ignore if I'm having a reaction in order to not embarrass myself or my companion. I will pretend everything will be fine if confronted with a clear risk. I don't want to be a problem. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I want to be a "normal".

I show up at the appointed parking lot and jump into his car. It's fine. No stink. He tells me the beach is rather far. What? The beach is ten minutes west. Oh, he wants to go to a beach fifty miles away. Shit. I comply because I don't want to be the crazed control freak. In hindsight, I should have taken more control over exactly where we would go but I just thought we'd go to the local beach.

We get to the parking lot of the beach and it's packed with people. He tells me we will be hiking. HIKING? What the fuck? I didn't bring hiking boots! I didn't even bring hiking shoes! He said we'll be fine. I'm learning he can't be trusted, but I comply. I don't want to seem controlling or paranoid.

As we are putting on coats and preparing for a HIKE, he comes up beside me and asks if he can use "this" and shoves a tube of sunscreen in my face. Shit.

"NO. Absolutely not." I picture his skin bubbling up in blisters and I resist giving him a lecture on how chemicals, including sunscreens, cause sunburns, not sunshine. At least he asked first! What would I have done if he just put it on and then asked?

The trail is beautiful, however, it's packed with smelly people as is the beach. My throat starts getting dry and scratchy. I start losing my voice. The fresh air helps and it's beautiful. Sunshine on a winter day. So unusual.

We get back to his truck and he asks if I'm hungry. I am. It's two o'clock and past the lunch hour. He suggests one of the restaurants on his list and claims it's often empty at this time.

It's not. There are lots of people. We find a table up in the mezzanine far from everyone. I wonder if the stink will float up and this is not a good idea, but I just don't want to seem like a crazed, paranoid control freak. The waiters are not obviously scented and I don't smell anything but food.

It takes about twenty minutes before I start getting quiet. Prior to this I was babbling non-stop as I tend to do after days without human contact. I'm clearing my throat more than is natural, but I stare across the room chanting, You are fine. Just remain calm.

The waiter approaches and tells us the restaurant is packed and asks if he can bring a family of six to sit right next to us. Ever the compliant one I smile, nod and agree. My date looks at me a little concerned, but I'm smiling so it must be fine!

I couldn't smell anything on this family, but my head starts spinning and the throat clearing intensifies. My lung starts hurting and my spine burns. I stare off into space for another five minutes. He's looking uncomfortable. I've become almost catatonic and it's our first date. He ran out of things to say long ago! (Later he apologized for being quiet and told me I am a good conversationalist. HA!)

"OK," I say, "I have to leave."

"Where is it coming from?"

"I have no idea."

How the HELL would I know? I don't even smell anything toxic! I start feeling uncontrollable irritable, but I remained calm and collected. Just get me outta here. I head outside and breathe fresh air. My lungs start feeling better. He gets the food to-go and we head to the park. Good food! God, I miss restaurant food. My head and neck are killing me.

For the next twenty four hours my head, neck and spine were in pain. I was irritable and impatient. These relatively minor symptoms are from the chemicals in the air: perfumes, lotions, hair products, deodorants. And for the next week I was exhausted forcing me to sleep through most of the day. These are symptoms from the chemicals in the food OR gluten, but they professed my meal to be gluten-free so I don't know for sure.

He emails later and says, "I'm fine with taking food to a park." He still doesn't get it, but I do appreciate his flexibility.

Don't get me wrong. Aside from the stress, paranoia, and subsequent misery, I had a really good time although the dating part was uncomfortable. Although through my account I have described how I was feeling, I was never rude, demanding, or disrespectful at any time. He asked for a second date.

Then the fatal flaw reared it's ugly head, the deal breaker...he's a Trumptard. During the date I asked who he voted for president, but unfortunately I asked him this after I shared my activist proclivities so he already knew where I stood.

He hesitated, looked away, and said, "Hmmm....I vote democrat."

I'm writing it that small because that's how he said it. Who answers in a baby voice? Most Democrats right now would scream, "CLINTON. DON'T EVER CONFUSE ME WITH SOMEONE WHO IS STUPID!" Maybe it was difficult to lie and he thought if it did it quietly it wouldn't count? I ignored the body language and decided I needed to believe his words. For the time being.

