Almond Butter...Yum Yum

I've been into almond butter for the last six months. I won't call it a craving, but it's satisfying beyond belief. As you might recall from my post on glycemic index and inflammation, almond butter is low in sugar and very high in natural anti-inflammatories. I feel good about eating it.

Since I have been diagnosed with Hashimoto's, there is always the risk of blood sugar imbalances so every doctor I've seen suggests eating protein right before bedtime. It helps you sleep because it stabilizes your blood sugar. Almond butter is at the top of the list as an excellent source of protein and its healthy fat content makes you feel satisfied so you need very little to do the trick.

I buy it in bulk.  It comes in a huge container and at my co-op I have arrived at the perfect time when the old container is almost gone so they bring out a new container full of the smooth, good-smelling, fresh nut butter. It's heavenly. The employees let me keep the old container which is handy for weeds or storage or whatever.

One of the freebie buckets.

So, nearly every week for the last six months I have been buying anywhere from a pint to a quart of this wonderfully yummy nut butter. That's a HELL of a lot of almond butter! I'm sure it contributes to my lack of weight loss, but I don't care. Yum. Yum. It's also very expensive.

Last Saturday I bought another 16 oz. of almond butter ($7.82 worth). I opened the lid and it's filled to the brim with fresh, yummyful, creaminess. Mmmm. I scoop out a spoonful right before bedtime, feeling lucky that this indulgence is even doctor-approved. I'm looking at the spoonful of creaminess ready to put it in my mouth and...there is something in the almond butter. Not just in, but sticking straight up OUT of the nut butter.

I look closer.  What the hell? It's black, about almost an inch long, very thin with a hook shape at the top. At first I think it's metal, or a wire. I get some tweezers and look at it closer. It breaks so it's not metal. Even if it is metal it shouldn't be in my spoonful of almond butter, but more importantly, my brain kicks into gear and I'm properly grossed out. I almost put that in my mouth!

Unfortunately I didn't take a picture, but I can draw a picture:

Actual Size

Which kinda looks like this:

Which is part of this:

Actual size of that part's owner, too, I think.

I do feel really fortunate it was sticking out of the almond butter and not hidden under the spoonful. This time. Eeewww. Saying I was incredibly grossed out and wanted to drink bleach to sterilize anything else I might have unknowingly swallowed in the last six months is an understatement.

I don't know why I'm bothered. A factory or building where nut butters are made has got to be crawling with all kinds of vermin attracted to the heavenly creaminess just as much as I am. A DJ on a local radio station last year was talking about the number of spiders humans inadvertently eat in their lifetime usually in their sleep. That little piece of unnecessary information has been seared onto my brain. I wish I could un-hear that. I know I've blogged about chocolate manufacturing and how one must expect to eat vermin anatomy that is cooked right in to the recipe. But still...

And maybe I am wrong. Maybe it was a piece of an almond shell (they aren't black). Maybe it was a tiny little twig (they aren't black). Maybe it was totally something else. Maybe.

I won't ever again buy almond butter. Not in my lifetime!

Pest Control

My neighbor is afraid of bugs so he has a professional pest control company spray his house down once a week. Can you imagine?  He seems to think over-spraying works, but his rationale makes no sense if he needs to spray constantly because the bugs keep coming back. I told him they were reproducing and creating giant, resistant mutants that can't be killed. Unfortunately, that makes him want to spray twice as often. I'm sure I gave him nightmares. Next time I'll tell him the chemicals will make his boy parts fall off....

I once lived in a basement apartment with giant spiders. The landlord seemed to have a bug fetish and wouldn't help, but what could he do that wouldn't kill me, too? Between August and October when the weather would change and spidey mating season would start, I'd see around 30 skittering over the floor in the course of the season. They were fast, ugly and BIG! About the size of my palm. I lived in fear and fear can be very motivating. The thing about bugs, they've been around forever so the trick is to find repellents that have been used since the beginning of time, back Before Chemicals (B.C.).

Actual Size

I read spiders don't like scent. Smart critters. Any scent. When I found this out I developed a new-found admiration for the creepy crawlies. The year I tried peppermint oil I saw only two spiders. It was nice - smelled like candy canes. My tolerance for essential oils has decreased since then and now I have to be careful with them as well, but I can spray  outside and under the house with no problem. Now I see maybe two spiders a year and they are of the small-ish variety.

Another miracle pest repellent is cayenne pepper. In the same apartment I had an ant infestation. They made an ant hill out in the garden and decided they liked my patio. The landlord loved ants, too. He was so incredibly useless.  So I started experimenting with various historical insect control methods. Finally I laid a line of cayenne pepper around my patio and they disappeared. Not much messes with cayenne.

