HOLY SHIT, or The Fine Art of Elimination

I write this blog anonymously so I can be honest and not worry about being censored or censoring myself in fear of being censored. I might discuss controversial ideas, scary subjects, or disgusting topics that might cause judgment or concern among friends, acquaintances, or even strangers. I once had a total stranger threaten to call the police because she thought I was in danger. The same stranger thought it would be appropriate to tell me to delete a post because she didn't think it was nice. Although I appreciated her concern, I wanted to scream MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS! THIS IS MY BLOG! WRITE YOUR OWN BLOG!

This post is of the latter category of disgusting topics. Hey, but this is something so natural it is part of our everyday human existence, and it shouldn't be considered disgusting...until it is. How does one go to the "bathroom" when living in the van? I've been asked this a lot, specifically, "Suppose you need to potty in the middle of the night?" I have never in my life not needed to get up in the middle of the night to pee...unfortunately.

There are all kinds of tricks of the toilet in a van. Some people splurge on fancy composting toilets which are expensive and huge. Nice if you have the money and space, but my space is valuable in this tiny "home." In addition, they still need to be eventually emptied and that's the inconvenience.

Many use large five-gallon buckets with or without special seat attachments lined with plastic bags designed for this purpose. With smaller sized buckets, it's often difficult to squat so low especially for us older folks whose knees, hips, and backs do not like the stress. It has been suggested if using buckets and plastic bags to separate the urine from the fecal matter as mixing creates more smell. Also, use metal buckets as plastic just sucks up the smell and holds it regardless of how many times one tries to sanitize the container. And, also, use pine wood chips (the kind one buys for small pets) with the fecal matter, again to eliminate smell. The problem with wood chips is they are most commonly sold in 20lb. bags. I don't have room in a small van for such a large item. Any old plastic bag, for instance, those you might get from a grocery store (for FREE!) are not advised because they leak. This is never good. I have lined a bucket with three different plastic bags and the urine still seeps through to the bucket. Again, these need to be emptied. Urine if separated, can be dumped at a rest stop restroom. Feces in plastic bags goes right in a garbage can. (Eeeww....)

Most people living or traveling in vans or other vehicles try to time it right when near a rest stop, at a restaurant, or in a store so they are able to use the facilities, but that's not always convenient.

In my former van, during my first road trips. I used a small bucket with plastic bags. Never really had a problem, but I was always emptying the bucket as soon as I found a rest stop. It's a lot of work to constantly have to stop and empty.

I started using a bucket and plastic bags with this van and still have one ready for emergencies. A friend suggested I use a coffee can! 

Folger's...newly sterilized.

They aren't metal cans anymore, but plastic with tight fitting lids and a little carry indentation. She informed me, you can do the business in the van or a car (she travels with her car), then carry it into a rest stop bathroom as if no one knows what you have. Maybe. I think anyone living in a vehicle knows exactly what I'd be doing! It's not like I'm planning to make coffee in the toilet stall! I really like Target plastic bags as they are (sometimes) thick, sturdy plastic.

I supplemented this idea with a female urinal that someone on a women's van life group suggested. It looks like a fancy, purple pitcher, shaped just so to fit the lady parts. 

It's a little daunting peeing standing up, but it works especially in the middle of the night. I just chant, "If a man can do this, so can I!" No deep knee bends or squatting necessary! Unfortunately, it doesn't come with a lid so I'm always afraid it'll fall over, and I'll have urine all over the rug. (Eewww!) After I do the business, I then dump it in the coffee can my friend donated, snap the coffee can lid in place. In the morning, I empty and clean both vessels and store them in a plastic bag in a bucket.

This has been so convenient even if I'm in a parking lot, on the side of the road, in a picnic area or anywhere I need to pee and don't want to leave the van. The walls of the van are high enough for privacy or I can cover the windows with my window covers. Very convenient. Inconvenient to constantly have to dump, clean, dry, and store, but it is what it is.

There is a reason they call this area "Oro Valley".