Because he remained so incredibly unenlightened even after all my health condition disclosures, instead of asking how I was feeling after the date, he decided to email me some of his writings on his political positions. Either he lied or he's confused to what it means to "vote Democrat". I debated his points to which he replied my views were inconsequential since they are based on emotion rather than facts and statistics as his are. Really? If that isn't a Trumptard defense I don't know what is. I defended my positions by telling him he's erroneously manipulating statistics to fit his agenda and his so-called truths are, in the words of one of his idiot idols, alternative facts. He ended his last email with, "I still like you." I replied, "If you start wearing a MAGA hat, you're on my shit list." I never heard from him again. I think he lied which is a common characteristic of all Republicans. The real truths eventually reveal themselves. Good riddance. This let's me off the hook. I wasn't interested in dating, only friendship, but never with a Trumptard. As tolerant as everyone is supposed to be, I cannot deal with bottom-of-the-barrel ignorance from anyone.

Never again. Dating is too stressful and risky. It's not worth it. Heck, even attempting friendship is a pain in the ass.

This New Year's resolution that harasses me to take risks has proven to be too dangerous. I quit.

Canary Singles

For years I asked various MCS groups to create and promote a relationship-seeking site for those of us who are single and would like to connect with others, but most rejected my idea telling me it would dilute the socio-political message and public education is the priority. So many of us are isolated without a support system, without family, and sometimes without friends with suicide the number one cause of death for the MCS community. To me connecting with others is a priority. Most of us can't even fathom an actual romantic relationship as just surviving daily can be so stressful. For those ready and willing to take the plunge, where would one find a single, safe, fragrance-free person? We can't even find MCS friends!

So here it is!  Canary Singles There is a free 30-day trial then after that you pay to flirt. One month costs $9.99, three months $19.99, six months $29.99 and one year is $49.99. Payment is made through Paypal.

No, I have not yet joined.

I did look at the menu. If I'm reading the locations correctly there are actual some men close to me (which is odd thing to discover), but I think I'll wait until more members join to make it cost effective. I'm not sure if I'm a dating site kind of girl. And just the thought of a man in my life exhausts me. Just the thought. So much work. So much effort. I like my singlehood. My autonomy. My independence. Why would I want a man to mess it up? Hmmmmm...I'll ponder that.

Revelation: Older Women/Younger Men

Today I am pondering the young, gorgeous, grocery god I gazed upon at the co-op a few days ago. In my recent search for menopausal truth, I discovered many new learnings. The most revelatory was why older women are attracted to younger men.

I've always liked younger men. When I was twelve I had a crush on a nine-year old. Three-year age differences aren't a big of deal unless you are in sixth grade and he is in third grade then it's unthinkable. Although I was probably more emotionally and physically mature, sex wasn't even in our vocabulary. He was taller, stronger,  smarter, blonder and tanner. He also lived across the street so it was more of a case of proximity. We spent a lot of time together outside of school, running through fields, trail-blazing in the woods, building forts, and tormenting our younger siblings. It felt incredibly natural at the time, although at school this age difference was taboo.  I would have never bragged about it to my twelve-year-old girlfriends, yet he was far more fun than they were.

Fast forward to the future and my mid-life college years. He was twenty-one. I was thirty. Again, proximity is to blame. We had classes together, both majoring in education, discovered a mutual love of hiking right before a summer break and spent the whole summer backpacking together. I certainly didn't plan a relationship with a kid just outside his teen years. My dad called him "the twelve-year-old" just to torment me. I found the teasing not only irritating, but irrational since my dad was married to a woman half his age. He didn't see the contradiction nor recognize the sexism.

A few years later I dated another adorable twenty-something. I heard through the family gossip one of my snide relatives wondered aloud, "So, which junior high did she find him at?" Amidst the constant disrespectful teasing and humiliation I questioned my attraction and even my sanity. Some of my relatives accused me of feeling old and thinking a younger man would make me feel young. Hmmm...no. This was pre-MCS so I was feeling pretty young at the time. Younger men can be quite gorgeous and youth IS attractive, no doubt. But is that it? Am I that superficial? Or am I immature? I pondered long and hard trying to justify if all the harassment was worth it.

