AHHHH...RELIEF!!! OMG!

How is everyone pooping these days?

I guess I shouldn't start there. Let's start with background so those of you who are tuning in late will have some kind of context. 

I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, an autoimmune disease that causes your body to attack the thyroid gland causing all kinds of misery. Couple that with MCS and thyroid prescriptions make me incredibly ill with side effects that match if not exceed the symptoms of Hashimoto's. I've spent a good ten years managing this illness with diet and lifestyle only. For the most part, it's worked out really well. However, I've read too often untreated Hashimoto's can cause significant kidney, cardiovascular and vascular problems. I've been expecting death any day now. It's not a good mindset.

So...about four years ago my colon abruptly stopped working. I've always believed a properly working colon is the foundation of good health. I had never in my life had any kind of constipation, let alone what doctors love to call "chronic constipation" so this was shocking. And scary. The pain landed me in the local emergency room and then over the course of the next three months I saw another fifteen different health care providers: conventional MDs, naturopaths, functional medicine doctors, nurse practitioners and one colonic technician as I desperately searched for a solution. Over the next FOUR years I added four more health care providers to the list and I subjected myself to thousands of dollars worth of testing hoping to get answers to why this was happening. And for my time, money, and trouble, I received NO answers, NO solutions, NO help.

I tried every home remedy, dietary remedy, and nearly every over-the-counter remedy with no success. I even tried very expensive colonics every couple days mostly to relief the pain, but I really hoped it would jump start my colon into working again. My colon would not work. I asked a friend, "Where does all the ruffage go if absolutely nothing comes out the other end?? After all, I am eating!" Well, until I started a liquid diet out of desperation. She didn't know.

I did read on a few websites that claimed the colons of some people never work. Nothing works. They end up with a colostomy bag after too much chronic constipation damage. Oh great....

Several people suggested I try Miralax. I had been afraid of Miralax. It says right on the label, "Do not use if you are allergic to polyethylene glycol." 

I had no idea what polyethylene glycol was, but I'm chemically sensitive and "allergic" to every medication known to womankind so this did not give me comfort. (Note: Polyethylene glycol is the reason some have life-threatening anaphylactic reactions to the COVID vaccines.) Still, I was desperate. I threw all caution to the wind and tried it as a last resort. It worked! Besides anaphylactic shock, Miralax is known to cause gastrointestinal problems including stomach ulcers, kidney damage, and OCD, aggression and psychotic/personality changes in children. I was convinced Miralax would kill me, but what choice did I have? Between the Hashimoto's and the Miralax, I was doomed.

Constipation is a common Hashimoto's symptom. After a year of intermittent shutdowns and startups, my colon finally found a schedule of sorts: it would stop working in the fall when the weather cooled (around October) and miraculously start up again in the spring (around March). This is typical of thyroid function anyway...in the winter months during colder weather the thyroid slows down even for people who have no thyroid issues. This is why so many become slightly lethargic, eat too much, pack on the weight, and basically hibernate. Hmmm...so is my non-working colon just another symptom of Hashimoto's? How do I get my thyroid functioning without poisoning myself?

I presented my theories to many of those health care providers. Most just looked at me like deer caught in headlights not knowing what to do with a patient who needs drugs, but can't take them. Some treated me like everything I said was a lie or argued with me insinuating it was all in my head. No, you couldn't possibly have problems with thyroid medications, and no, Miralax is very inert and healthy after all it's given to children as well as quadriplegics and paraplegics who have no colon function. One medical doctor with an office lined with credentials told me he didn't know if constipation was a symptom of thyroid disease. Morons have taken over the medical system yet I am expected to pay these people for an appointment! Orange fucking cones.

Faced with the incompetent American health care system, I realized I had to figure this out myself because no one was going to help me. I went to an acupuncturist. Maybe he can jumpstart the thyroid by poking needles in the nerves? The second treatment made me violently ill for two weeks as if it triggered an autoimmune attack. The fact that it triggered an attack indicated it did something, but it was too much and too much money if I wanted to maintain the treatment and experiment. Besides my colon was not amused. It refused to do any jumping.

