'Tis the Season

The mother of a friend of mine just died a couple months ago. She is beside herself with grief. Another friend lost her mother a couple years ago. They constantly make references to their losses. It's Christmas, the favorite holiday of one of the mothers. My friend is displaying her mother's Christmas decorations which causes her to mourn the holidays. My other friend dwells on the fact that her mother is not here to share it with her. Same with a third friend who's mother died a few years ago. It's a family holiday, after all. It must be hard to have a mother all your life and then to lose her.  My generation is at that age when parents are dying. This is a fact of life. No human is immortal.

I keep wondering about this...I lost my mother a life time ago and never a day goes by when I don't think about her. I wonder which is worse? Not growing up with a mother, a role model, a person who you know loves you unconditionally and their absence leaves a big hole in your life so you feel insecure and scared all the time? Mothers are usually the cornerstone of holiday celebrations. Mine was never there which could be why I have never put so much emphasis on Christmas. Or Easter. Or Thanksgiving. Or Mother's Day. MCS doesn't help, of course, as family gatherings mean stinky people, but even when I did participate in holiday celebrations, the most important person was always missing. But I wonder about this... is it worse to spend your whole life with a mother and then lose her, lose her constant support, lose her steadfast presence?  This is the person who always knows just what to get you for Christmas.

When I was young, death happened and then it was quickly swept under the rug. No one talked about it. It was taboo to share feelings, display emotions, or talk about the deceased. If the subject inappropriately came up in conversation, the dead was placed on a pedestal and honored with fictional perfection. If they aren't real, grief was unwarranted. Grief was shameful and hidden.

It's hard for me to understand all this grief my friends feel and freely express. I wonder if they think I might understand because of my loss. They have no concept I think it's weird and I keep wondering why they can't get over it. They were so lucky to have mothers for every life milestone always there for advice and support. Their mourning feels like bragging and at times their self-centered, inconsiderate constant wallowing makes me feel irate. I don't know why they aren't focusing on celebrating this wonderful relationship they once had.  They were so lucky. It was such a gift. Of course, if they constantly talked about how lucky they were, that would drive me INSANE. I'm just not good with mother talk of any kind. 

I'd like to think empathetic listening is what friends are for which is why I smile, nod, email supportive anecdotes and encouraging suggestions. There is no way I can say anything as these friendships are tenuous at best. I'm expected to be the good friend although rarely do I get support or understanding from any of these women. As I'm writing this I get ANOTHER email from ANOTHER friend whining about her dead mother's Christmas tree. It's constant between November and January. I find during the holidays I appreciate and prefer the company of women who didn't like their mothers.

Yes, I know this makes me sound bizarrely sociopathic. Perhaps sociopathy is a product of childhood grief? I know grief contributes to genetic mutations that cause chemical sensitivity, so I can safely assume it's probably caused some personality disorders. I know they are grieving and, based on my experience, it'll last them a lifetime. It definitely changes the concept of Christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS...anyway.

Well, that was in the holiday spirit, eh? I am trying to write more blog posts as my New Year's Resolution. I'm thinking now maybe I shouldn't. LOL!