Walls of Words

Entertainment is limited for people who are chemically sensitive. We must isolate from people, either unenlightened individuals who have no clue how to be fragrance free or masses of humanity who group for social events such as restaurant dining, concerts, theater, movies, sports, family functions, and the like. We find ourselves exiled and isolated from others. 

Although I've gotten used to being alone and have found ways to entertain myself in my isolation, I often tell people I am "socially starved." The unenlightened don't normally understand this concept. They have zero empathy because for the most part it is unfathomable to them. The pandemic shed some light on the lifestyle of many chemically sensitive when so many people were forced in lockdown to stay at home, stay away from people to stay safe, and find ways to self-entertain. The unenlightened complained of gaining too much weight. Yep, it comes with isolated self-entertainment. We eat to self-medicate. 

I've discussed forms of isolated entertainment in other posts: creative projects, gardening, walking, television and movies, music. These are great to keep one's mind occupied, but "social starvation", a total lack of human contact and communication, is a whole other form of torture. I crave communication. I am not necessary lonely or in need of company...I just want to communicate. This blog is a great outlet. Email is a god-sent. How did we ever survive without computers? I can't imagine being chemically sensitive at a time when there were no computers or online connection. Thankfully the world wide web keeps us connected to the world, perhaps indirectly, but it's still a connection.

I have been bestowed with the gift of gab. I can talk or write non-stop if given the chance. As an extreme introvert, I never used to be like this, but I have evolved through isolation to seek out strategies of connection and communication. 

My last real "date" with a man was not supposed to be a date. Under normal dating circumstances, I would have conversed like a normal person, discussed topics, answered and asked questions. Because I viewed it as a non-date, I didn't care about conversation etiquette and proceeded to talk non-stop about anything. It was like uncontrollable vomit, purging all the words I'd kept inside for too long. He was fragrance-free and kind of quiet so I was having a good time. At the end of our "non-date" he said, "You sure are a great communicator!" I think a normal first date would not have been so verbose in an attempt to look rationale. He actually wanted to go out again, but since it was a non-date, I declined. This also made me realize my past dating behaviors might have been self-sabotaging. I should have just let loose and talked non-stop. I might have been considered more interesting!

My emailing addiction can become out of control. Every now and then I meet someone new or reconnect with someone old and we begin to correspond. For reconnections, the reminiscing is grand and the updates and sharing what we've done with our lives is phenomenal. It can go on for quite a while, but we eventually run out of things to say, the emails slow down and then stops except for an update every few months. That is normal and expected. I know I can write them under the table. I've had people finally tell me, "OK! Too much! I can't keep up!" One friend told me I was exhausting her. At first I thought, It's email! Just don't read! It's not like a phone that is ringing and demanding attention." I think, however, that etiquette demands emails to be read and answered and this overwhelmed them.

So I started monitoring my emails, managing their length and frequency. My rule was I could only write as much and as long as the other person. I thought I was the queen of compromise, but nevertheless, I still had people scream, "TOO MUCH!" This was confusing. Too much? You are writing just as much if not more than I am!? Case in point, on the day one friend told me it was too much she sent me four emails. Then a week later sent me two letters! Last week she spent one day emailing me eleven times!!!!!!???? Confusion is an understatement. I think it's more about CONTROL. Regardless of mental state or reasoning, writing was still taking up too much time, time the unenlightened don't have because as people who are not chemically sensitive, the world called to them. They had things to do, places to go, and sane people to see, people who weren't locked in their houses at the computer writing 24/7. They don't understand the isolation of chemical sensitivity nor the lack of entertainment or communication options. I tried to apologize and explain how socially starved I am. They don't care.

I've always searched for MCSers who want to correspond. Some do, but most are very negative and it's very draining. I do understand. It's difficult being chemically sensitive, sick, resentful and angry at the world for this forced reclusion. I try to control my posts on this blog so I don't get too negative, but it oozes through like a festering wound especially during times of uncontrollable frustration. I just want to vent to get it all out.

I recently met another MCSer who was uncommonly cheerful. We started responding to each other's posts on a MCS site. She was hilarious. Her writing style is joyful and upbeat. I figured maybe she was on some good drugs. She told me we were "twinsies". HA! She constantly made me laugh. We began messaging each other outside the group and she warned me, "I can write WALLS OF WORDS!" LOL! Oh, my god, I think I found my people!

That joy lasted about a day before she began ranting non-stop about how horrible her life is, how horrible her childhood was, how horrible her family is, how horrible her ex-boyfriend from forty years ago was and my super empath sucked all that toxicity in and I became irritable and stressed out. She explained she doesn't want to converse because she's so passive it makes her feel judged. She just wants to talk about herself. I wanted to scream "DO A BLOG!" LOL. I just can't do MCS people. I'm sure they can't do me either.