In the meantime, my stomach was ripping with pain, my back hurt right around the kidney area, and my blood labs showed I was at stage three kidney disease...in March. In September after six months not taking Miralax, my kidneys went back to looking fine. Miralax was killing me. I was desperate now. I was depressed and anxious. I was afraid. If nothing works, this was definitely going to kill me!

I decided to try one more idea for a thyroid prescription. If I could control the amount of drug I take, maybe I could tolerate a little at a time. All I need is enough to make up for thyroid drop during the cold winter months. Maybe that would do the trick? I'll need a compounded prescription with no fillers, no additives, no flavors, no scents. Topical drops for my skin. Then I had to find a health care provider who would prescribe compounded drugs. This was nearly impossible. Most of them argued with me saying I wouldn't get enough absorption and ignored me when I said, "That's the point [ORANGE CONE!]." (See my post on orange cones.) Even one of the compounding pharmacists argued this point! Orange cones are everywhere.

I finally found a naturopath who claimed she had compounding pharmaceutical experience. Bottom line, she was willing to prescribe my idea, or so I thought. First, it took six weeks to get an appointment with her. Second, it took her seven more weeks to call it in to the pharmacy. She doesn't understand I'm on a timeline and need the drug before the weather cools. Third, she failed miserably at listening to me and prescribed it incorrectly because although she might have minor experience with compounding drugs, she has absolutely no experience with MCS. Fourth, the pharmacy mixes it wrong adding fillers I can't tolerate and even using the wrong dosage!! Really? After a dozen conversations they still get it wrong???!! Finally, after four months of struggling at every turn, I get the correct prescription. I mark on my calendar six weeks because that's how long it takes for thyroid drugs to affect one's thyroid levels. 

I started with one drop of Levothyroxine under the arm every three days because it's usually the second and third day when I get sick. The first week I start taking it, my colon STOPPED working! Fall is here! The weather cooled. UGH! I was disappointed it took too long to get the prescription, but I hoped continued dosing would still my raise my thyroid levels. I was praying for a miracle. 

In the meantime I unfortunately read more on Miralax about the lawsuits against Bayer Corporation attempting to get Miralax banned in the US or at least labeled correctly. "Do not use if you have kidney disease..." Yes, they boldfaced those words on the container. Great.  Miralax is killing me. This experiment has to work. I am hoping the thyroid hormone supports my already stressed kidneys caused by hypothyroidism and makes my colon miraculously start working so I can stop poisoning myself with this so-called "inert" over-the-counter medication that activist groups are trying to get banned in the US. I can dream can't I?

I also considered if it doesn't work, I think my only option left is to move to Mexico....near the equator. Warm weather year round. My thyroid would love it, but can I get good, organic, wholesome food in Mexico? I hope so. Hasta la vista, baby!

The one drop dosage every third day seemed fine, but I was eager and impatient to get more assimilated in my system. How to increase the dose and still avoid side effects?  I tried two drops every third day and I was hit with severe nausea, dizziness, back and neck pain, headaches, fatigue and depression. I tried one drop every other day, but on the "off" day I was hit with debilitating fatigue causing me to sleep all day. I pulled back and went back to one drop every three days and let my body recover. Then raised it again to 1/2 drop every other day and decided, well hell with the fatigue, take it at night and get tired while sleeping. This seemed to work. Common practice is to take the medication in the morning before one eats as it won't assimilate correctly if food is in the stomach. I wasn't digesting it anyway. I just needed to somehow get it in my system while avoiding the side effects that are debilitating.

At five and a half weeks, MY COLON STARTED WORKING! OMG! 

At first I was in disbelief. Could this be true? I didn't trust it. After four years of hell, have I really discovered the secret? The cure? The remedy no idiotic health care orange cone's brain could comprehend? I very carefully weaned myself off Miralax and waited. My colon kept working. OMG! The more thyroid I take the more motility I get, but it comes with the risk of overdosing side effects. The key is balance!

I AM SO HAPPY AND RELIEVED!! (Pun intended.) 

