Self-Containment

So here we are in the middle of a pandemic as the coronavirus spreads to every corner of the world. Schools and libraries are closed. Grocery stores are out of supplies. The Olympics postponed. The last primaries cancelled. The streets and roads are empty of traffic and people. Some will get sick and survive; some will get sick, get worse, and die. It's survival of the fittest. Or the smartest. Or the most informed.

I usually use this illustration to represent perfumed pollution.
Today it's the coronavirus!

As someone who is chemically sensitive, self-containment is my existence. I'm constantly isolated in my home, avoiding public recreation as much as possible, shopping during low volume times, and running for my life in the opposite direction from any toxic person, place or thing. This isolation can be soul-sucking and unbearable, but most of the time it's normal and natural. I often resent the extra effort and energy all this paranoia demands in order to keep myself from being exposed and suffering from mild to debilitating symptoms.

My friends keep telling me how safe I am from virus contamination since I'm already a practitioner of self-containment. I appreciate their encouragement, but truthfully after years of personal isolation and no one else giving a shit, I really like it that everyone else is now, finally, in a similar situation. Instead of being alone, I feel a sense of solidarity now that others are experiencing the discomfort of my everyday life experience. I love it. Welcome to my world!

Friends say, "I have gloves for you if you need them!" I say, No! I have boxes of gloves. I use them for every day protection! I've had friends ask me if I need a mask. I say, No! I use masks all the time for every day tasks! This is my normal life. Come on in! Join the fun! Now if a virus wasn't rampaging across the globe causing suffering and death, I wouldn't have a problem with this new/old lifestyle.

We can't seem to get good information on the coronavirus. One day they tell us we have to wear masks and the stores are sold out. The next day they tell us don't bother - they don't work. Then they tell us if we are sick we should wear them if we are out in public. But, sick or not, we shouldn't be out in public. Besides masks don't work. Right?

Oh no! Dogs are dying from coronavirus. Oh look! Dogs can't get coronavirus after all. Well, maybe, the CDC says stay away from your pets if you get sick because they really have no idea. At least they are honest about it. Dogs should be getting it. Like humans, they have overpopulated the earth and nature needs to balance.

If you drink bleach, it will keep you from getting coronavirus. Thanks Presidunce Dump for being so knowledgeable! Actually this is partially correct because you'll be too dead to get infected. The really bad information coming from the White House is appalling and irresponsible.

If you sneeze once, it's the coronavirus, but if you sneeze multiple times it's not. Now they are saying sneezing isn't a symptom. Presidunce Dump just sent me a postcard on guidelines and he says if I cough or sneeze to do it in my elbow so someone thinks it's a symptom!

One day all the hand sanitizers are sold out, but the following day they say proper hand washing is better. Yesterday vinegar worked as a hand sanitizer; today it doesn't. I see everyone attempting home-made hand sanitizers with alcohol....but the strength should be at least 60%, ah no, 70%...hmmm...90%. And if they put a dab of another ingredient it will absolutely still sanitize ...maybe ...possibly ...because that dab will reduce it to 70%... Or 60%. Exactly. They know this for sure. Yeah, right. Even now, the CDC says 70% and my state's website says 60%.

Some believe this isn't any worse than the flu; others say it is worse than a flu. Some say it is a flu; others say don't make the mistake of thinking it's the flu. Some say we have it under control; others say this is only the beginning. Some say this is biological warfare; others think this is just natural selection and evolution to balance the overpopulation of humans. I haven't yet heard any religious theories. Yet. Maybe this is like Noah's Arc and we are all screwed? UPDATE: The religious are linking this to Jesus's second coming. Does that mean those who die get to go to heaven, or is it the ones who live? No one is clear on that point.

Bottom line, not one fucking person knows what the hell is going on. Am I worried? Only about all the people pretending to know what is going on and giving everyone either, 1) false hope or 2) a panic attack. The best advice I've received so far is from Girl Alive over in Malaysia who told me weeks ago, "GO STOCK UP ON FOOD AND SUPPLIES NOW!" She was convinced our grocery shelves would be sold out like they are in Malaysia. She was right. Our county is totally out of toilet paper right now!

Am I worried? I'm so confused I can't decide. I fall in a middle ground. Maybe? I think.... Some days I feel confident I might actually live to see summer. Then I read the psychic Sylvia Browne predicted this years ago and it's supposed to wipe out most of the population. It's hard to know what to feel when no one has any idea who is susceptible and who isn't. Why are so many recovering and why are too many dying? There must be some link.