I currently live near a river and when I first moved here everyone told me I'd eventually have rodents at some point. Feeling charitable toward wildlife,  I bought a bird feeder and started feeding the birds. What a mistake! The ratties were grateful and stored up a winter supply of bird feed. That winter I could hear them gnawing at my walls. It echoed through the house at night. Good lord, I felt helpless! I was so grateful they never got in the house, but they always sounded like they were within a half inch from breaking through. <shiver> Someone scared me to death and said they can nibble on the electrical wires and burn down a house.  I also read a rat shit is a theory for the cause of breast cancer. Jeez. I tried traps, but I'd find them triggered with the food gone. Poisons killed them off, but their dead bodies stunk up the house for three weeks  and a new tribe would move in the next week and continue the gnawing. Besides I'm opposed to poisons and with Peter running free I fear he'll somehow get into it and die a horrible death. If there is any way possible, I prefer to keep pests away rather than kill them. Even rats. So I started putting cayenne pepper around and under the house with the peppermint oil.  No more ratties! I go to Winco or Costco and buy it in bulk.

Actual Size

I lived in Arizona a few years back. It was the first time I'd ever seen a cockroach.  I swear it was the size of a cat. And friendly! It came skittering toward me one day, and stopped. I think it was waiting for me to feed it. When they skitter at night it sounds like they are tap dancing. Normally I would have been impressed. I tried everything to get rid of them. Yes, them...he brought the rest of his family. Finally I read boric acid does the trick, but you have to dust it lightly in corners because cockroaches are smart. And clean. They prim and wash themselves like cats. So when they walk in the boric acid dust, it gets on their little legs, they lick and die. Also, check to see where they are coming in: around sink drains, under counters and plug up any holes you find.  A construction trick down in Arizona is to put boric acid under the foundation. It'll kill anything including termites. The problem is you can't use it freely if you have pets or children. It'll kill them, too.

Garden pests are discouraged with things like soap (Planet Ultra Dishwashing Liquid, the All-Purpose Miracle Soap!), onion/garlic tea and cayenne pepper. I am very careful with these home remedies in the garden because I don't want it to chase the good bugs away so I don't do too much.  Companion planting keeps the plants strong so they can resist invaders on their own and there are some plants that deter bugs so I grow them around plants that need extra protection.  

Slugs...Why did the universe make slugs? I don't see their purpose in the grand scheme of things. I've tried salt, beer, copper, garlic, tomato leaves, pine needles, killing them by hand with a sharp instrument, drowning them in water, and talking sweetly to the snakes and black beetles so they stay in my yard and eat them. I almost got some ducks then decided the ducks would cause more damage than the slugs. It was a full-time job. Finally someone told me about Sluggo which is iron phosphate and supposedly certified organic. It works quite well.

For aphids, if there aren't enough ladybugs or ants helping out, I've used Planet Ultra Dishwashing Liquid, the All-Purpose Miracle Soap. Most bugs don't like soap as it suffocates them and Planet is scent-free so it's not going to suffocate me. Also, aphids don't like chives so grow chives around your rose bushes.

I have a rabbit and I've read wild rabbits that will move into your yard and destroy your grass and plants won't go near cayenne pepper. I thought I'd try it so if I wanted to keep Peter out of a particular garden, this might work. Fifteen minutes after I applied it, I found bunny boy sitting in it. Maybe Peter is just a goof ball? His eyes did get watery, but it doesn't seem to faze him. Maybe it gives him a thrill? Rabbit masturbation?

I used to love cats, then I moved where over-breeding is an epidemic. Many of the neighbors have cats that breed incessantly, and the litters from the previous season all have their own kittens. One house nearby has a minimum of eighteen new kittens every spring and they do nothing to control it.

You know cats don't crap in their own yards - they go to the neighbors'. I have vegetable gardens and nothing disgusts me more than the thought of eating food grown in parasite-contaminated cat shit. Pregnant women are advised not to garden unless they want to give birth to brain-dead babies because of these parasites. And then there is the smell and mess. UGH! Be sure to always wear gloves while gardening. I sometimes catch cats sleeping in my bunny's sleeping places which is incredibly irritating since the rabbit can't find many other rest places. Damn free-loading cats giving my bunny fleas and worms!

Cat from Hell

I've tried nearly everything: cayenne, lemon peel, boric acid, peppermint oil.  Two of my neighbors trap cats and "take them away"; another traps and then douses them with cold water. The other neighbor shoots them. Her rule is if they are walking through the yard she uses a bb gun; if they are crapping, a shot gun. I really don't understand cat owners who allow their cats to roam. Besides the cats that spread disease to wildlife (and pet bunnies), they are also subjected to wildlife diseases. Not caring for your cat properly is so irresponsible, but people don't care. It's disgusting. Again, I prefer to keep the pests away than kill them. The only remedy I've found that works for cats is chicken wire and deer netting, but that gives my yard a certain concentration camp look that I don't enjoy. Oh, well.

Anti-Cat Concentration Camp Decor

For people pests, see my post titled, "Home Invasions".

Anyone have any other chemical-free tricks?