A week later it stopped. I started doing some cleanses to mitigate the kidney damage (back pain) and that will often slow down a colon. This was probably done too early as I should have waited for the colon to regain a happy normal. I persisted and hoped for a rebalance. I also worked up to two drops every night (10mg.) and after a few days my colon started working.

HOORAY!

Eight Months of Hell

My colon stopped working in November. If you've been reading my blog, you already know this has not been a fun time for me. Experimenting with laxatives of all kinds has been challenging especially since some of them are chemical-based and create side effects I'd rather do without. However...

MY COLON IS NOW WORKING!!!!!!

Unbelievable. Oddly enough, I had asked some Hashimoto's people about non-working colons and quite a few said they have experienced the same thing with no doctors who knew what to do and no relief, BUT one said her issues also lasted about seven to eight months and then miraculously started working again. No one knows anything.

Here's what I know: My colon stopped abruptly after spending a weekend gorging on lectins. I repeat, gorging. I am an overeater and have been all my life. Even when I'm full, I want to eat. I'm sure the lectins compromised my colon's ability to work and with Hashimoto's slowed to a full stop.

Miralax was the only thing that worked for me and I was thankful when my eighth doctor informed me Miralax is not addictive. All it does is add water which helps keeping fecal matter moving in one's colon. Because everything has slowed to a crawl, it spends too much time in the colon and all water is sucked out created painfully dry and hard stools. I started doing four caps of Miralax a day, reduced down to 2 caps. One can tell if one is taking too much Miralax as stools appear like skinny, mushy snakes or worms. (Sorry so graphic. This is for people who need this information. Be thankful I didn't include photos. hehehe)

SO...I put this information together:

First, stop eating so much. Less food means there is less to move. This is difficult for me, but easier if I prepare "fixed" one portion meals. Anytime I make a pot of anything whether it be soup, casserole or stew, I want to eat the whole thing. So fixed meals and lots of willpower not to fix another fixed meal.

Second, water. Now I know we are supposed to drink copious amounts of water and every morning I lay out my eight glasses of water on the counter and attempt to drink all before bedtime. There are days I am so busy I forget to drink anything! I also know Hashimoto's people have an aversion to water. The chemically sensitive should drink a lot of water, too. It helps with detoxification and dehydration makes one susceptible to EMF sensitivities.

I also have bad water history after living on a farm with a well that got contaminated and sent relatives to the hospital. I've lived in cities with bad drinking water that smelled to high heaven or came out of the tap brown. Consequently, I've lived off of distilled (dead) bottled water most of my life. I have a life-long physical, emotional, and mental aversion to water. Still, I must drink water if I want this colon to work.

Eight months ago I started trying to drink lots of water. Somedays I succeeded. Most days I did not. Lately I've been very diligent and it helps to be getting my water supply from an artesian well so knowing it's fresh, clean, and filled with nutrients makes me feel better. And free! In the last month or so I've been religious about water.

Soon I noticed I was taking too much Miralax. I cut it down to one cap a day, then a half a cap a day. I was still taking too much. Whoa! I went without for a couple days but panicked. In past months I had tried to stop Miralax only to have my colon turn to cement within twelve hours. I resumed the Miralax only to find fecal snakes swimming in the toilet. Then I stopped completely. It's been two weeks without Miralax. As long as I don't overeat and drink copious amounts of water, everything seems to be working.  (Knock on wood!) Not perfectly, but at least I don't need Miralax.

How much to drink? The standard is eight glasses a day which is what we've been told for centuries, however, this complies only with the lab rat theory that we are all alike. I've used this argument to justify my lack of water proclaiming I'M NOT EXACTLY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! Now I confess I probably am like everyone else, however, I am gravitationally gifted (fat) so I need more than the typical lab rat.

There is a math formula according to one's weight:

(Your weight) x .67 = ounces of daily water intake

Adjust for strenuous activity or hot weather. So a person who is 175 lbs would need 117 ounces of water per day for optimum health. That's a lot!