However, I have been caught off guard. A few nights ago, right at dusk I was in a campground parked in the back thinking I had privacy. The side doors of the van were opened to nature with views of the mountains in the background. I needed to pee. OK! I dropped my drawers around my ankles, placed the urinal just so and with my ass facing to the mountains, I started my business. Just then two horseback riders rode by. I didn't know there was a trail right there! I'm sure they got a good look at my naked butt shining like a setting sun!

But...then there is diarrhea. I think everyone in their lifetime has experienced diarrhea so this shouldn't be a surprise topic. Living in a van has caused me to be preoccupied with surviving. I don't exercise as much as I should and I am not sticking to my diet, especially the low histamine diet. Eating too many high histamine foods I have discovered creates a whole lot of gastrointestinal misery.

One morning I am up at the crack of dawn, and I have to go the "Number Two". I thought, No, problem. I can wait twenty minutes to get into town. I prep the van for travel, start driving, and as soon as I'm on the darkened highway in the middle of New Mexico, my colon starts screaming. OMG! What do I do? The pain intensifies. I don't have a choice. Pull to the side of the highway, in the dark, and figure out how to get the deed done without a passing semi-truck lights shining on my business or getting bit by a rattlesnake lurking in the grass. The pain is screaming through my intestines so I threw all caution to the wind, jump out the side door, squat, and do the business. It's fast and furious. I had no idea my body could hold that much shit and it SMELLS to high heaven!  I'm absolutely convinced this is exactly why the term "taking a dump" came to be. As I prepare to drive away, I wonder if I'll run over it. I worry someone else might pull over and encounter it. I wonder if there are any cameras that caught the whole thing on video? Will I be arrested? Good god. Being human is hard!

I don't know what kind of food this is, but it makes a good illustration...

A few days later, again, I wake up and the Number Two is gurgling. Again, I don't think anything of it...until it refused to stay in my body, uncontrollably demanding to be released. OMG! Thankfully the coffee can was right in front of me, but I still didn't have enough time. I spent the morning cleaning liquid shit off everything! (Eewww!) So nasty! I really miss not having a real bathroom.

And you were thinking van life is adventurous!

New Mexico Part II

Smooth with no potholes as far as the eye can see!

I stopped into the first Starbucks I've seen since first crossing the Arizona-New Mexico border. There are very few here! I asked the cashier and she said it's because the population is so low. They might be found in Albuquerque, but not in outlying areas. 

I'm finding this to be true. It's amazing how much bare land there is here. I tend to be attracted to the smaller highways due to less traffic, less semis, and thinking there might be interesting landscape to see. Not really. Miles and miles of flat semi-desert land sometimes with mountains in the distance. Once up in the hills which are considered mountains here, one finds more shrubs and then taller trees and it becomes scenic and beautiful. At least all the roads, highways, and freeways are drivably maintained. 

Yesterday after leaving the Albuquerque food co-op, I headed east and then south to Fort Sumner. Tiny little town. I had hoped some remnant of the fort was there, but only the cemetery now exists. With Billy the Kid's grave! I love Wild West history and as I drive some of these tiny highways, I imagine what it was like to ride a horse and be a cowboy back in the 1800s. It might take hours to drive to Fort Sumner, but it must have taken weeks on a horse!

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There was also a Billy the Kid Museum in the middle of town capitalizing on the tourism brought to the area by the gravesite. I asked the cashier what was in it thinking maybe (probably not) there was anything historic of Billy the Kid's. She said there were all kinds of wonderful things, including cars. CARS? Billy the Kid didn't drive a car! I didn't bother to pay $8 to see a car not driven by Billy the Kid. I know from reading biographies there isn't much on Billy the Kid except one photo and legend.

Next I headed to Roswell on my tourist loop. Main Street is filled with alien stores...and lots of tourists. I stopped into one that wasn't swamped with people just too look and bought a postcard for a pen pal that said "Ask me about my butthole. Alien probed in Roswell." LOL! I couldn't help myself. Too many tourists on the sidewalks and not a whole lot of places to park a giant van so I left.

Next drove to Cloudcroft which is up in the mountains and encountered SNOW on the sides of the highway. Camped in the Lincoln National Park at the James Canyon campground right on Highway 82. Very beautiful and quiet in the mountains. And cold! Did I say cold? Only 25 degrees in the morning! I really need a little mini heater for the van!