First, I was selective. The younger men I dated were intelligent and fairly mature as well as fun, energetic, and free-spirited. We usually shared common interests like hiking, backpacking, camping, kayaking, scuba diving, and music, and their sense of adventure made them very opened-minded to new experiences. They rarely complained of bad backs or painful joints, and they didn't have prior entanglements like ex-wives or older children that always took priority.

More importantly, I liked that younger men were less controlling. In fact, they would do whatever I wanted. I called the shots. I had the power. Older men, on the other hand, were set in their ways and incredibly manipulative. They were in charge and we did what they wanted. My opinion was of no concern. Constant fighting for a voice wasn't fun. Older men always wanted to get married, too. A more permanent state of control was expected from their generation.

Younger men didn't stink. Their natural body odor usually didn't smell badly and if they even considered wearing cologne or smelly body spray, I'd put my foot down and they'd immediately comply. Younger men also remembered not to wear anything stinky. Memory isn't a problem for a younger man and it was as if I was important enough for them to listen to me and pay attention. Telling older men they can't stink and they perceive it as a threat. There is something to be said for the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" and you can't change years of nasty habits. They would show up for the next date bathed in stink, feel miffed when I frowned, demand everything is fine, and let me know I should get over myself. I was often treated as a disappointment and my disobedience in need of retraining. I wasn't meek and subservient enough.

I found it strange that my habit of younger men was so repulsive in our culture, but an older man with a younger woman is not only sanctioned, but envied. Society just smiles and claims the man is going through a mid-life crisis. Other men nod their approval and see him as a role model. Who wants to be with an older woman when they can have a young, attractive, compliant girl?

In my twenties, I did go through a stage where I was the younger woman. At the time older men seemed more thoughtful and romantic, as well as employed and stable. They liked going to fancy restaurants and getting dressed up for cultural outings. There was a certain security in our age difference and being young and silly, I liked having someone tell me what to do and how to think. At the time too many boys my age didn't have jobs, drove barely functioning cars, and didn't want to do anything but drink and avoid taking baths so a more mature partner was preferred. Then I grew up....

Granted, times are changing. Now we have "cougars" and "tadpoles" and the idea of strong women dating gorgeous young men isn't as repulsive. Older women have income and with age this gives them power. This has its own disadvantages. However, find online articles about this age difference and the comment section still disapproves. Especially if the woman LOOKS old or isn't as attractive as the younger man then everyone is judgmental. She's obviously taking advantage of him. Youth and beauty still rule and hags are evil. In many indigenous cultures the pairing of a younger man with an older woman is standard practice and not taboo. The older woman is considered the respected teacher. The last twenty-five year old that asked me out I told him he was too young for me. He replied a bit confused, "I'm surprised age would matter to you." He was right. We did have a lot in common and he made me laugh. I was embarrassed society's opinion had taken its toll. Don't tempt me, young cute thing!

So as I'm reading various books on menopause and sexuality I'm finding information on hormones. Our hormone production declines in old age. I think most of us know that. Young women are saturated with estrogen which makes them soft, sweet, nurturing, cuddly, and fertile. Younger men are flooded with testosterone which makes them energetic, aggressive, not so fond of cuddling and always ready to reproduce. The sexual peak for young men is twenty-two. Other than the reproduction potential, the sexes are in opposition.

Older women have less estrogen and more testosterone. This imbalance makes them more energetic, more aggressive, and more authoritarian. Their sexual peak is around thirty-five years old. They know what they want. Old men, on the other hand, lose testosterone and this imbalance makes them more emotional and cuddly. Sexual role reversal with aging is our natural inclination. The age difference we seek is merely our natural tendency to match our hormonal changes and new-found personalities to new partners. Divorce rates are highest in later years because of this. Older women are more compatible with younger men, and older men are more compatible with younger women. It has nothing to do with older people seeking younger partners to feel younger. Older men and younger women like to cuddle. Younger men and older women like to, well...be energetic.

Fascinating. I'm enjoying the idea of aging more and more. It makes me feel brave. Like a cougar.

Call me Yatna...

