The High-Maintenance Chemically Sensitive Control Freak

The thought of dating makes me sick to my stomach. Why would I want the stress and responsibility of training someone to know how to be around me? Controlling every step of the date is not normally attractive to anyone let alone a potential love interest. So why did I agree to go out with this man?

He was the brother of a friend and I had met him twice in the past. I'd even been to his house and sniffed around. How embarrassing is that? He's really clean and non-toxic, friendly and conversational. I had vague memories of how my friend had described him so I remembered him as being interesting. When he emailed to find out if I wanted to go to lunch sometime, I hesitated for a minute, then remembered the last time I saw him when I thought to myself, He's a nice guy. I bet he'd be good company. And then the self-harassment kicked in, Don't forget your New Year's resolution to find new friends! That resolution has created a whole lot of misery so far and is going to be the death of me.

I gave it a second thought. And then another second thought, and then wrote my reply opting for transparency and a whole lot of honesty knowing it might scare him away. I told him I don't do well with dating, but I'd be interested in a friendship. I'm chemically sensitive so public places are difficult which makes the lunch idea a challenge. I suggested alternative activities - the beach, the park, the docks, a cafe I know is nontoxic - trying to convince him of something easy, short, and safe so as not to embarrass myself with, oh, being carried out on a hospital gurney. I explained lunch might be an option if it's a small, informal restaurant with a take-out option, gluten-free meals, and unpopulated: way before or way after the lunch rush hour. I ignored the fact I can't eat non-organic food. I figured for one meal it couldn't hurt too much.

Good god. How many rules can a man actually fit in his brain? I thought for sure he'd respond immediately and say, Oops! Never mind. I think I emailed the wrong person. What was I thinking? I don't know you and I'm convinced I don't want to.

But he didn't. Instead he said, "SURE! Sounds like a date." I got the impression he only read half of my email.

Although I offered some restaurants that I knew from personal experience, he offered other names. I looked them up online to see if they had gluten-free options and stressed again, before the lunch rush hour or after not right at lunch when everyone is competing for air space. He made a reservation at the biggest, fanciest sit-down restaurant in town right at the lunch rush hour. He's not listening. He doesn't get it. The stress and thought of having to educate someone and hope for some sliver of enlightenment already exhausts me.

I panicked until the next day. Suppose I have an anaphylactic reaction? Suppose I get so sick I can't function for a week? Do I really want to embarrass myself on a first date with someone I hardly know? Maybe I can just wait outside and he can go in and get the food? Maybe I should cancel and stop being such an idiot because most people don't want this kind of crazed drama in their lives. Instead I emailed and asked if we could just go for a short, simple walk on the beach and not do lunch.

"Sure!" He's very compliant which is a good thing.

"And I'll meet you in the parking lot on the entrance to town and I will drive."

Hmmm...what is it about men and the need to drive? I panicked again. Suppose his car is new and stinks of offgassed formaldehyde? Supposed he's a serial killer? Suppose he has air fresheners in his car? As a rule I don't ride in strange cars. Granted I live an hour away from him so I couldn't expect him to pick me up so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed he was just wanting to be nice and treat me like a date. A date was not what I agreed to.

I email him and ask about air fresheners.

"Oh, no, never, I'm very organic myself." OK.

I wasn't comfortable with the set up but I got really tired of being so damn controlling. I also know I tend to be a super-empath and that makes me very compliant. I will ignore if I'm having a reaction in order to not embarrass myself or my companion. I will pretend everything will be fine if confronted with a clear risk. I don't want to be a problem. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I want to be a "normal".

I show up at the appointed parking lot and jump into his car. It's fine. No stink. He tells me the beach is rather far. What? The beach is ten minutes west. Oh, he wants to go to a beach fifty miles away. Shit. I comply because I don't want to be the crazed control freak. In hindsight, I should have taken more control over exactly where we would go but I just thought we'd go to the local beach.

We get to the parking lot of the beach and it's packed with people. He tells me we will be hiking. HIKING? What the fuck? I didn't bring hiking boots! I didn't even bring hiking shoes! He said we'll be fine. I'm learning he can't be trusted, but I comply. I don't want to seem controlling or paranoid.

As we are putting on coats and preparing for a HIKE, he comes up beside me and asks if he can use "this" and shoves a tube of sunscreen in my face. Shit.