Heading back to Arizona where it was 79 degrees during the day and 60 at night. My test-traveling adventure is over just in time for Christmas!

Where should I head next?

Gas Station Fragrance Video Warnings!

 I came across this at a gas station in New Mexico, but I'm pretty sure they are all over. I wonder how many people actually pay attention to the message?

New Mexico!

I was eager to head OUT of Arizona after a month of stressful hell. I'd never been to New Mexico and since it's winter in most states, I knew southern New Mexico was dry and sunny. Everyone warned me regardless of the sunshine, it's much colder than Arizona. I woke up to 21 degrees this morning, but the weird thing I cannot yet grasp is there is no ice and no frost! It's dry cold!

Roads here are spectacular. They maintained them...and they voted for Harris in the last election so Democrats take care of their state. Many of the highways look like national park roads with exceptionally smooth surfaces. This is so different from Arizona with the potholes as big as cars,  patches that make the van shake so bad I wonder if it will fall apart, and the overabundance of Republicans. And in Arizona one is expected to drive 75 mph on these bad roads!

Zippy thinking she went the wrong way.

Definitely not a road Zippy likes to roll.

My first stop was Silver City. Oh, I love this town! It has a killer historic district that feels like a little hippie town with new age shops complete with a food co-op! There are bike shops and lots of bike warning signs, every kind of art, and a college that has a "Lifelong Learning" program of community classes. The surrounding mountains are filled with trees taller than five feet. There are a lot of BLM campgrounds - I stayed at the Continental Divide Trail campground off Highway 90 the first couple nights.

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I ventured north out of Silver City to the Gila Cave Dwellings. Highway 15 is scary with drop offs and no center line, but the scenery was beautiful when my heart wasn't racing and my palms sweaty!

Since I hadn't seen water for nearly two months, hiking up the mountain to the cave dwellings was a treat with the babbling creek running parallel to the path. So beautiful and peaceful. I camped at the McMillan Campground and then the Cherry Creek Campground for two nights. National forest campgrounds like BLM campgrounds are free.

My next tourist site was City of Rocks which is just south of Silver City. I love being a tourist, but I wasn't that impressed with this site. Fun to walk around although I spent too much time watching for rattlesnakes. However, the visitor's center has a SHOWER! I took my first shower in three weeks! That was worth the $5.00 day fee it costs!

Next I headed to Albuquerque. They have the La Montanita Food Co-op filled with all kinds of health and not so healthy foods. I splurged. 

One thing I loved about this co-op is the bathroom sign:

To be continued.....

VAN LIFE!!!

As soon as the psychopathic landlady started poisoning me with scents through the heating system, I panicked. Where can I go to be safe? I slept in my car a few nights, but tiny cars are not comfortable. I needed to survive. How? What can I do?

The stink started on a Monday, stopped on Tuesday, started again on Wednesday and Wednesday night I thought I should check Marketplace for safe space options. OMG! My dream van was staring right at me! Ford Transit Passenger Van with most of the seats removed and a BED in the back!! It was BLUE, not white as too often they are! I have been looking for a van since selling my old van in January unable to find anything in Washington. Here we are in Tucson where vehicles are not so often moldy, but I did not get too excited knowing how problematic used vans are for me. I wondered Would it work? Does it have air fresheners? Is it still available? Does it stink? Is it moldy? I contacted the seller who was very nice. He said someone had offered him lower than his asking price and plans to see and possibly buy it Saturday. He said if I want to pay the full price and can come soon...I made an appointment to see it the next day.

He was not home, but his adorable wife was with her two small children. She kept saying, "My kids are so taken with you and they are NEVER friendly with strangers!" I felt like I had known her for a lifetime. So comfortable. I asked about air fresheners in the van and she looked confused. Absolutely not! The van belonged to her mother-in-law who was a chiropractor and adamantly opposed to perfumes or scents of any kind! I sighed with relief then cheered enthusiastically. OMG! Perfect!

Meet Big Blue! Brand New!

I test drove it. Then asked if I could have it inspected, but it would involve driving the van back to the city. She said, "Sure! Take it all day! We were going to have that done next week." I took it to the Ford Dealership who did it for free which saved the owners money. Ford said it's in great shape. I bought it that Friday!! Easiest purchase I've ever made. How long did it take to find a van? If it's meant to be...!

