In Search of Joy

If I'm lucky, I may live another 50 years, or 30 years, or 10. Or I might die tomorrow. I read once if you reach fifty years of age, you have a 75% chance of reaching 80. Or something like that. But then I see obituaries of lots of people who die at nearly any age...and many at my age. Regardless of when I die, I'm now old enough to take stock of my mortality as I watch each day go by faster and faster. I look back on what I've done and what I didn't do and wonder how I should live the rest of my life.

I was listening to a radio show the other day and the host asked, "If you could know the exact day and time of your death, would you?" Half of the people in the studio said, "Yes" and half said, "No". The "No's" explained it would cause them to worry too much. I'm a "Yes" girl. I want to know. As it is I worry too much about dying anyway. I worry about not only when it will happen, but how. Will I end up with a disease that destroys my body and crushes my spirit. Who will take care of me? Will I drive to the store tomorrow and collide with a logging truck? Will some psychopath break into my house next week and murder me in my bed? I worry if die alone at home, how long it will take for someone to find me? I worry if I die while camping out in the woods will anyone find me? I worry about what will happen to my house if I die. I worry about who will get my things when I'm dead. Not knowing when I will die makes the future an unknown. I worry about money, security, stability, and health. I worry about the choices I make and whether they are good ones that will sustain me for the rest of my life.  I could live another 50 years. How does one plan for that if there is a chance I could die next week?

So I started thinking about life. I think this is what we do as we age. Mortality trumps youthful immortality. How would I live differently if I knew the exact day and time of my death? For starters, I could plan the rest of my days and know how much money I might need for survival. Knowing would reduce the stress of work. I could get rid of everything I own and no longer worry about who is going to get it. Or sell my house and make it available to the new owners the day before my death day so I still have a place to live. Heck, I could spend every cent I have and not worry about who will get it! I would travel more. I'd be more adventurous with life because I already know when I'm dying. No worries.

My brother was in a coma once. He was on a motorcycle and swerved to avoid hitting a kid on a bicycle coming up the hill on his side of the road. During that three week time-out from life, God spoke to him and told him he would die from smoking. Did that make him quit smoking? Heck, no. He claims when God discloses this kind of information, He won't be changing His mind. There isn't a choice so changing his bad behaviors now would be useless. I don't know if knowing how you would die would be helpful, although I think if God told me I'd die from being eaten by a shark, I wouldn't be swimming in the future. I'd rather know the date and time I plan to die. I'm a planner.

But I have no idea when I'll die. With that in mind as I look into the unknown future, one thing I do know is I need more joy in my life. More joy, less stress. More joy, less worry. More joy, less disappointment. More joy, less anger. More joy, less hate. More joy, less work. Lately I've been considering joy with every decision I make. I ask, Will this contribute more joy to my life right now?

Joy is relative, however, to each individual's circumstances. What might bring joy to one person would create hell for someone who is chemically sensitive. I can't decide to go to a party or a restaurant without un-joyful consequences and I also can't treat myself to a day at the spa or go to an indoor concert or theatrical presentation. I can, however, have a garage sale and get rid of the junk and clutter in my life. So joyful!

My new Joy Plan involves making a grand effort at fixing my health. We'll see how far I can get. I'm trying not to give up which I tend to do. I figure if I can feel better, joy will be easier to attain. Unfortunately, this involves spending (wasting) a whole lot of money going to useless doctors and this frustration and stress could be the exact opposite of joy!

Lately my joy decisions do tend to revolve around financial choices. Spending money has always been difficult for me especially now. Chemically sensitive people often suffer from what someone coined as the PTSD of MCS. Once you've been disabled and unemployable, nearly homeless and in financial ruin, you tend not to want to spend money frivolously. Or at all. Even for basic necessities.

So my new Joy Plan is all about finding a balance between frugality and ecstasy. Who knows how much longer I will live, but it's time to starting enjoy my life more. Spending money is really fun as long as I can push aside the feeling of stress it creates. It's fun to treat myself with new things! Like new organic sheets. New clothes. New closets. New heating system. What else can I buy for some joy? Yes! Joy can be bought!

After my foot injuries, multiple doctor visits, and house remodeling, can I afford to go on vacation? Nope. Do I care? Nope. I'm going anyway!!!