I should be drinking 107 ounces which is a challenge. So far I'm up to about 72 ounces and working on it. This is a huge accomplishment for someone who wouldn't drink any water! I get up, drink twelve ounces immediately, go for a walk, drink another twelve ounces. An hour after breakfast drink another twelve ounces, etc. At first it was really difficult and I felt like I was drowning.  Not only did drinking all this water make me choke, but I kept inhaling the water down my windpipe. If I drink it too soon after a meal I burp it up if I move wrong. Gross.  Who has time to constantly stop and drink water ALL DAY LONG? What about people who don't have as much access to clean water? Obviously I'm still trying to overcome my mental block.

Besides the awesome working colon, I also notice the veins on my arms are bulging and I'm sleeping better without the Miralax side effects. I do notice I don't have to pee every ten minutes which was a hassle for a while and I try to stop drinking water after 5:00pm. I'm still getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but actually not as often as my body at night was busy trying to flush out the Miralax poison and now it's just processing water. I'm sweating way more than I used to, but I know a symptom of Hashimoto's is very little if any sweating. We probably all need to drink more water!

HOORAY!

I'm a SIBO Killing Machine!

My latest diet sucks. My colon still isn't working and my new doctor thinks it's SIBO. I'm resistant. Don't get me wrong, I actually think I like this new doctor. First, she speaks my language and uses words like "leaky gut", "genetic mutations", "organic foods" and "coconut oil". Second, she sees patients on Saturday! Third, she's a real doctor who's gone holistic. And fourth, she actually emailed me out of the blue to find out how my colonoscopy went. That's above and beyond what anyone expects of a doctor these days. She seems very knowledgeable, but I'm not convinced about the SIBO idea.

SIBO stands for Small Intestine Bacteria Overgrowth which means bad bugs are in my small intestine supposedly causing all kinds of havoc. Symptoms are: bloating, gas, diarrhea, irritable bowel syndrome, inflammatory bowel disease, food intolerances, chronic diseases, vitamin B-12 deficiency, heartburn, leaky gut, nausea, fat malabsorption, abdominal pain and cramping, and, wait for it...constipation although not as common as diarrhea.

So...what I don't have are the classic symptoms of bloating, gas and diarrhea. I also don't have irritable bowel syndrome, inflammatory bowel disease, heartburn, nutrient malabsorption, or nausea. My vitamin B-12 levels are excellent and I've been on the leaky gut diet several times in the last few years with the most recent in December. I don't have the food intolerances the websites list (gluten, casein, lactose, and fructose), but my latest food allergy test showed some sensitivities to...vegetables. My new doctor didn't seem to care about this because she said those tests are just a reflection of the moment and next week the list would be different. I agree. I think the list is a reflection of the current state of my colon. It doesn't like fiber.

What I do have is what appears to be a non-working colon rather than typical constipation. A year ago I had fat malabsorption, I have had some intermittent abdominal pain, and I do have a chronic disease known for constipation - Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. SIBO bugs are known to cause constipation through the methane they produce. The other bugs commonly associated with SIBO are hydrogen-dominant and those are the bugs that create the diarrhea.

My cynicism is also grounded in the fact five years ago it was as if everyone I knew was all of a sudden diagnosed with SIBO. I found this unrealistic. Is this the latest holistic fad? Now, years later, none of them are "cured". They suffered through all the expensive treatment options and many now have a standing prescription for antibiotics every six months with repeat testing. So if there is no working treatment, what is the point of all this medical expense?

Instead of jumping into spending $180 for the test, I asked my doctor for the SIBO diet and she gave me a copy of Dr. Allison Siebecker's protocol which you can view HERE. Everything I've read states the diet should help make the patient feel better within days. Of course, most are suffering from bloating which I am not. My thought process is if SIBO is what I have and the diet the treatment, I should have some improvement. Doesn't that make sense? Even a tiny indication I'm on the right track would give me hope.

This diet restricts sugars and starches since that is what the SIBO bugs eat. If you can starve them out, they will die and go away. OK! I can live off meat for two weeks! I am allowed a few choice fruits, vegetables, some oils, some nuts. Just to be safe I'll stop eating all my food allergens as well. Who needs vegetables! And on top of that continue with the Paleo Diet with a Hashimoto's Twist. This doesn't leave me with many food options, but after five months of a non-working colon, I really don't care. I just want a sign that SIBO is at fault for all my misery.

