Friend for a Day

I'm sticking to my New Year's Resolution of being less reclusive and I'm making a point to connect with people whenever possible. It's not going so well.

I met a woman at an art gallery about a month ago. I was there looking and she had sculptural pieces on display. They were interesting - self-portrait masks made into bizarre mythological creatures using all kinds of weird found objects. We got to talking and she mentioned she used to paint, but she became chemically sensitive and was forced to give it up!

WHOA! Friend alert!

She gave me her card which I promptly lost in the black hole that is my purse. A few weeks later I was out in the garage cleaning up and came across a bouquet of fake silk flowers. Wondering if I could use them for art I remembered the interesting artist with the strange mythological women sculptures, some of them decorated in wax-dipped silk flower petals. I went looking for her business card.

I hesitated for a day or two. Do I really want to subject myself to frustration and rejection if she's not really chemically sensitive? Even those who claim to be chemically sensitive are rarely as severe as I am. Instead of their lungs collapsing they might experience some dizziness. Instead of a migraine, they might have sinus congestion. Instead of brain fog and memory loss, they might feel under the weather. Still, I have a New Year's Resolution to fulfill. Why not take a chance? I might make a new artistic friend.

So I emailed her and suggested we meet for tea or something, talk some art, share our chemical sensitivity experiences. She immediately invited me over to see her house and garden. I discovered right away she has no boundaries.

It was then I realized I already knew OF her. I went to the estate sale of the house she bought. I was told an artist was buying the house and had planned to use the large front room as a gallery.  I was told not more than a month later she had married my ex-mechanic, the guy who asked me out on a date. My instincts told me to steer clear of him, but I couldn't for the life of me understand the reason for my aversion. The person who told me about this match made in heaven knew I turned him down for a date. She snidely commented, "You shouldn't be so picky. See, there is someone for everyone. Maybe someday if you stop being so picky you'll meet someone." She tilted her head in sympathy. I resented her condescending tone. For years I have watched from a distance as the artist's yard transformed into the most spectacular garden with all kinds of crazy gates and sculptural designs, but I kept my distance knowing she was the wife of the undesirable.

I worried about going to the artist lady's house. Does she burn candles? Incense? Does she use scented products? Air fresheners? It's always such a risk and the stress of this anticipated physical and psychological encounter made me think twice, three times and four times before I resolved to follow through on my New Year's Resolution of making new connections and forming friendships. I worried if she was still married to the undesirable and if he would be there, but I kind of doubted it. I figured if she had any brain function whatsoever, she's probably divorced by now. Maybe.

She was friendly, inviting, welcoming, cheerful, talkative, and excessively disclosive. No boundaries. She uncontrollably vomited all her secrets as if she hadn't had human contact for months and needed desperately to confess her sins. All of them. She laughed and moaned about how she married the husband, he drove her insane for two years, she divorced him, and he went on to find another single, older woman living in an old house that needed remodeling only two blocks away. I thought, OH MY GOD! I am so thankful for my spidey senses and my sociopathic radar! I felt rather vindicated.

We shared, laughed, exclaimed. She showed me her house, art, and magnificent garden. I admired her creativity and freespiritness.

Then she did the unthinkable...faster than lightning she grabbed a giant-sized container of Nivea moisturizing lotion, extracted a large scoop, and frosted her hands, arms, face and neck with it. As a young woman I used Nivea religiously. The chemicals in it are so toxic they are addicting. Stink wafted through the room.

"I'm sorry. I can't be around Nivea." I backed away holding my hand over nose and mouth.

Although I could tell through our conversations she didn't quite understand what chemical sensitivity could mean, she graciously apologized. I always feel badly being in someone's private space and expecting them to change their habits for me, but it was either say something or run out of there fast. She washed it off...with bright green scented dishwashing liquid! Clearly clueless. I found out she does have a sensitivity to paint and maybe some hair dye, but that's it.

Although I enjoyed our visit, by the time I left I felt pretty violated. Not just poisoned thoughtlessly with toxic French whore stink, but she kept asking me private questions, pushing when I didn't want to answer, suggested we should form a partnership, and invited herself over to my house...right now. No boundaries. We were best friends immediately. Is it any wonder she married the sociopathic loser with little consideration? I didn't have time nor desire to continue our toxic visit so I suggested I would contact her the next day.

I thought about this all night. I have learned through many years of experience, people who use scented products will NEVER be fragrance-free. They have no idea what that means and no cognitive function to know how to do it. I know this. I emailed her this explaining my situation, and asking her what she thought. Was she capable of being fragrance-free??? Willing to make the effort??? Even if she claims she is, I doubt it.

When confronted, often unenlightened people will  tell you they will eliminate all scented products from their life, or try to be fragrance-free, or agree about the health risks. I think it's some kind of courtesy reflex. Yes, I value our acquaintance and yes, I will try. It never works out that way. They just don't get it or don't want to get it because it's so inconvenient.

Surprisingly she totally agreed with me that people who wear scents won't ever change. She had no desire to stop wearing scented products. I find it really odd someone who suffers from depression, skin rashes, allergies of all kinds, and claims to be chemically sensitive to certain products would purposely wear and breathe chemicals.

Oh well.

We exchanged a few more emails with her telling me she can't give up her scented products because it would be too expensive to go organic and me telling her I haven't used or purchased any Nivea or other moisturizer (hair shampoo, conditioner, spray, make-up, toothpaste, etc.) for over 15 years which saves way more than the stinky stuff she is using. I shared my toxicity and detoxing theories as well as how chemicals damage our health (rashes, depression....). She was intrigued and sounded amazed, but then it ended there. Clearly she's addicted. Only addicts can't see the logic.

What is most disappointing is this woman feels her scented products are more important than friendship. During our visit she lamented how she has no genuine friends. No one for support and no one on whom she can rely. I shared with her my hospital experience where I realized I, too, had no one. If her scented products are more important than a friendship, why would she ever expect people to be loyal and dedicated? Without the stink, I think she would have been a great friend, maybe. But we'll never find out. We both missed an opportunity for friendship and support because of her French whore ignorance and pigheadedness.

I'm keeping my New Year's Resolution. Everyone expects resolutions to be broken as some point, so I wouldn't feel too badly if I gave up. It feels like a dangerous waste of time to try to connect with people, but I trudge onward and keep the faith.

For now.