I slowly started moving into it, not quite sure what I would need or what I was doing. I did an overnight test at a BLM campground outside of Tucson to see how it would work, if it would work, if I'd have any reaction. It was glorious. I started sleeping in it every night in different free or cheap camping sites in the greater Tucson area: Mt. Lemmon, Colossal Cave Mountain Park, Redington Pass, Tucson BLM, Patagonia BLM.

Mt. Lemmon

By the time I moved completely out of the apartment, I was ready for full time van living.

Well, not really! It was a steep, steep learning curve and although I have researched van living for at least two years, I felt so unprepared! The van didn't come with a manual and they are hard to find, so I don't even know how to work everything on the dash! It's disorganized, dirty, and dusty. It's a lot of driving. Parking this massive blue whale in the city is nearly impossible. OMG! How do I cook? How do I store food? How do I work? How do I shower? How do I pee?

I started slowly buying supplies I might need, careful not to go crazy buying the wrong things so it's been a slow process. I was warned wasting a lot of money is a weakness of all new van lifers. My priority was power so I could cook and work. I bought a Bluetti and took weeks to figure it out. (Bluetti sucks when it comes to instruction or support!) It can be charged with solar power, an AC outlet, or through the car cigarette lighter which is slower. Then I bought a rice cooker. Did you know you can cook a ham in a rice cooker? That was a tip I received from a truck-driving woman at a truck stop laundry.

BLM Tucson

Internet was a little more difficult. I started working at the local library and at various Starbucks. This also afforded me the luxury of charging up the laptop and my phone. Learning to type on a laptop was a learning curve all by itself, but I did it. Soon I plan to buy satellite internet with a roaming feature, but they are expensive so I'm researching it.

Lowell, AZ

I have yet to take a shower...it's been three weeks! But I do sponge baths every now and then, wash my feet all the time, and wash my hair in a cold bucket of water every couple of days. It's still a challenge, but I'm learning.

There are plenty of negatives which I dwelt on at first as I swam aimlessly in all this unimaginable stress. I'm finally starting to see the positives: NO CRAZY LANDLORDS!!!, no rent, no utilities, freedom to travel, when I moved out of the apartment what couldn't fit in my little car I moved with the van, I can transport my bike in it, and I'm meeting other van lifers in campgrounds all over!

Full Moon in the Morning

I stayed in Tucson for a few weeks to finish some work, then I headed out on the road. I was so happy to get away from Tucson and charging up the power supply through the van is much more user-friendly.

Can you believe this? I can't! I am living in a van! I look forward to spring and warmer weather when I can venture out and north. For now I'll stay where it's warmer and drier! Currently I'm in New Mexico!

And I'm safe. No matter what the future brings, I have a new safe space.

At the Continental Divide

Tucson, AZ

Tucson has been at the top of my list for residential locations for a long time. After a month and a half, here is my summary:

BAD STUFF:

Psychopaths. I realize the psychopathic landlady destroyed my perspective, so I'll put her at the top. I am hoping the memory will fade and my love for Tucson will return, but for now, being in the city makes me sick to my stomach.

Traffic. Lots of vehicles and lots of bad drivers. Tucson has a bad reputation for weird signage making it difficult to find locations. It's non-stop stress to be cautious and not get in a wreck. As someone who came from a tiny town with no traffic, this has been a challenging adjustment.

Roads. The Republicans don't like to spend money on anything so they don't maintain roads. The potholes are as big as cars, the shoddy patchwork makes driving dangerous, and they still expect people to drive 75 mph on the freeway!

Zippy contemplating whether driving over this is a good idea.

This is a Republican road...

Republicans. Too many of them here not wanting the government to do anything but expecting the government to control everything? How exactly does that work? How did Dump win? It shocks me. 

Expensive Restaurants. Anytime I go out to eat it's $20 to $30 for a meal! Now I accept the fact I rarely ate in restaurants where I used to live so twenty years is a long time for prices to increase, but it never ceases to amaze me how much money one can spend eating out.

Internet. The internet service options suck.