"NO. Absolutely not." I picture his skin bubbling up in blisters and I resist giving him a lecture on how chemicals, including sunscreens, cause sunburns, not sunshine. At least he asked first! What would I have done if he just put it on and then asked?

The trail is beautiful, however, it's packed with smelly people as is the beach. My throat starts getting dry and scratchy. I start losing my voice. The fresh air helps and it's beautiful. Sunshine on a winter day. So unusual.

We get back to his truck and he asks if I'm hungry. I am. It's two o'clock and past the lunch hour. He suggests one of the restaurants on his list and claims it's often empty at this time.

It's not. There are lots of people. We find a table up in the mezzanine far from everyone. I wonder if the stink will float up and this is not a good idea, but I just don't want to seem like a crazed, paranoid control freak. The waiters are not obviously scented and I don't smell anything but food.

It takes about twenty minutes before I start getting quiet. Prior to this I was babbling non-stop as I tend to do after days without human contact. I'm clearing my throat more than is natural, but I stare across the room chanting, You are fine. Just remain calm.

The waiter approaches and tells us the restaurant is packed and asks if he can bring a family of six to sit right next to us. Ever the compliant one I smile, nod and agree. My date looks at me a little concerned, but I'm smiling so it must be fine!

I couldn't smell anything on this family, but my head starts spinning and the throat clearing intensifies. My lung starts hurting and my spine burns. I stare off into space for another five minutes. He's looking uncomfortable. I've become almost catatonic and it's our first date. He ran out of things to say long ago! (Later he apologized for being quiet and told me I am a good conversationalist. HA!)

"OK," I say, "I have to leave."

"Where is it coming from?"

"I have no idea."

How the HELL would I know? I don't even smell anything toxic! I start feeling uncontrollable irritable, but I remained calm and collected. Just get me outta here. I head outside and breathe fresh air. My lungs start feeling better. He gets the food to-go and we head to the park. Good food! God, I miss restaurant food. My head and neck are killing me.

For the next twenty four hours my head, neck and spine were in pain. I was irritable and impatient. These relatively minor symptoms are from the chemicals in the air: perfumes, lotions, hair products, deodorants. And for the next week I was exhausted forcing me to sleep through most of the day. These are symptoms from the chemicals in the food OR gluten, but they professed my meal to be gluten-free so I don't know for sure.

He emails later and says, "I'm fine with taking food to a park." He still doesn't get it, but I do appreciate his flexibility.

Don't get me wrong. Aside from the stress, paranoia, and subsequent misery, I had a really good time although the dating part was uncomfortable. Although through my account I have described how I was feeling, I was never rude, demanding, or disrespectful at any time. He asked for a second date.

Then the fatal flaw reared it's ugly head, the deal breaker...he's a Trumptard. During the date I asked who he voted for president, but unfortunately I asked him this after I shared my activist proclivities so he already knew where I stood.

He hesitated, looked away, and said, "Hmmm....I vote democrat."

I'm writing it that small because that's how he said it. Who answers in a baby voice? Most Democrats right now would scream, "CLINTON. DON'T EVER CONFUSE ME WITH SOMEONE WHO IS STUPID!" Maybe it was difficult to lie and he thought if it did it quietly it wouldn't count? I ignored the body language and decided I needed to believe his words. For the time being.

Because he remained so incredibly unenlightened even after all my health condition disclosures, instead of asking how I was feeling after the date, he decided to email me some of his writings on his political positions. Either he lied or he's confused to what it means to "vote Democrat". I debated his points to which he replied my views were inconsequential since they are based on emotion rather than facts and statistics as his are. Really? If that isn't a Trumptard defense I don't know what is. I defended my positions by telling him he's erroneously manipulating statistics to fit his agenda and his so-called truths are, in the words of one of his idiot idols, alternative facts. He ended his last email with, "I still like you." I replied, "If you start wearing a MAGA hat, you're on my shit list." I never heard from him again. I think he lied which is a common characteristic of all Republicans. The real truths eventually reveal themselves. Good riddance. This let's me off the hook. I wasn't interested in dating, only friendship, but never with a Trumptard. As tolerant as everyone is supposed to be, I cannot deal with bottom-of-the-barrel ignorance from anyone.

Never again. Dating is too stressful and risky. It's not worth it. Heck, even attempting friendship is a pain in the ass.

This New Year's resolution that harasses me to take risks has proven to be too dangerous. I quit.