First, I am of a certain age that makes me vulnerable, but in past medical tests I have been diagnosed as biologically twenty years younger than I actually am. I blame that on a whole lot of healthy living. I have never smoked cigarettes, no recreational drugs, avoided pharmaceuticals, and rarely drank alcohol of any kind. I have exercised in some form or another all my life. My diet for the last ten years has been outstandingly healthy and for the last lifetime has been relatively, comparatively good. I know eating sugar depletes one's nutritional resources and compromises one's immune system. I don't eat sugar. Eating all kinds of junk should kill even the healthiest of person let alone someone infected by the virus. I don't eat junk food. Will my healthy lifestyle keep me safe or make me vulnerable?

I also have an autoimmune disease. One of the symptoms of Hashimoto's is pericardial effusion...my heart is water logged. Every now and then I am reminded of this with chest and lung pains. My thyroid is susceptible to attacks from my body. Will the virus attack my weakest organs making me more vulnerable?

I have allergies to pollen: trees, grass, hay. This can feel nearly as uncomfortable as virus symptoms. The coronavirus is a respiratory illness that starts and ends in the lungs. A chemical exposure can stop my lungs from working in a heartbeat. Will this make me more vulnerable?

I am also chemically sensitive. Surprise! I'm not going to be dipping my hands in cancer-causing, hormone-disrupting, immune-weakening hand sanitizers nor wipe down my grocery cart with these toxins posted at every building entrance. I'm not going to wash every surface in my house with bleach or alcohol. Will this make me more vulnerable or has my avoidance of chemicals helped strengthen my immune system? FYI: I am using vinegar to sanitize my hands. I wash my hands a lot anyway. I've been adding hydrogen peroxide to hot soapy water when I wash surfaces, but only because it makes me feel better not because I think it works. It dilutes the strength too much, I think. I can't breathe around alcohol. This may be my undoing, but there isn't anything I can do.

Last, but not least, I am chemically sensitive. I hold the hope of the one benefit I have been blessed with for being chemically sensitive: my immune system is hyperactive. I have not gotten sick with anything in the last nineteen years. No colds, flus, viruses, earaches, or sore throats. There have been times I've been surrounded by sickos suffering from the latest illness, coughing, sneezing, puffy eyes telling me to stay away. I have never gotten sick. My white blood count is good. My immune system works and works well. Will this spare me?

I have no idea...time will tell.

The Women's March was exactly two weeks ago. I didn't catch anything then or I'd be showing symptoms by now. Relatives from the local virus vortex dropped in for a visit before everyone started panicking. That was three weeks ago. Hmmm...I feel fine.

We'll see. Until then I'm just going to continue being my chemically sensitive self-containment self and laugh at the people panicking around me as I sit in my house surrounded by lots of toilet paper!*


*Note: No, I'm not a toilet paper hoarder. I bought mine last fall when I cancelled my membership to Costco. Who would have guessed it would come in handy...

Revelation: Older Women/Younger Men

Today I am pondering the young, gorgeous, grocery god I gazed upon at the co-op a few days ago. In my recent search for menopausal truth, I discovered many new learnings. The most revelatory was why older women are attracted to younger men.

I've always liked younger men. When I was twelve I had a crush on a nine-year old. Three-year age differences aren't a big of deal unless you are in sixth grade and he is in third grade then it's unthinkable. Although I was probably more emotionally and physically mature, sex wasn't even in our vocabulary. He was taller, stronger,  smarter, blonder and tanner. He also lived across the street so it was more of a case of proximity. We spent a lot of time together outside of school, running through fields, trail-blazing in the woods, building forts, and tormenting our younger siblings. It felt incredibly natural at the time, although at school this age difference was taboo.  I would have never bragged about it to my twelve-year-old girlfriends, yet he was far more fun than they were.

Fast forward to the future and my mid-life college years. He was twenty-one. I was thirty. Again, proximity is to blame. We had classes together, both majoring in education, discovered a mutual love of hiking right before a summer break and spent the whole summer backpacking together. I certainly didn't plan a relationship with a kid just outside his teen years. My dad called him "the twelve-year-old" just to torment me. I found the teasing not only irritating, but irrational since my dad was married to a woman half his age. He didn't see the contradiction nor recognize the sexism.

