Validation and Vindication

As a young girl I watched my mother die. She sat on the couch every day for months and cried in pain. After she died, my brother and I were forced to live with my father, his new wife, and step-siblings to grow up surrounded by smokers, junk food eaters, drug addicts, alcoholics and every other manner of poor parenting and little nurturing. As a young girl I made a solemn vow to not get cancer, be healthy, and not end my days in such a miserable situation. I started reading health books. I refused to ever smoke cigarettes, drink much, or do drugs. I probably missed out on a whole lot of fun in my youth, but I was convinced it was for the best. Anytime I started to slip, I hit the "play" switch in my brain and listened to my mother's tears.

I grew up being harassed for my health-driven determination. No one really understood my emotional baggage. They just thought I was weird. Or bossy. My step-mother constantly accused me of being a hypochondriac. I'm pretty sure she got really tired of my epiphanies and constant dietary advice...you shouldn't drink Coke constantly, we shouldn't eat that fake cheese, the book I just read said smoking will kill you, why are we eating frozen dinners or pizza so often? She didn't understand I was trying to save them. I didn't want anyone else to die. My siblings, who all started smoking around eight years old, always asked me with a smirk and snarky tone, So, what weird diet are you on now? My father constantly told me I was fat, but he didn't seem to connect our diet with his obesity nor my weight gain. As a young adult I'd have to stand out in the rain during holiday dinners because everyone inside was smoking and my lungs couldn't handle it. Eventually I stopped trying to celebrate the holidays with family, but I was the only one left out and this always made me question if my desire to be healthy was wrong. After all, I was the minority and I was the one suffering in exile and isolation. Everyone was having way more fun than I was!

I do blame much of my chemical sensitivity on my family's ignorant bad habits. I've heard there is a connect between hypothyroidism and second hand smoke and chemicals of all kinds contribute to autoimmune diseases. Children don't have much control over their environments: poor air quality, poor diets, and general emotional stress can take a toll on developing bodies. Stupid, irresponsible people shouldn't be allowed to be parents, and unfortunately, they usually pass their bad habits on to their offspring. We really shouldn't wonder why our health care system is overtaxed with all the unhealthy, apathetic people doing whatever they want regardless of the outcome.

Aside from the chemical sensitivity and the thyroid disease connected to the chemical sensitivity, the rest of me is fairly healthy. Hooray! I can deal with dying. I just don't want to be miserable on the way there or for any length of time. Is that too much to ask? I am determined to outlive all my relatives and I am hopeful all my sacrifices and healthful habits will pay off. If not, I'm going to be a very resentful dead person.

I visited my brother yesterday who lives about three hours away. I do this once a year around his birthday and when his organic Asian pears ripen. Because of the bad habits of all family members, I don't have much contact with any of them. Once a year or every other year, my brother visits me. He works hard at not smelling like smoke, we usually sit outside, and I catch up on the latest family gossip. Sometimes I ask him about his diet and he tells me he had Twinkies for breakfast, McDonald's hamburgers and fries for lunch, and dinner will be two cans of processed spaghetti with four slices of margarine-frosted, bleached-white Wonder Bread. Eeeww. There have been times I've uncontrollably exclaimed, WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?, but I no longer lecture or advise. It took me a long time to realize trying to be helpful was a waste of my time. I've trained myself not to care.

Everyone is getting older. There have been times over the years when I've whined about MCS and wondered why no one else in my family seems to be as unlucky as me. Poor, poor, pathetic me. But it's all relative (pun intended), and it's all starting to catch up with them now. In the last year alone, family members are plagued with newly diagnosed diabetes, Crohn's disease, fibromyalgia, blood clots, back problems, heart attacks, strokes and out of control stupidity forcing perpetual unemployment and disability. And that's just what I could drag out of my brother. He's not really forthcoming with the gossip. I can say I'm not surprised, but I confess, as I listened to him I silently thought, It's about time!

Am I a horrible person for thinking this? Am I bad? I know I should probably be more sympathetic, but really? If you smoke for 40 years, this is what happens. If you eat junk food all your life, this is what happens. If you do drugs or drink excessively, this is what happens. Did they really expect a better outcome? My brother tends to blame all health problems on genetics. He thinks if it runs in the family there is nothing that could have been done to prevent it. Really? This is a common medical assumption I always hear, but in truth I think it's just a way to avoid personal responsibility. The only thing we've inherited from our parents were their bad habits and the nasty environment they provided for us. As adults, we have a choice to continue the stupidity or stand up and take responsibility for ourselves. I put up with a lot of abuse as a kid for wanting to be healthy and throughout the years I've questioned if it was worth the effort. Even with MCS and Hashimoto's, I'm still fairing better than anyone else and I am thankful for that! Their bad news is my validation. (I AM a horrible person! Why don't I feel bad about that?)

The best news, however, was my brother quit smoking!!! This is a MIRACLE. He said his lungs started really bothering him to the point where he couldn't breathe. Such excellent news! He had a new house built and doesn't let anyone smoke in it. Hooray!!! I'm trying to pretend I didn't hear about the tumor doctors recently found on his spinal cord. Hey, he did say God told him smoking would kill him, I just figured it would be lung cancer, esophageal cancer or something more obviously connected to his cigarette addiction.