HOLY SHIT, or The Fine Art of Elimination

I write this blog anonymously so I can be honest and not worry about being censored or censoring myself in fear of being censored. I might discuss controversial ideas, scary subjects, or disgusting topics that might cause judgment or concern among friends, acquaintances, or even strangers. I once had a total stranger threaten to call the police because she thought I was in danger. The same stranger thought it would be appropriate to tell me to delete a post because she didn't think it was nice. Although I appreciated her concern, I wanted to scream MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS! THIS IS MY BLOG! WRITE YOUR OWN BLOG!

This post is of the latter category of disgusting topics. Hey, but this is something so natural it is part of our everyday human existence, and it shouldn't be considered disgusting...until it is. How does one go to the "bathroom" when living in the van? I've been asked this a lot, specifically, "Suppose you need to potty in the middle of the night?" I have never in my life not needed to get up in the middle of the night to pee...unfortunately.

There are all kinds of tricks of the toilet in a van. Some people splurge on fancy composting toilets which are expensive and huge. Nice if you have the money and space, but my space is valuable in this tiny "home." In addition, they still need to be eventually emptied and that's the inconvenience.

Many use large five-gallon buckets with or without special seat attachments lined with plastic bags designed for this purpose. With smaller sized buckets, it's often difficult to squat so low especially for us older folks whose knees, hips, and backs do not like the stress. It has been suggested if using buckets and plastic bags to separate the urine from the fecal matter as mixing creates more smell. Also, use metal buckets as plastic just sucks up the smell and holds it regardless of how many times one tries to sanitize the container. And, also, use pine wood chips (the kind one buys for small pets) with the fecal matter, again to eliminate smell. The problem with wood chips is they are most commonly sold in 20lb. bags. I don't have room in a small van for such a large item. Any old plastic bag, for instance, those you might get from a grocery store (for FREE!) are not advised because they leak. This is never good. I have lined a bucket with three different plastic bags and the urine still seeps through to the bucket. Again, these need to be emptied. Urine if separated, can be dumped at a rest stop restroom. Feces in plastic bags goes right in a garbage can. (Eeeww....)

Most people living or traveling in vans or other vehicles try to time it right when near a rest stop, at a restaurant, or in a store so they are able to use the facilities, but that's not always convenient.

In my former van, during my first road trips. I used a small bucket with plastic bags. Never really had a problem, but I was always emptying the bucket as soon as I found a rest stop. It's a lot of work to constantly have to stop and empty.

I started using a bucket and plastic bags with this van and still have one ready for emergencies. A friend suggested I use a coffee can! 

Folger's...newly sterilized.

They aren't metal cans anymore, but plastic with tight fitting lids and a little carry indentation. She informed me, you can do the business in the van or a car (she travels with her car), then carry it into a rest stop bathroom as if no one knows what you have. Maybe. I think anyone living in a vehicle knows exactly what I'd be doing! It's not like I'm planning to make coffee in the toilet stall! I really like Target plastic bags as they are (sometimes) thick, sturdy plastic.

I supplemented this idea with a female urinal that someone on a women's van life group suggested. It looks like a fancy, purple pitcher, shaped just so to fit the lady parts. 

It's a little daunting peeing standing up, but it works especially in the middle of the night. I just chant, "If a man can do this, so can I!" No deep knee bends or squatting necessary! Unfortunately, it doesn't come with a lid so I'm always afraid it'll fall over, and I'll have urine all over the rug. (Eewww!) After I do the business, I then dump it in the coffee can my friend donated, snap the coffee can lid in place. In the morning, I empty and clean both vessels and store them in a plastic bag in a bucket.

This has been so convenient even if I'm in a parking lot, on the side of the road, in a picnic area or anywhere I need to pee and don't want to leave the van. The walls of the van are high enough for privacy or I can cover the windows with my window covers. Very convenient. Inconvenient to constantly have to dump, clean, dry, and store, but it is what it is.

There is a reason they call this area "Oro Valley".

However, I have been caught off guard. A few nights ago, right at dusk I was in a campground parked in the back thinking I had privacy. The side doors of the van were opened to nature with views of the mountains in the background. I needed to pee. OK! I dropped my drawers around my ankles, placed the urinal just so and with my ass facing to the mountains, I started my business. Just then two horseback riders rode by. I didn't know there was a trail right there! I'm sure they got a good look at my naked butt shining like a setting sun!

But...then there is diarrhea. I think everyone in their lifetime has experienced diarrhea so this shouldn't be a surprise topic. Living in a van has caused me to be preoccupied with surviving. I don't exercise as much as I should and I am not sticking to my diet, especially the low histamine diet. Eating too many high histamine foods I have discovered creates a whole lot of gastrointestinal misery.

One morning I am up at the crack of dawn, and I have to go the "Number Two". I thought, No, problem. I can wait twenty minutes to get into town. I prep the van for travel, start driving, and as soon as I'm on the darkened highway in the middle of New Mexico, my colon starts screaming. OMG! What do I do? The pain intensifies. I don't have a choice. Pull to the side of the highway, in the dark, and figure out how to get the deed done without a passing semi-truck lights shining on my business or getting bit by a rattlesnake lurking in the grass. The pain is screaming through my intestines so I threw all caution to the wind, jump out the side door, squat, and do the business. It's fast and furious. I had no idea my body could hold that much shit and it SMELLS to high heaven!  I'm absolutely convinced this is exactly why the term "taking a dump" came to be. As I prepare to drive away, I wonder if I'll run over it. I worry someone else might pull over and encounter it. I wonder if there are any cameras that caught the whole thing on video? Will I be arrested? Good god. Being human is hard!

I don't know what kind of food this is, but it makes a good illustration...

A few days later, again, I wake up and the Number Two is gurgling. Again, I don't think anything of it...until it refused to stay in my body, uncontrollably demanding to be released. OMG! Thankfully the coffee can was right in front of me, but I still didn't have enough time. I spent the morning cleaning liquid shit off everything! (Eewww!) So nasty! I really miss not having a real bathroom.

And you were thinking van life is adventurous!