The diet was horrid. My intestines screamed in burning discomfort, my stomach cramped, and I started crashing with bouts of exhaustion and fatigue. My thyroid hates the diet. And on top of that, the constipation got worse. No laxatives of any kind would work. At first I thought this was what everyone calls "die-off" or the bugs starving and dying which releases their toxins as they exit your system, but I didn't have the typical die-off symptoms and stayed on the diet for two weeks. I just felt worse and then more worse. And then my hair started falling. Call me vain, but that was the last straw. At two and a half weeks, I ate some rice and everything felt wonderful.

So now what? I'm paralyzed with indecision. Do I listen to my instincts and refuse the test or do I cave, pay for the test, and then get really irate when it comes back negative as I expect? Even if it came back positive, how can I possible treat SIBO? Antibiotics or herbs might cause me far too much misery. Then what? Ponder...ponder.

So I ordered the test. My doctor said two weeks on the diet wouldn't do anything. I'm still not convinced, but I got tired of doing nothing paralyzed with indecision. At least this moves me forward. The test has a preparation plan and diet. I have to be OFF laxatives for four days!? HOW? My colon stops working without laxatives!

Does that deter me? Nope. On to a liquid diet of fruit and vegetable juices and meat broths. I confirmed this plan with the lab as I was afraid too restrictive a diet might produce a false negative. They said as long as one adheres to the 24 hour preparation diet, no problem.

The first, second, and third days of the liquid diet my colon screamed in burning pain and cramps.  Then it gurgled for hours alternating with moments of feeling really good if it wasn't for the excruciating hunger, then the hunger would go away. The sweet fruit juices helped alleviate weakness, but then the pain and cramps would return and the cycle would continue. This feels more like an infection and I was surprised to get the same pain with an empty gut as I did with a fully packed intestinal tract.

The fourth day, however, was a diet of only chicken broth. I thought the feelings of hunger would kill me. Weakness and brain fog took over and by 1pm I was done thinking for the day. By four o'clock I was sick of chicken broth and this is good because one needs to start fasting twelve hours before the start of the test. I tend to get up early and knowing I'd be famished by the next morning, I planned this in advance.

I drug myself out of my weakened state out of bed at 3am, one hour before the test. I could hardly function. Sitting in a chair took a great amount of effort. My joints burned and I was sweating profusely. I began the test. The lactulose solution was fine. It tasted like weak orange-flavored Kool-aid. I was hoping it would give me some energy to survive the next three hours. It ever so slightly took away the some of the weakness without bad side effects. The test involves breathing into a little funnel with a test tube inserted every twenty minutes ten times. I turned up the online jazz station and began. Three hours later done...over. You can get instruction details and watch informative videos for this test from www.sibocenter.com

Waiting, waiting, waiting for the results....still waiting. Waiting longer...

Waiting some more.

NEGATIVE. Duh. What a waste of money! But I am absolutely relieved and overjoyed the results are negative. Maybe the new doctor will start taking me seriously now?

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Laxatives But Were Afraid to Ask!

Spending way too much
time on the throne these days!

Constipation is a very common symptom of hypothyroidism and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Lack of proper thyroid function slows down bodily functions particularly affecting the intestines. I've been fortunate. There are some Hashimoto's symptoms I've managed to avoid all of my life and constipation was one of them. Unfortunately, five months ago, my colon stopped working after a weekend of eating chili.

Yes, I'm blaming it on the chili. A naturopathic doctor I saw last year criticized my diet. He said I wasn't eating enough fiber...beans in particular. He refused to listen to me and as he was sounding like a typical, conventional, ignorant, narrow-minded doctor, I lost all faith in him, however, it stuck in my mind maybe I need to eat more beans?

Beans, and all legumes, are forbidden on the Paleo Diet with a Hashimoto's Twist due to their lectins which cause inflammation which creates gastro-intestinal stress (leaky gut) and they act as insulin binders. Did the naturopathic doctor care? I could tell he wasn't listening to anything I said. His eyes glossed over.

