The Princess

STINK INVADERS

 

Every summer the princesses are out walking the streets selling themselves. Fair princesses. (See above, second from the left with the tiara and nervous smile.) They sell a button or a pass or something to get you into the fair. The princess who sells the most gets to be queen. My first year here the queen lived across the street from me which was quite exciting. The next year I had one walk right up to my backdoor. This was before I had "NO TRESPASSING" signs on the gate so they had easier access. I did, however, have a "FRAGRANCE FREE" warning on my porch so when I saw the Princess at the door, backing away carefully with her eyes on the sign, I opened the door and said, "Hello." She jumped like I was barking at her, looked like she was about to cry, and apologized profusely, "I'm so sorry! I'm wearing perfume!"

 

I thought it was so sweet she was at least taking my sign seriously.

 

This year I was out in the garage when the Princess arrived, so she didn't see the sign, but I was ready. She gave her best royal smile and sales pitch on the benefits of buying a button and supporting her candidacy. I could have asked her what her vision was for world peace or how she was going to make a difference with her life, if she had any notable talents or did well in school, but instead I asked the question, the only question that really matters:

 

 

"Do you wear perfume?"

 

 



"Yes, I do."

Wrong answer.

"Perfume is very toxic and poisonous."

Her royal smile quivered slightly.

"I'm sorry, I can't support you. Good luck."

She copped a really nasty attitude, turned to leave, and sarcastically yelled, "Bye." If she had been wearing a crown, it would have fallen off her head. If she wasn't such a rude little girl, I would have felt badly.

I wonder if I made an impact? The next time she sprays on the stink, will she think about me? Will she wonder what I was talking about? Will she make an effort to find out what I meant? Or will she give herself an extra squirt to spite me?

I do hope a princess shows up who isn't smelly....

Home Invasions

If you are anything like me, my home is my sanctuary and safe place. I've worked hard to make it a scent-free environment and I'm comforted by its own homey, familiar smells. 

Any foreign stink invader is usually readily identified as an intruder and cause for high alert.  Other than online shopping deliveries with perfume samples, here are other common home invasions I've experienced:

Visitors  Naturally, anyone wearing scented products is a problem. Friends, relatives, neighbors, salespeople, politicians, fair princesses, religious fanatics and trick-or-treaters. I have a sign on my porch that reads, "Fragrance-Free Zone. Poisons Not Allowed." Does anyone read it? NO. So I added another sign on my door window that went into great detail what fragrance-free means if they manage to by-pass the porch sign. Still, I'd get people knocking on the door.  I'd answer the door and they would move to the bottom of the porch steps, apologizing profusely but still managing to try to sell me whatever they felt I needed to buy.

Enemy Combatants

Finally, I put a sign on my gate that read, "NO TRESPASSING. KEEP OUT." Does that stop anyone? NO. Mormon boys march right through as if on a mission. Finally, I just locked the gate. Does that stop them? NO. I watched my neighbor slither her skinny little fingers through the fence posts trying to trigger the latch. In frustration I ran out there and yelled, "CAN'T ANYONE IN THIS TOWN READ?" Now when visitors can't figure out how to trigger the latch they knock on my kitchen window. There is no stopping them.  It's like a war zone.

Defensive Measures

Construction Workers, Repair People, Utility Workers, etc.  It's difficult when you need someone to come to your home to fix something. I always warn the person with whom I make the appointment that whoever shows up better not be wearing any kind of scented products or they won't be allowed on the property. This usually works. Sometimes it doesn't and they are asked to leave. Fragrance-free is a requirement if they want my money!

Construction Supplies  Paints, caulking, sealers, paint thinners, plywood, etc.  . If you can determine in advance what might stink and if there are green alternatives, this may help. If not, seal off the area, open a window, put the air purifier on high.

Call the bomb squad!

Gifts Friends used to mail me gifts saturated with their own perfume. I had one friend with whom I exchanged Christmas and birthday gifts for twenty-five years. As hard as I try, I could not get it through her head the reason her smelly gifts would end up out in the garage or in the garbage. She ended up refusing to talk to me, whining, "You don't like my perfume."



Magazine Subscriptions  Sorry! No more Vogue, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, O Magazine. Fashion magazines and most women's journals are OUT. I can't stand the perfume samples in them. Sometimes there are air freshener samples, too.  I miss them. Curling up with a fashion magazine was great entertainment. Even those in the library never offgas enough to be usable.



Library Materials This is a sneaky one. Perfumed people wipe their stinky, sweaty hands all over the books they read and then you check them out. Or the librarians putting lotion all over their hands and wiping it all over the books and videos. I might not notice the stink until it's in my car or at the very latest until I sit down on my couch with the book. It's then sealed it in a plastic bag and returned.



New Clothes If you shop department stores, new clothes will almost always have perfume on them from other shoppers or salespeople touching them and/or the fabric treatments used in manufacturing for fire retardation and mold inhibition. Straight from the shopping bag and into the washer!



Photocopies  Someone once sent me photocopies of documents bathed in perfume. Their temporary office girl did the copying. Didn't see that coming.

Neighbor Stink  If you are lucky enough to own property, there might be enough space between you and your neighbor to avoid toxic exposures. Unfortunately, my neighbors are too close and too stupid to be safe. During the spring and summer I watch all of them strap on those sprayer packs and spray down their lawns, walkways, and driveways with herbicides. We live right next to a river. I even wrote a brochure called "Save the Bees" on the ramifications of using toxic lawn chemicals and mailed it to everyone on my block. No one cared. Their lack of insight is jaw-dropping. Then there is laundry detergent, fabric sheets or dryer exhaust polluting the fresh air. Car exhaust is another issue. One morning both my neighbors warmed up their  gas-guzzling trucks at the same time for about an hour. It was like living on a freeway meridian. I lock myself in the house and pray for a good strong wind blowing in the opposite direction.

Of course, if you've ever been on the website www.neighborsfromhell.com you'll realize smell could be the least of your worries. Gun fire, homemade bombs, barking dogs, barking attack dogs, loud music, insane parties, drugs, theft and personal threats are cause for all kinds of worry. The world is full of ignorant sociopaths with entitlement issues.

Home, Sweet, Home....