The Dating Game

If you thought dating was difficult before, try mixing dating with chemical sensitivity! In addition to the challenges associated with disclosure and friendship, with a romantic relationship close proximity is inevitable so serious fragrance-freeness is really important. I knew a woman who classified dates into four categories. I'll borrow her categories and tweak them for chemical sensitivity:

Anti-Dates This is a date that had all the signs of hope and ends up a nightmare experience.

There are two types of chemically sensitive anti-dates. The first are men who bathed in cologne, aftershave, smelly deodorant, etc., and cannot or will not give up their habits. Take BRENT*, for instance.  He seemed like a nice guy so when he asked me out, I thought sure and gave him the rules for fragrance-freeness. He sounded eager to comply. Whew, relief! Well, maybe not. He couldn't live without his mouthwash, deodorant or smelly laundry detergent with fabric softener, but did he tell me that before the date? Nope, he showed up smelling like a French whore. His attitude was, "Oh well! What are you going to do about it?" Did he totally ignore my request on purpose? Was he just so arrogant what I was saying was not important to him? Was he testing me? Or was he just a defiant, disrespectful jerk? Disrespectful, odoriferous arrogance is a total turn off.

The second type are fragrance-free men who are clearly wrong for any number of reasons even though they don't stink. Take STEVE*, for instance.  No stink whatsoever.  I thought he was too perfect to be true. He was a doctor, with a real job, drove a working vehicle, owned his house, very worldly, seemed very smart, and gorgeous. Did I say gorgeous? I can overlook a whole lot of horrible for gorgeous. Too good to be true? Even gorgeous can turn ugly in a relatively short period of time. He was a drug addict and abusive. Even though fragrance-free men are difficult to find and fragrance-free gorgeous men are rather non-existent, I won't lowered my standards.

Un-Dates  The opposite of a date, usually a time planned to annoy someone or annoying men you don't have any interest in but you wonder if maybe you just don't know them well enough.

Stinky men who claim they are fragrance-free, but clearly aren't. Take MARTIN*, for instance. He bathed in Dial soap, used Herbal Essence shampoo, washed his clothes in Tide, but he claimed he was just fine and follows the fragrance-freeness rules because he rinses twice. WTF? How many times do I need to tell him multiple rinses with water do not work? He doesn't accept his skin will offgas poison for days. (Especially after he eats when his body starts sweating. Yuck.) He doesn't listen. He doesn't care. He expects we'll do it his way because he is the man. End of story. Besides the stink, arrogance with stupidity is total turn off.

Non-Dates  A date without romance with at least one party not interested.

Fragrance-free men who are not relationship material but you do things together. Take EDDY*, for instance. He was fragrance-free and gay. We used to go to restaurants and movies together in the city. He was awesome.

Fragrance-free lesbians who are not relationship material because we aren't on the same team, but we don't know this when we first meet. Take LES*, for instance. She was fragrance-free, interesting, and nice. I thought "Oh, new friend!" She wanted me to see a really cool coffee/tea shop nearby that I never knew existed. Fun. When she started talking about her ex-partner I finally figured out this might have been considered a date for her.

Fragrance-free men with whom I might have an interest, but they don't. Take DAVE*, for instance. He was fragrance-free and we did all kinds of fun things together. On every date he would say, "This is not a date." It was incredibly annoying. I started calling him "Not-a-Date-Dave."  After a while I lost interest in him and thought he was an adequate acquaintance. Maybe this is an un-date? Can't decide.

Perfect Dates Fragrance-free men who are perfect. Since being chemically sensitive, these are very rare gifts.

Just when I'm about to give up, along comes hope. Take DEXTER*, for instance. Of course, I just met him so right now he's a figment of my imagination. What I know so far is he is fragrance-free, gorgeous, kind, thoughtful, respectful, employed. Too good to be true? I bet he's married or a serial killer. Too soon to tell. Crossing my fingers.

What I find interesting is I've spoken or corresponded with dates-of-the-past since becoming chemically sensitive and I've had a few say, "I wear cologne! I always have! Even when we were dating!" I have no recollection of cologne and it definitely didn't bother me at the time. Dating was so much easier then!

*Names are changed to protect the not-so-innocent.