So on that faithless day last November as the freezing temperatures of winter were upon us, I needed a new food. A warm food. That adorable man who works in the meat department at the co-op suggested ground turkey. I asked, "What's a good recipe for ground turkey?" His eyes lit up, "Oh! You have to make chili!!!

Hmmm...I just needed a new meal to combat the boredom I was feeling with the constant same-ness of my diet. I justified my cheating by remembering my naturopath's lectures. I can do one pot of chili. How can that hurt anything?

Oh my god it was delicious! Homemade chili with ground turkey, kidney beans, onions and only one tomato, another forbidden food. For dessert I had carob...a food known for constipation, however, I figured with all the fiber in the beans this wouldn't be an issue. I tend to drink copious amounts of water when I eat carob.

Monday afternoon I was in the hospital with killer right side pain. It has been suggested this might have been a gall bladder attack, however, all tests showed...nothing. I was "just" constipated. I tried telling the emergency room doctor I had never been constipated in my life so that wasn't possible. He ignored me and said I should eat more fiber. I ATE CHILI FOR BREAKFAST AND SALAD FOR LUNCH! He walked away leaving me confused and angry.

Anyway as the nightmare continued, my colon stopped working. Totally stopped. Did the chili incite some kind of intestinal attack? Did the carob add to the problem? I don't know for sure. And over the next five months I did everything I could possibly do to get it working again. For someone who is chemically sensitive the idea of laxatives is frightening. Everyone knows they can be addictive which will render your intestinal function obsolete. The chemicals used in some of the over-the-counter remedies do not inspire health. The physical discomfort became unbearable and my stress level hit an all-time high. I became frantic and began experimenting. Five months later, I'm a laxative expert!!

Here are the various laxative-inducing remedies I tried, in order, starting with foods, then herbal remedies, then over-the-counter poisons, then holistic treatments. I'm convinced my constipation experience is not "normal" and my issues are somehow systemic, although after five months and eight doctors, I still have no clue what has caused this and if it can be fixed. In addition, these remedies although many did not work on me, may work too well on you! Go slowly. Be careful.

Dr. Schulz's Intestinal Formula #1  When I arrived home from the hospital that night my first thought is I needed to clean my intestines out. I was still in pain and convinced the pain was being caused by the intestines. I was also convinced the carob was creating some kind of blockage since this was so unusual. I had a bottle of Dr. Schulz's Intestinal Formula from when I did a colon cleanse years ago. I admit, these herbs were outdated, but it was late at night with all stores closed and the pain was returning fast. I wanted fast relief. I know how well these work. The directions state take one capsule at a time wait, take two the next day, wait, increasing until something happens. I took all FIVE capsules at once. Yeah, probably not smart, but at that point I didn't care. Unfortunately, it did NOTHING!

HYDRATION  I guzzled copious amounts of water. I started drinking juices which are not on my diet because they are so sweet, but at this point I didn't care. Pear juice is supposed to be really good for healing the digestive tract and for constipation. Same with apple juice and it cleans your liver and colon. Beet-apple-carrot juice also cleans your liver and colon. Lemon juice cleans kidneys and liver. I added celery, cucumber, parsley juice to the mix. Peppermint tea for digestive support. It didn't seem to make a difference.

INTESTINAL MASSAGE The idea is to physically coax your bowels into action and hope they get the idea! Start on your lower right and working up in circular movements, across the abdomen, and down the left side and to the middle bottom. I did this for weeks, twice a day. It did nothing. I was doing it so vigorously in hopes of relief, I had bruises!

PRUNES People highly recommend prunes for constipation. Soak them in water or stew them. "Normal" people need very little for effect. I ate a whole bag and they did NOTHING.

FLAX SEED Next I tried flax seed. A couple tablespoons soaked in heated chicken broth. I drank this for two days. They did NOTHING.

OLIVE OIL I read olive oil will cure constipation. I drank olive oil. So gross. It did NOTHING.

Not the same as
castor oil!

CASTOR OIL I became desperate. I drank castor oil. It actually tasted better than the olive oil. It did NOTHING.