Chocolate is Evil

Right around any holiday the chocolate companies start advertising the health benefits of chocolate. For anyone who is addicted this well-planned propaganda seems heaven-sent giving us just one more rational justification for caving to the craving. I've heard chocolate decreases heart disease, improves mood, raises energy, reduces blood pressure, can provide relief from asthma by relaxing bronchial muscles and, last but not least, has an ingredient (phenethylamine) that mimics the feeling of falling in love. Who wouldn't want to feel like they are falling in love? Who needs a high-maintenance man for Valentine's Day when we can have chocolate? I'm sold! As I'm pulling my hair and screaming, "GIVE ME CHOCOLATE," in the back of my rational mind I ask, "Who paid for this so-called research? Mars? Hershey? Nestlé?" $ Cha-ching $ Cha-ching $

What they don't tell you is chocolate may cause headaches, migraines, fatigue, nervous system overstimulation, depression, mood swings, irritability, hyperactivity, feelings of rage, weight gain, premenstrual insanity, autoimmune attacks, heart palpitations, insomnia, heartburn, allergic reactions, acid reflux, sex drive reduction, diabetes, and cancer. It makes you feel in love, but reduces your sex drive? It improves mood, but makes you depressed...at the same time? Am I the only one who sees the contradiction?

I knew someone who was diagnosed with Lyme Disease, suffering greatly with episodes of fatigue and general misery. I kept telling him, "Give up the fancy chocolate, damn it!" AS A TEST He refused citing his entitlement to just one low-cost luxury. The addiction had him by the balls. After two years of treatments and thousands of dollars in medical bills, his liver failed due to all the antibiotics. Unable to function, he was forced to convalesce on the couch and eat very little which involved giving up his gourmet chocolate. His health improved miraculously.  Soon after recovery, he attempted to go back to eating chocolate - all his symptoms and suffering returned. It wasn't Lyme Disease, it was chocolate! Chocolate is evil.

Another friend had bouts of severe depression with thoughts of suicide. After losing her insurance benefits which paid for her very expensive anti-depressants, she desperately asked my advice. Too young to die, she thought, she was willing to give up chocolate and coffee AS A TEST. She made it clear it was only a test. The depression lifted. After a few weeks, the mocha lattes called to her - LOUDLY. She couldn't resist. Within the hour she was ranting, crying, and screaming at her boyfriend for absolute no rational reason. Chocolate is evil.

I'm fairly certain my ten-year old neighbor who suffered from migraines was reacting to chocolate. His mother said the pain was so bad he would hold his head and whimper because crying made it worse. Doctors had no idea why which always sends up red flags for me. As I stood staring at the enormous, half-eaten dark chocolate cake on the counter, I told her my theory and suggested eliminating chocolate from his diet. AS A TEST. She laughed like a maniac and said dripping with addiction, "Oh, he's not going to give up chocolate! He loves it too much!" Who is the parent here? If your child was suffering so greatly wouldn't you try anything? I had a bad feeling about this, but hey, I hardly knew the woman and I wasn't his parent. I couldn't accuse her of child abuse, although I was tempted. Chocolate is evil.

Notice in every story I'm emphasizing AS A TEST. Suggesting anyone to give up chocolate is dangerous. They become hostile.  I usually find myself repeating over and over AS A TEST, JUST A TEST, ONLY A SHORT TEST. Slowly back away.

What I was surprised to find out is chocolate is a cross-reactor to gluten, in other words, it acts like gluten in your system. If you suffer from any kind of gluten sensitivity, celiac disease or autoimmune disease, chocolate will incite an attack and contribute to any of the above mentioned miseries. It is said most people are gluten sensitive in some way.

If health issues aren't convincing enough, I remember years ago some study that came out about the percentage of rat feces and cockroach anatomy found in chocolate bars due to the vermin dancing on top of the wonderful smelling vats and, oops!, falling in. Eeeww! And of course, if it's not "fair trade" then do remember those little cocoa beans were harvested by un-fairly treated children and slaves. Oh yeah! It kills pets, too. That's got to be a clue.

Face it, chocolate is evil. Personified, it would be the devil of food stuffs. It tempts and entices. Few can resist. If you do manage to fight the craving, it calls to you like any drug addiction because IT IS a drug and has been used as such since the beginning of time. The capitalistic money-making machine saw fit to making it into a dessert. Addictions sell.

Kicking the habit is torture. Even knowing all these horrible things, the smell of chocolate can still make me swoon and forget about the rat shit. If you do see the light and are so inclined to give it up AS A TEST, it takes time.  Be patient and strong.  For me it was three weeks of pure hell. After that you will fight the urge for the rest of your life. It never stops calling to you, sweetly and seductively. Your willpower will come from feeling better without it.

I change my mind - maybe a man is less high-maintenance than a chocolate addiction?

Happy Valentine's Day!

Do you eat chocolate? Suffer from any of the above symptoms? Are you willing to give up? Why not?