A few years later I dated another adorable twenty-something. I heard through the family gossip one of my snide relatives wondered aloud, "So, which junior high did she find him at?" Amidst the constant disrespectful teasing and humiliation I questioned my attraction and even my sanity. Some of my relatives accused me of feeling old and thinking a younger man would make me feel young. Hmmm...no. This was pre-MCS so I was feeling pretty young at the time. Younger men can be quite gorgeous and youth IS attractive, no doubt. But is that it? Am I that superficial? Or am I immature? I pondered long and hard trying to justify if all the harassment was worth it.

First, I was selective. The younger men I dated were intelligent and fairly mature as well as fun, energetic, and free-spirited. We usually shared common interests like hiking, backpacking, camping, kayaking, scuba diving, and music, and their sense of adventure made them very opened-minded to new experiences. They rarely complained of bad backs or painful joints, and they didn't have prior entanglements like ex-wives or older children that always took priority.

More importantly, I liked that younger men were less controlling. In fact, they would do whatever I wanted. I called the shots. I had the power. Older men, on the other hand, were set in their ways and incredibly manipulative. They were in charge and we did what they wanted. My opinion was of no concern. Constant fighting for a voice wasn't fun. Older men always wanted to get married, too. A more permanent state of control was expected from their generation.

Younger men didn't stink. Their natural body odor usually didn't smell badly and if they even considered wearing cologne or smelly body spray, I'd put my foot down and they'd immediately comply. Younger men also remembered not to wear anything stinky. Memory isn't a problem for a younger man and it was as if I was important enough for them to listen to me and pay attention. Telling older men they can't stink and they perceive it as a threat. There is something to be said for the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" and you can't change years of nasty habits. They would show up for the next date bathed in stink, feel miffed when I frowned, demand everything is fine, and let me know I should get over myself. I was often treated as a disappointment and my disobedience in need of retraining. I wasn't meek and subservient enough.

I found it strange that my habit of younger men was so repulsive in our culture, but an older man with a younger woman is not only sanctioned, but envied. Society just smiles and claims the man is going through a mid-life crisis. Other men nod their approval and see him as a role model. Who wants to be with an older woman when they can have a young, attractive, compliant girl?

In my twenties, I did go through a stage where I was the younger woman. At the time older men seemed more thoughtful and romantic, as well as employed and stable. They liked going to fancy restaurants and getting dressed up for cultural outings. There was a certain security in our age difference and being young and silly, I liked having someone tell me what to do and how to think. At the time too many boys my age didn't have jobs, drove barely functioning cars, and didn't want to do anything but drink and avoid taking baths so a more mature partner was preferred. Then I grew up....

Granted, times are changing. Now we have "cougars" and "tadpoles" and the idea of strong women dating gorgeous young men isn't as repulsive. Older women have income and with age this gives them power. This has its own disadvantages. However, find online articles about this age difference and the comment section still disapproves. Especially if the woman LOOKS old or isn't as attractive as the younger man then everyone is judgmental. She's obviously taking advantage of him. Youth and beauty still rule and hags are evil. In many indigenous cultures the pairing of a younger man with an older woman is standard practice and not taboo. The older woman is considered the respected teacher. The last twenty-five year old that asked me out I told him he was too young for me. He replied a bit confused, "I'm surprised age would matter to you." He was right. We did have a lot in common and he made me laugh. I was embarrassed society's opinion had taken its toll. Don't tempt me, young cute thing!

So as I'm reading various books on menopause and sexuality I'm finding information on hormones. Our hormone production declines in old age. I think most of us know that. Young women are saturated with estrogen which makes them soft, sweet, nurturing, cuddly, and fertile. Younger men are flooded with testosterone which makes them energetic, aggressive, not so fond of cuddling and always ready to reproduce. The sexual peak for young men is twenty-two. Other than the reproduction potential, the sexes are in opposition.

Older women have less estrogen and more testosterone. This imbalance makes them more energetic, more aggressive, and more authoritarian. Their sexual peak is around thirty-five years old. They know what they want. Old men, on the other hand, lose testosterone and this imbalance makes them more emotional and cuddly. Sexual role reversal with aging is our natural inclination. The age difference we seek is merely our natural tendency to match our hormonal changes and new-found personalities to new partners. Divorce rates are highest in later years because of this. Older women are more compatible with younger men, and older men are more compatible with younger women. It has nothing to do with older people seeking younger partners to feel younger. Older men and younger women like to cuddle. Younger men and older women like to, well...be energetic.

Fascinating. I'm enjoying the idea of aging more and more. It makes me feel brave. Like a cougar.

Call me Yatna...