Redefining Friendship

friend \frend\ n  -s  1 a : one that seeks the society or welfare of another whom he [she] holds in affection, respect, or esteem or whose companionship and personality are pleasurable.

friend (frĕnd) n  -s 1. A person who one knows, likes, and trusts.

My father's definition of friendship: "Everyone is your best friend until they fuck you over." So eloquent. Thanks, dad.

Losing people I thought were my friends was probably the most difficult aspect of being chemically sensitive.  We always think true friendship can survive all kinds of trials and tribulations, through thick and thin, good and bad, ups and downs, in sickness and in health. Maybe I was confusing friendship with marriage?  Actually I've seen some ugly marriages and I always thought friendship was on a higher level.

After about a year of being chemically sensitive, all my friends disappeared.  Some moved away, but most refused to give up their perfumes. Their addiction was far more important than many years of friendship.  In some cases, I was a royal pain. Exposing chemically sensitive people to perfumes makes them feel lousy. When people feel lousy, they tend to have less patience and get bitchy. It was a vicious circle. Irritability being a symptom of chemical sensitivity only made matters worse. But aren't real friendships supposed to survive hell or high water? Why were my friends different? Don't they watch the same sitcoms and movies I do? The ones where friends stick by you no matter what?  It forced me to question the meaning of friendship.

In all cases, I became too difficult, too high maintenance.  I always thought being high maintenance was a joke describing a woman who expects people to cater to her every need while she wears too much make-up, big hair, and god-awful clothes . Oh, and very high heels that made it impossible for her to walk fast.

For someone with MCS, high maintenance means you aren't convenient, easy-going, and spontaneous. Instead, you might even be tired, worried, stressed-out, sick, apprehensive, cautious,  impatient, irritable, and reclusive. If you can't work, you might be poor, too. Or need help. Unfortunately, that makes you un-fun on too many levels or...high maintenance.

The Un-Fun Friend

Even the simplest encounters must be planned in detail. For instance, very recently I was asked to go to a movie. I stood there staring like a deer caught in headlights speed-listing in my head all the problems with this normally mundane suggestion:

Where is the theater?

Does it involve driving long distance?

In a smelly car?

Does the car have air fresheners in it?

Does the car stink in general?

Will my friend mind if I drive?

Does my friend use stinky soap?

Does my friend use smelly laundry detergent?

Does the theater pop smelly, fake popcorn?

Microwave stinky, fake nacho cheese?

Is the theater crowded?

Does my friend want to go at night or on the weekend when it will be crowded?

What will happen if I have to leave because it's too smelly?

Suppose I decide to go and suffer exposure?

Suppose the exposure makes me surprisingly bitchy?

Can I afford to be sick for the next week?

Would it be worth the sacrifice of health?

Will my friend get mad if we have to forfeit the cost of the movie ticket?

Will I need to find something else to do if my friend opts to stay?

Will my friend be angry if he/she ends up at the movie alone?

If I ask these questions will I seem too worried? Too paranoid? Too high maintenance?

Do I really want to ask all these questions?

Isn't it just easier if I say no and let my friend find someone less high maintenance?

This definitely isn't low maintenance! Usually it's easier to say, Hmmm, sorry, I've got plans/I gotta work/I don't like Tom Cruise rather than suffer the risk of someone thinking I'm too weird for company.

Friendships are no longer easy and the stress of even trying is often overwhelming. This has made me very leery of people. I second guess their intentions and their capability of being a friend. It takes a lot of stamina to be a friend to someone with MCS. Knowing this, I keep people at a distance because it is sometimes easier not to have friends than to be disappointed.

Most people don't understand chemically sensitivity which makes it worse. It feels like I am fighting with them all the time trying to get them to understand and that in itself is very exhausting and stressful. They forget and show up at my house with perfume on or ask me to smell them to see if their new shampoo will kill me. It's a catch-22. If I don't constantly remind them to be fragrance-free, they'll forget, but if I do remind them, they're going to get tired of me being so damn high maintenance.

In addition, I get really excited when I meet a new, potential friend but the impending disappointment looms over me like a big, black cloud.  When will they decide I'm too difficult? I walk on egg shells for fear I'll be too much trouble and I expect like everyone else, they will decide I am.  I watch what I say because in my life of isolation I wonder if I've lost my social skills or if I might appear too desperate for companionship. The whole process is a pain in the ass and makes me want to stay home with my rabbit. He rarely gives me grief and likes me just the way I am. He is the perfect friend.

Before I wrote this post I looked up the word friend in the dictionary, because truthfully, I wasn't sure what it meant and I was hoping a definition would give me guidance. This is entry number seven from Webster's Third New International Dictionary:  

friend \'frend\ n -s 7 : a troublesome acquaintance : one causing or likely to cause annoyance.

I was wrong. I've got loads of friends!