GOOD STUFF:

Biking. Bike trails, routes and paths ALL OVER THE CITY! Most streets are designated bike paths and intersections have stop lights for cyclists. There is the 50-mile loop all the way around the city. It is a biker's dream. Lots of clubs and bicycle enthusiasts.

Art. Lots of art clubs to join. The great weather supports plein air painting. Lots of museums and galleries.

MCS. There is a large group for chemically sensitive people called HEAL. They have a newsletter and host potlucks. When I attended my first potluck I felt like crying the whole time. People just like me gathering in a social context. We could group and didn't have to worry about being poisoned!

Health. A lot of people profess miraculous cures being in this dry, warm climate especially regarding arthritis or mold toxicity. I have a lot of hope.

Radio. They have a great pop radio station.

People. Most people are really nice, exceptionally nice.

Health-oriented Stores. Lots of Whole Foods, Natural Grocers, and Sprouts along with health food stores and a food co-op! The food seems to be a little more expensive than where I'm from.

Gluten-free Options in Restaurants. I've never seen so much gluten-free food. It seems every restaurant has something to offer!

The Psychopath

I arrived in Tucson on November 1st ready to take possession of the little apartment owned by the pathological lying bully of a landlady, now referred to as "The Psychopath" or abbreviated, "Psycho". My plan was to lay low, be quiet, avoid contact, and not incur her wrath for any reason. During the lease negotiations, everything I said or questioned she perceived as a personal attack so my plan was to be invisible. I kept her abreast of my progress: arrival in Tucson, unloading of storage, then approximate arrival at the apartment. She wasn't there. My greatest fear is she just wouldn't hand over the keys and I would be homeless. I texted and waited.

Twenty minutes later as we sat in 100-degree weather, she arrived, no apology, but clearly unmoored by seeing my friend with me. She talked incessantly and at length repeating the same stories I had already heard, giving me detailed instructions on what I could and couldn't do in the apartment, how to clean things, what cleaning products to use. I just kept thinking, give her time to adjust to a new person and she will be fine. This compulsive control over every detail was odd to say the least, but my friend assured me elderly people are just like that.

My first panic was realizing the mattress was scented! The apartment was partially furnished. I requested some things to be removed: the small table too small for a desktop computer, the towels and kitchen supplies. With only 194 square feet, every object was restrictive. Psycho was not having it. I told her I didn't want to feel like a temporary guest, but rather, wanted to feel like I was home and if I would be signing a one-year lease this was important. (The ad for the apartment offered a month-to-month, but I think she took one look at my credit score and said only a one-year lease was available.) After much deliberation, she did remove more than I expected. I wanted the mattress so I wouldn't have to buy another and upon initial inspection, there was no stink. I decided to take the plastic mattress covers I used to pack items and wrap the mattress in plastic. I would feel like a toddler sleeping on crunchy plastic, but I could do this for a year.

I made the mistake of sending her the Inspection Report that was attached to the lease, listing every issue with the apartment anticipating she would blame me for every problem once my lease was up because that is exactly what a dishonest piece of garbage would do. The appliances, windows, and floors were filthy. There was long black hair all over the bathroom. Damage to the walls and the paint job was horrifying with three different types of paint, four different colors of white alone, and paint splatters all over her precious floor. (Calling out the bad paint job was important as she kept harassing me about painting, convinced I would paint behind her back, AND she left a can of paint under the sink! That felt like a set up.) I attached it to a very friendly email. She said I was exaggerating and lying. She claimed she had photos she took before I moved in. I didn't respond as I was trying to be invisible. I didn't tell her I took over 150 date-stamped photos as my proof. I tried to ignore all the dog shit she never cleans up on the courtyard. The dog's new toilet was right in front of the gate where I have to walk to get off the property. I took daily photos of date-stamped dog shit.

Psycho never did relax. For the next three weeks she watched me (security cameras all over), sometimes showing up at my door when I returned. I wondered if she had cameras in the apartment, but I never found any evidence. Complaining, demanding, warning, and texting constantly. I tiptoed around the apartment afraid to touch silverware that would clatter too loudly. She told me how I was to clean the apartment and what products I was allowed to use.

