The Immaculate Visitation

Dear prospective visitor:

My house is my only sanctuary; my only safe place. Below are the rules for a chemical-free visit. If you have any questions, please ask.

1) No perfume, cologne, aftershaves or essential oils.

2) No smelly lotions, tanning lotions, sunscreens, or baby oils.

3) No smelly shampoo or conditioner or hair products.

4) No smelly deodorant.

5) No mouthwash.

6) No smelly laundry detergent, fabric softener or fabric sheets on your clothes. Clothes may be washed in "green" detergents such as Seventh Generation or Planet, or vinegar or baking soda.

7) No gum.

8) No scented lip gloss or scented make-up.

9) No smelly soap.

10) No leather jackets or dry-cleaned clothing.

11) No cigarette smoke.

12) No dogs or cats.

13) No bug spray.

14) No bathing or showering the morning before the visit unless with straight vinegar and baking soda. If you use smelly soaps or shampoos, wash and rinse with hot water, baking soda and vinegar multiple times until smells are gone.

15) Be prepared to take off your shoes in my house.

THANK YOU!  I look forward to our visit!

The visitors I have had who abide by all these rules never fail to amaze me. I had one friend who was a perfume whore, a cosmetic junkie, had very big hair and fancy clothes used to totally dress down for me for a visit.  As soon as we were within ten feet of each other she'd start apologizing for the way she looked. "Oh my hair is so horrible - it looks like I haven't brushed it for a week! And my skin looks so bad. Do I look sick? Can you smell my arm pits? I'm sooooooo sorry!" This would go on for the whole visit. I felt really badly for her and as much as she apologized, I thanked her. She didn't understand her non-chemical fresh face and flat hair was absolutely beautiful to me and I was incredibly grateful.  What a sacrifice she made to visit me! I try to stress to visitors this is their chance to be natural women for a day, but few buy into my propaganda.

These rules are based on years of learning through bad experiences. I've actually only given this list out to people who I know don't get it and who I don't trust will listen to me. I don't want anyone driving hours for a visit only to be told they stink even if it's their fault. That would make me feel awful. People who are naturally fragrance-free in their daily lives don't make me feel so cautious. However, this list serves as a good reference and a reminder to me not forget anything should anyone ask for more details.

How many visitors do you think one gets with a list like this?