Here is my new home for who knows how long:
I'm in the back of the parking lot where it gets shade in the afternoon. That will help me deal with this 90+ degree weather from noon to about 5pm. I feel like I'm melting! Today the high was 92 degrees, but it feels like 120 degrees in the van. I keep sucking down water and running a cold handkerchief over my face, neck and arms. It cools down at night so I tend to watch the time closely. It should get cooler by the weekend so I'm hopeful. See in the photo below, there is actually a porta-potty nearby (little brown hut in the background). There isn't much privacy in a parking lot so going to the bathroom is difficult, more so now that I have to balance on one foot and pray I don't fall over! I drove over to the porta potty later in the day and dumped my pee bucket and poop pail. I wish I knew where to dump my garbage. It amazes me how much garbage one person in a small van can accumulate. I'll take it to Walmart when I go. Baby steps to survival. And I see the light at the end of the tunnel! This sure did put a kink in my Great Adventure plan, but it never stopped being an adventure!
My thought is this hospital is going to charge me a lot of money for surgery, follow-up appointments and all the ins and outs. I intent to save money by camping in their parking lot. I already informed security so hopefully they will spread the awareness and the nurses checked to see if it was OK and they gave me permission. Nurses also said if I run out of food, do Door Dash. Patients staying in the hospital long term always have supplies delivered. I like being close in case I need help. Why not? Van life is just about living rent/mortgage free. The parking lot isn't pretty, but it can be home for now. I checked with a couple more hotels today, but they all use air fresheners. The hotel receptionist I spoke to said it's an industry standard. There is really no other place to go as Maine isn't friendly to van living.
I started reading Kasher in the Rye by Moshe Kasher. It was highly recommended. I couldn't get into it.
Day 2, Tuesday: My hair is so stringy from all the humidity and sweat I decided to try to wash it. The surgeon and nurses told me to get up and move every now and then for circulation so that's what I did. I had to walker my way out to the back of the van, get buckets, water jugs, clothes hanger thing, folding chair, and soap. Not only did I wash my hair, but did some handwashing laundry before the sun starts beating down. I wanted to take advantage of the heat so hopefully everything will dry fast...unless the humidy prevents it! I felt weak, dizzy and slightly nauseated which always worries me because I don't want to fall. I kept humming that song, "I am Woman." Nothing is going to keep me down! HA!
Although it's only the second day in the parking lot, today is the third day since the surgery and hospital stay so the pain should decrease. After my next dose of ibuprofen, I'll start some gentle range of motion stretches to keep the foot and ankle working.
Around noon, the temperature reached 93 degrees. I opened windows, closed the side door since the sun was shining on it, then closed up everything and put the key in the ignition and put the air on full blast. I didn't want to turn it off but I thought if the heat in this van doesn't kill me, I'm pretty sure the carbon monoxide will! I looked at my map of Maine and wondered if I should just drive somewhere, but then I'd have to beg people to pump my gas or I'd be pulled over by police and get a ticket. Instead I called the Park & Ride and asked for a ride to the medical center. The driver was very kind and friendly. I asked if there was a place to sit and he suggested the cafeteria. My clothes are wet with sweat. I probably smell homeless, but it's so cool in here!!!
I want very badly to eat pie! I bet they have a lot of evil foods here. Good thing I can't walk! I am trying not to eat sugar as I want to heal fast. I've been very good so far! I did check the cafeteria...NOTHING gluten-free and everything junk! BLAH! At least it can't tempt me, but this is a hospital! Why fill the cafeteria with substandard junk food when they should be promoting health?
I read We Solve Murders by Richard Osman.
Day 3, Wednesday: It's 8am and already 77 degrees of mugginess! UGH! I got up early, dumped my pee bucket in the porta potty and garbage at the Walmart. At 6am I hobbled into Walmart to stock up on food, but they were out of my yogurt. Damn. I need yogurt in order to take these pain killers or I get so queasy the head spinning makes it difficult to move around. I headed to Grosvenor's Bakery and Restaurant for breakfast. They have one of those dream bakeries - the most beautiful desserts! Their cakes are about a foot tall! Nothing gluten-free, but I bought six huge cookies for the Park & Ride guys. Although they don't take tips, I figured I'd better get in their good graces in some way because I'll be using them to get to the hospital so I can hang out in air conditioning. I'm sitting at the deserted far end of the air-conditioned cafeteria now, using the hospital's free wi-fi. I hope to be here all day until the temperatures start decreasing.
I really hate this. I fear someone will eventually tell me I need to leave. I feel like an interloper. I see the end, but it's all happening in slow motion. I need a real adventure. I have been scanning the Zillow ads to buy a house, but maybe I want a house in Greece or Spain or France? Or maybe that sounds like too much hassle? I'm getting to old for all this shenanigans.
I read The Life Impossible by Matt Haig.
Day 4, Thursday: It was supposed to rain today. It didn't, but the weather keeps postponing it so until then we get "suspended rain." Yep, I made that up. The horrid mugginess and air quality is so thick it's hard to breathe and it feels like rain hanging in the air. EEEEWWW! Get me outta here! I can sense the mold growing in my van.
The pain killers are taking a toll, too. After nearly two weeks of daily drugs, I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach constantly. Walmart seems to be out of my yogurt which I think might help. I spoke to the pharmacist in the hospital and he said it's a trade off: which is worse: pain or nausea. This is not a choice. He is an idiot.
Worked all day in the air conditioned cafeteria. I took breaks and carefully stretched my foot. I peaked under the bandage and my whole shin looks black and blue! WTH?? Lots of warnings about blood clots, but nothing about being black and blue. I'm in a constant state of ignorance. Should I be worried? Then I think, Oh, what do I care if I die? This is miserable. Living in a van is miserable. I don't have a home. I'm fucking hungry for real food. It might be a relief for it to all be over. Yeah, I'm not having a good day. I want to leave, but even that seems scary. So I get to spend my days watching health care personnel inhale junk food in the cafeteria.
Instead of the hassle of a wheelchair, the hospital also trusts patients with electric carts. I love the basket. I can stuff all my office stuff, computer, notebooks, lunch, purse and walker in it and prowl the hospital halls. HA! What I don't like it is when one goes backwards the warning bell is LOUD! Try it in a bathroom and it feels like it's some kind of weapon of destruction.
I have friends who are not really friends. I think sometimes I pretend people are more than they really are. They are currently in New Brunswick right next door to Nova Scotia. I had planned to cross paths with them and possibly meet up, but then this happened so I told them just so they know our meeting might not happen. Their response, "Good luck with that." Then silence. Two weeks later she is asking how I am. Really? Sorry, it seems so disingenuine. Granted, these are the same people who invited me to visit in San Diego and she went to a conference that was fifteen minutes away. She never once dropped in to say hi. So weird. At least she doesn't feel obligated to share how wonderful her Thai dinner was, but she did share she saw a moose. Does she think I'm in a place where I care? It makes me question what I expect from people: friends, aquaintenances, strangers. The strangers seem far more concerned about me than my own friends and they keep checking in to see how I am. I don't even know what to do with that.
I'm tired....of everything. Including my Arizona doctor. She's useless. I had another (second) telehealth appointment. The video never works and they have no idea why not can't give me instructions so we end up talking on a phone. She has an accent that is really hard to understand and she's just not helpful. I don't need the stress. What was I thinking? But if I didn't have her as a doctor, how would I have ever gotten a surgery referral. It's such a game.
Day 5, Friday: I have this urge to shave my head. The muggy heat makes my hair stringy, sweaty, and gross. I always have this fear with no hair, no make up, old wrinkly face I'll look like an old man, but do I really care? Who sees me? It's not like I do selfies five times a day. Besides I AM old and feeling it. So what if people get the gender wrong. Heck, maybe if people think I'm an old man I'll get more respect? I wish I still had my shaver. I sold it in the purge.
I have been sick all day. Called the surgeon's office and they want me to get some meprazole, Pepsid or Prilosec. I checked with the pharmacy and the name brands are loaded with cellulose. I went looking for yogurt and found some. It didn't help. I think I just have to quit the ibuprofen. This worries me. I don't want my leg to swell, get infected or be in pain, but I don't know what to do.
I spent the day in the cafeteria working. I went to a health store but their electric cart didn't work and it was so exhausting using the walker. There were about five employees, 4 men and a young woman. The woman offered help. The men were assholes. I've been having too many asshole encounters lately.
Temperature this morning at 8am was 63 degrees! Unlike the other day when it was 77 degrees! Hooray! It still hasn't rained. I wish it would.
The hospital security approached me. Wanted to know who I was and why I was parked in the parking lot. Really? After a WEEK? I gave them my name, phone number, license plate and then a lecture on how I am patiently waiting for my post-surgical follow-up appointment to make sure nothing is infected, everything is healing properly and to get stitches out. I assured him I do not want to be here. I'm not "camping". This is not recreation. I have no where else to go until the appointment which is next week. I also told him nurses told me I could stay the night and the security I encountered the morning of the surgery didn't seem to care when I told them. Even the superviser who gave me a ride back to the van that afternoon didn't seem to care. I think this guy was taking his job too seriously, BUT now I'm paranoid at any moment someone will tell me to leave. Just six more days...
Day 6, Saturday: I had weird dreams last night probably from Walmart chicken. Clearly it's toxic. I dreamt my brother died just as I was emptying the van into a new place to live. I don't remember if I was renting or if I bought the house. So strange.
The parking lot is fairly empty on the weekends, unlike the weekdays where it is nearly full. I spent the day working, eating, lounging, reading, and not going anywhere. I am tired of trying to drive to the store and I am tired of taking another drug because the nurses can't seem to manage the pain effectively. It was hard to sleep all night from the discomfort.
I want to shave my head.
Finished The Life Impossible. I loved it. About a woman in her seventies who has lost all enthusiasm for life. Both her young son and husband are dead leaving her alone. I always worried about not getting married and not having kids and whether I'd regret ending up alone in my senior years, but this woman still ended up alone. There are no guarantees. I like she went to a Spanish island and found a life. I like she acquired superpowers. I need some superpowers! I want that kind of adventure! Maybe I need to expand my house search and go international? I don't even know how. It all seems so difficult.
Five more days...
I awoke to cool temperatures in the 50s and the high today was 82 degrees. Not bad. I look forward when it is 70 degrees.
Day 7, Sunday: It's SO MUGGY. 91% humidity and 83 degrees. It's supposed to rain this afternoon, but it's been threatening rain all week and nothing.
I ran errands all day. Got some Zegerid which is a fancy brand for Omeprazole with Sodium Bicarbonate in hopes of controlling the nausea from the ibuprofen. Went to Walmart for a garbage dump and to buy more yogurt. I then tackled the health food store in hopes of finding salmon and other meats. I'm thinking meat and good protein will help heal bones (along with a lot of yogurt!).
There was a charming man who hobbled up beside me and suggested we start a club. He had a cast on his foot, but he said he had surgery long ago and has had nothing but problems. His wife shared with me stories of people she knows who broke an ankle simply slipping. She also asked where I had the surgery done. When I told her she just "hmmmm" but said nothing. I think if it was the same place they've had problems with she might have added a warning. I'm really happy I picked such a good facility. I hope. Four days until the follow-up appointment.
Then I came back to the parking lot and vegetated for most of the afternoon.
I saw a young man the other day up by the street, and again he was up there today. He walked down the steep embankment to ask if I was OK. He said he saw my van yesterday and then sees I am back so he wanted to check on me. I told him I had been there all week waiting for an appointment that is scheduled for next week (showed him my cast). He said he wanted to check to be kind. Later when the storm was about to hit he came back down to let me know it was about to thunderstorm. Very nice. We need more nice people in the world. If this experience has taught me anything, people are assholes and most of them don't care about anyone but themselves. Even as I sit in a HOSPITAL parking lot in a cast, this young man was the one rare person who stopped to ask if I needed help. If I saw someone in a van in a cast sitting in a parking lot, I would ask if they needed anything. Even in most of the stores I enter, as I'm struggling to get in the door, no one offers help.
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| Ten minutes before 3pm the dark clouds start rolling in... |
Of course, I had been staring at the weather reports all morning waiting for the storm, praying it would actually happen this time. Right on schedule...big, black clouds rolled in and it started to pour. OMG! It smelled so good!
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| Shazam! Right on schedule! |
Day 8, Monday: I didn't take any ibuprofen last night because I felt pretty good. In fact just before falling asleep I forgot I had a broken ankle! I didn't think I needed more drugs. Woke up in the middle of the night in horrible pain and a lot of it in my back. With no solar power in the morning (fans on all night), I got a ride to the hospital for cafeteria breakfast in order to eat pills of all kinds in hopes of no nausea reprocussions. Still slightly nauseated.
Sat in the cafeteria and researched comment sections for hotels in Flagstaff. Most negative comments mentioning mold, cleaning products, or pet stink. I doubt if I'll be able to find a clean hotel anywhere! Researched orthopedic surgeons in Flagstaff.
This is the longest two weeks of my life....
Beautiful day today!! The high was 70 degrees with a cool breeze and sunshine. I made an appointment with an orthopedic ankle specialist in Flagstaff in September for the six weeks follow up and maybe physical therapy. Flagstaff right now has 32% humidity. It's in the 80s but by the time I get there it might be in the 70s. It's Arizona so BLM land is all over, good food, free grocery bags and most importantly, out of Maine!
Day 9, Tuesday: Damn, this countdown makes me feel good! Getting closer! Two more days and I'm outta here! I want Maine in my rear view!!
I admit I've lost my nerve. Traveling alone feels dangerous now. Camping alone in the woods feels risky. I don't feel safe anymore. You wouldn't think shattering an ankle, having to be carried off a beach, into an ambulance, faced with substandard Canadian public health, driving to another country for much needed surgery, then living in a hospital parking lot for two weeks would be that traumatic, but is was and it is. I'm sure I'll get over it, but I'm now afraid of the unknown. Driving several days across country alone with really no plan frightens me. I think being handicapped in some way, even in a minor way, adds to the vulnerablity. Interesting how our outlook can change at the drop of a hat, or in this case, a slip of the foot. If anything this experience reminded me I have no one in my life to rely on for help.
But do I have a choice? One of my friends commented on how "adventurous" I am with this injury and how admirable this is. It has nothing to do with being adventurous. It has everything to do with being alone in the world. I don't have a choice. If I don't get it done, it won't get done. If I wasn't willing to drive with my left foot, I'd still be in Nova Scotia listening to everyone lecture me on how I can't drive with my left foot, forfeiting surgery, and never walking again. If I don't drive across the country, I'd be in Maine the rest of my life. <shiver>
At eleven days since surgery, my ankle feels better. I don't have to elevated it to keep the pain and swelling at bay. I'm still using the walker, but I can walk with the weight-bearing cast although I try not to put full weight on it yet although I did slide out of the driver's seat at a gas station and walk freely pumping my own gas! Felt fine. I'm not so dizzy or nauseated since I'm taking less pain meds, but in the morning when it's cold, my ankle aches and the incisions burn at night if rubbing on the cast. It's getting better. I have every confidence it'll continue to heal as so many others have assured. I haven't had sugar for nineteen days in hopes that will assist the healing process. Well, other than the sugar that is in the yogurt. I'll make sacrifices to get this done and over as fast as possible, but damn, I want something bad to eat!!
It's cloudy this morning, but it should get up to 72 degrees this afternoon. Lovely weather finally! Friday is back up to 85 degrees, but I hope to be driving away Thursday afternoon!
OOPS! A different security guy drove up in his car and again, asked me why I was parked. I told him I'm waiting for an appointment on Thursday and there is no where else to be. I explained as soon as this appointment is over, I am gone. He very nicely said I couldn't park in the hospital parking lot and to take my time, but MOVE. He seems to think I can park at the local park (no) or a Walmart (no). I checked with the Walmarts and they are tired of RVers moving in for a week or two. How rude to take advantage of the generosity of these businesses and ruin it for the rest of us. I thanked the security guard for the time I was able to park and I drove 50 miles north to find a friendly Walmart. Here I am! TWO MORE DAYS!! I cannot wait to leave this fucking state!
I am reading How to Stop Time by Matt Haig. Love it.
Day 10, Wednesday: I drove to Portland. Three hours. I've never been to the "other" Portland! I didn't have anything else to do today! They have the only Whole Foods in Maine and I am so tired of not finding good food. Of course, Whole Foods is what it is. Rude employees, substandard health food pretending to be more than it is, BUT it's still better than anything out there. And it's comfortable. I know Whole Foods even with all it's faults. Five hours of driving. I can do it! I also bought stuff to freeze since I will be driving through the mid-west where I doubt there is any organic or gluten-free food at all.
Then to find a place to park for the night. I checked iOverlander. Every listing no longer accepts overnight parking! I drove to two rest stops and the fishing access. They have "no overnight parking signs" now along with all the Walmarts in or near Bangor refusing any kind of nomad hospitality. There is a truck stop, but I hate truck stops. The trucks idle all night creating noise and stink and it's just a creepy place filled with creepy men. I hate Maine. Seriously. I finally found the Penobscot Narrows Bridge Overlook. A little parking lot that overlooks the bridge. Many have said they parked overnight and there are no "no overnight parking" signs. I hate these "iffy" places, but I was so tired and my leg hurt so bad after five hours of driving, I couldn't go any further. If a police officers tells me to leave, I can always head to the truck stop.
This is it! Tomorrow is the follow-up! I hope everything is healing as expected.
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