Then the harassment began. She decided I need to pay for renters' insurance. I needed to buy new rugs for the apartment since she claimed I hated her rugs. (I did NOT say I hated her rugs, but that I had a rug that matched the color of the walls.) She wouldn't let me handwash nor hang clothes in the courtyard and demanded I go to a laundromat. After I stopped, she accused me of continuing to wash clothes and dump the water in the courtyard where her dog was getting muddy. She constantly threatened me if I didn't remember to close the gate and lock it. Two weeks into the month and she demanded an inspection giving me 48 hours-notice. She never showed. Around this time, she decided I was using too much internet data, and I needed to start paying for internet service. I tried keeping my head down, not to incite her anger and her unhinged temper tantrums. I was honestly afraid if I defended myself or voiced my opinion, she'd accuse me of elderly abuse. I was so stressed I was constantly shaking, unable to eat, and did everything possible to not be in the apartment. I made an appointment with a lawyer.

Then Psycho did the unthinkable...Monday morning something strongly scented started wafting through the heating system. Now, Psycho likes it hot. She would jack up that heat to 85 degrees. I didn't mind. She told me early on if it gets too hot to close the vents and open the windows. I really don't mind hot. I moved to get out of cold. I wondered if this stink was scented laundry detergent, but it smelled too strong like air fresheners. Not only did I close the vents, seal them with plastic, open the windows, point fans out the windows, bought and turned on an air purifier, and wore a mask while in the apartment. The stink smelled like the bed. I carefully sent her an email letting her know I was deathly allergic to scented products and asking for her help with this. She told me she didn't know what I was talking about. I started sleeping in my car, but away from the apartment as I was afraid if she caught me, she'd have more to yell about.

After I told the lawyer of my rental situation, she said the landlady sounds mentally ill. She suggested I contact Arizona Disability Services for guidance on discrimination and try to get out of the lease as neither of us is happy about our agreement. She also advised me not to worry about elderly abuse accusations and feel free to defend myself and respond to her accusations. Psycho seemed to settle down when I used the words "disability" and "discrimination". I sent her a certified letter Request of Accommodation which she ignored. She said she would let me out of my lease if I moved out by the end of the month (one week). I told her I'd think about it. Where would I go? I was still thinking there was hope if she would cease the scented products and desist with the harassment.

Then she got really nice. I have a feeling she might have consulted a lawyer. She said we could work it out, she would have the vents cleaned, and I would have to buy a new mattress for myself. She continued to insulted me several times, telling me I don't know what I'm talking about (more gaslighting), saying I was one of the worst tenants she ever had, and complained repeatedly vent cleaning would cost $2,000 (which I think was another lie according to friend of mine who said it never costs that much). She couldn't tell me how they would clean the vents and I worried it would make the situation worse if they used chemicals. She continued to text me all the time, demanding to know when I was going to buy the new mattress, when I would need to let the vent cleaners in, and informing me if I wanted to terminate the lease I could but she didn't care either way (another lie).

I couldn't imagine spending a whole year with Psycho's harassment as clearly it was not going to stop. I opted to terminate the lease. She said we didn't need a formal document (another lie). I requested the termination through email and she approved through email. November 30th at 6:00pm would be my deadline. I had everything moved out and the apartment cleaned by November 26th (making sure she couldn't accuse me of abandonment). At that last load in my little car, I was breathing a sigh of relief (pun intended), but knowing it's not over. I requested my security deposit and last month's rent returned giving her a UPS mailbox address for my forwarding address. 

On November 30th, she texts me one last time to tell me she can't be there at 6:00pm to get the keys and I should lock the apartment and gate, and throw them over the wall. I found this to be outrageously stupid. Suppose they end up in a garden lost? Who is she going to blame? She threatened if I don't give her back keys, she will hire a locksmith, and deduct it from my security deposit. I text back and told her the keys are on the counter and the doors and gates are locked. (I didn't tell her they had been on the counter all week.)

Good news, surprising news - she refunded both my security deposit and last month's rent which surprised the hell out of me! I'm guessing she's afraid I'll sue her for lack of accommodation and discrimination. Bad news is that means she's still alive. If the apple head voodoo doll I made of her would have worked, she should be dead by now...just saying. This is a perfect likeness: