The Last Woman on Earth

The latest trends in television shows are post-apocalyptic themes applauding the end of civilization. We like the idea of wiping the slate clean and start over with new beginnings for humankind. The underlying message no matter how this theme is presented is: We really screwed this up.

Any number of things might cause this annihilation: nuclear war, alien attacks, viruses, Republicans, or some unknown sci-fi reason for all electricity to cease working. I love fiction. We are so forgiving and accepting of strange plot lines. There are always a few survivors left to pick up the pieces, but most importantly, the world is thrown into a pre-technological state. A storyline that would cause many television-addicted couch potatoes to panic, but for the rest of us we salivate at the thought of a simpler life.

My favorite show is The 100. It's about earth becoming uninhabitable due to an overabundance of radiation after a nuclear war and the only survivors were those on the space stations. The culture created from being cooped up on a space ship is fascinating. Any tiny infraction and the perpetrator is "floated" - death by space. Unless they are under age, then they go into juvie jail to await their eighteenth birthday and a court hearing to determine if they are capable of being model citizens. It's ruthless. After 97 years, the space stations are running out of air, so they send 100 juvenile delinquents to the ground to see if it's habitable yet. If it's not, bye-bye loser kids. I love the show. I'm addicted. Normally the writing is outstanding, but season two's finale just aired and it was absolutely horrible. Maybe it's the beginning of the end for this series? Still, I'm in the throes of withdrawals and I hate having to wait until September for a fix.

These themes are nothing new, in fact very old. Noah and his Ark comes to mind. God thought we (or he) fucked up royally and decide to start it all over. Great idea. And the biblical apocalypse ideal was invented before we even had technology! I guess no matter what time period, life has always sucked. Now though, if you are the only one on earth, there would be no wars, pollution would eventually dissipate, chemical production would stop, perfume-saturated people would cease to exist, evil people would be gone, plants would start growing over all the cement. Back to nature. No phones ringing, no computers demanding your attention, no televisions warping your mind, no news programs scaring you senseless. Peace and quiet.

Are you all watching that new show The Last Man on Earth? Well, it's another goofy comedy destined to keep us brain dead for summer. This one is about the aftermath of a virus that wipes out nearly the entire population save one guy. He's not a real smart guy and he's not really very survival oriented either. He spends most of his time trying to find ways to entertain himself: using lamps as bowling pins progressing to bowling with cars, driving through store fronts, and using a swimming pool for a toilet because he's too lazy to haul water. Mindless entertainment and immature destruction. From what I've read, it's getting more viewers than that cognitively-impaired cartoon Family Guy, an indication the middle-American viewers aren't real bright either. BUT it's one of those shows that sparks your imagination and inspires fantasy. What would it be like to be the only person left on Earth?

The opening episode shows this guy driving around the USA in a tour bus collecting whatever he wants: famous paintings, dinosaur skulls, Dorothy's ruby slippers, expensive wine, and the presidential seal. Each town and city he drives through, he uses the speaker system to call out for anyone else who is alive. He also posts notices all over that he is living in Tucson and come find him because he's exceptionally lonely (and desperately horny). Now, if you were the only person left on Earth, with no electricity or running water, would you go to Tucson? Land of 120 degree temperatures? Large snakes and spiders? No air conditioning? Hell no! It would be like living in Hell. See, he's not very smart.

What would you do if you were the last person on Earth? Chemical sensitivity makes one feel isolated, but what would it be like if there were no other people around to poison you?

I'd hit the road. Not necessarily to find other people as I think that could pose a problem in terms of safety. The series Revolution clearly spelled out the dangers one would face if all technology died. Survival is not a pretty sight if others [evil people] are still around. (I learn a lot watching TV!) However, eventually, I'd get curious. If I'm alive, it stands to reason someone else is still alive. I'd go searching just to make sure I'm the only one left. Rather than drive aimlessly looking for people, I'd have a plan. First, I'd find myself a gun, a crowbar, and a U-Haul. Eventually I might trade the U-Haul in for a really snazzy sports car like a Porsche or a four-wheel drive, but for now I need to gather supplies as I travel. I'd stock up on organic bedding and linens, healthy canned foods, gardening supplies, toilet paper, clothes, face masks, camping supplies, tools, more guns, a generator, first aid supplies, and lots of bottled water. I know someone who is a survivalist and she advises to have these things already stocked in your house just in case. Hmmm... I'd ransack Whole Foods. I might snatch a Monet or Rembrandt along the way, but only if it's convenient. I'd fill my U-Haul and head for temperate climates.

California, here I come! I think just north or south of San Francisco would be awesome. Near the ocean. Maybe Carmel. Not too hot not too cold. I'm sure I could find a lovely house with a nice sports car in the garage. Something with a pool. And lots of land with fruit trees and garden space. Or maybe I'd head down to San Diego to find Jason Mraz's avocado farm? That would be good. I could live off of avocados. Heck, maybe he survived? (Since I'm fantasizing I might as well make it good.)


The main character of this show is such a doofus he doesn't seem to have a clue how to survive or the inclination to think beyond one day. In the first episode he's living off packaged junk food and laying in a kiddie pool filled with alcohol while he drinks it from a long straw. The dream of all stupid people. I do understand it's all about the entertainment value, but even with this show the boredom of laziness takes it's toll and he decides to kill himself. It's the most ignorant attempted suicide I've ever seen, but again, it's just for entertainment. The star of the show isn't going to die in the first episode.

It's implied there is no meat since meals are made from "raisin balls" so I assume no animals survived? If they did in my apocalyptic world, I'd have to find some cows and bring them back to my new house in Carmel.  Chickens, sheep and a horse, too. If there aren't any animals, then I'd be living off canned foods until I can get a garden started. California would be good for some year round gardening.

If no animals survived then no dogs did either. That would be my dream. If humans died, but dogs didn't that would be very bad with all those hungry homeless hounds forming packs and looking for food. I'd have to arm myself with several [machine] guns. I'm going to have to ransack Cabelas, the hunter's vortex for all killing supplies.


The most obvious worry for me aside from starving dogs or surviving psychopaths would be you'd never want to need medical attention. Injuries or illnesses, even minor ones, might be life threatening. This is why I think the doofus's plan to drive himself in to a rock was really lame. If he didn't die, he could be in a whole lot of misery. I wonder what happened to all the dead people? This show is a comedy so a lot of the back story is ignored. Dead, rotting, diseased bodies all over? That could be a problem. Stores filled with rotten meat? It could get ugly.

With a generator I could use a washing machine. I wouldn't want to hand wash clothing or bedding. I can't imagine. That would be my worse nightmare. Water quality would be an issue as well as finding and maintaining a supply of quality food. What other negatives would there be?

Since this is my fantasy, I'll avoid thinking about negatives and just concentrate on how wonderful it would be. I'd spend my days gardening, harvesting food, gathering supplies, walking the beach and exploring. No crappy people, no dogs, no computers, no television, no money, no taxes, and lots of free stuff. The world would be my Freecycle. I would love being the last woman on Earth.

What would you do if you were the last person on Earth?