MAGNESIUM CITRATE After a week of no bowel movements, I finally go into see a health care professional, or the Formerly-Fired-Rehired-and-Fired-Again nurse practitioner. She announced it was my gall bladder and it had to be surgically removed. She suggested drinking only 1/2 bottle of liquid magnesium citrate and the constipation would be resolved. So I did and it produced two very small, hard as rock stools. That's it! A few days later I drank another bottle. Nothing. Constipation continued and the FFRaFA nurse refused to respond to my pleas for assistance. Now what?

FLEET ENEMAS I went into my local pharmacy and asked for advice. (These are the people who when I expressed concern about chemical toxicity they told me water is a chemical. I laughed at them and pointed out how ignorant it was to compare natural water to chemicals made by chemical companies. I had no confidence.) They suggested a mineral oil enema. It did NOTHING except make a mess.

EPSOM SALTS So I tried an Epsom salt enema but it did nothing except expel the water that went in. I had used Epsom salts during liver and gall bladder cleanses that usually work really well, so I drank Epsom salts mixed in water. This should have done something, but it did very little except produce a miniscule amount of diarrhea.

DOCUSATE SODIUM It had been two weeks without a bowel movement by this time. I threw all caution to the wind and started shopping the pharmaceutical shelves. Docusate is a stool softener chemical and this particular pill had small amounts of senna, an herb used for constipation. It produce a tiny bit of diarrhea and a whole lot of nausea. I have bad reactions to cellulose and it was an inactive ingredient.

JUICE FAST At this point I hadn't had a real bowel movement in three weeks and the discomfort from adding food to my bowels every day was unacceptable. I stopped eating and subsisted on juices. Every kind of juice imaginable. In addition to the juices already mentioned, I added cabbage juice which known to heal the digestive tract. It actually tastes really good so I felt I was on the right track. Red cabbage is supposedly better than green cabbage as far as healing properties. Unfortunately, cabbage is a goitrogen and too much of a raw goitrogen decreases thyroid function. I began to experience bouts of severe fatigue.

COLONIC IRRIGATION When I worked for naturopaths many years ago I was being trained in colonic irrigation so I was aware of this option. I've known people who get them every week, but I never thought this was healthy as it trains your colon to be lazy and not work. However, three weeks without a bowel movement and I was desperate. It was actually kind of fun. The technician was delightful. We babbled on about the horrible doctors in our area while she also told me what she could feel and see during the process. At one point she said, "Hmm...the water is moving around something and just broke through." This made me believe maybe the carob is still in there creating a blockage? At $100 a session, colonics are way beyond my budget, but in an emergency, they work!

SENNA LEAF TEA Unfortunately, having my colon totally cleaned out did not jump start my intestines into working order. After two days, everything had stopped, felt like I was filled with cement. Desperate again, I turned to senna leaf tea at the recommendation of a friend.  I read one never should take it for more than a week. It's addictive and could create "lazy bowels". I tried one cup and within two hours had the worst intestinal cramps imaginable. Really bad pain, however, massive amounts of diarrhea expelled from my body so the relief was worth it. I reduced the dosage and mixed it with fennel seed and peppermint. Then I read it can do so much damage to one's colon you'd have to have parts of your intestines removed and use a colostomy bag for the rest of your life. I'm not interested in doing permanent damage. However, it costs less than $1 for a bag of bulk, dried senna leaf so much more cost effective than anything else. I use this as an emergency only if necessary.

DANDELION ROOT I found another naturopathic doctor who prescribed dandelion root tea. It's supposed to be good for constipation. Unfortunately I failed to check the counterindications of this herb and unfortunately she didn't either. Counterindications:  intestinal blockage. I know it is never smart to clean the gall bladder, liver, or kidneys if you don't have a working colon. This was stupid. This woman obviously and ignorantly ignored the constipation issue and instead piggybacked on the nurse's diagnosis of gall bladder problems thinking I needed to clean out some vital organs. This created horrible back pain and my innards turned once again to cement.

MIRALAX After two months of this hell, I finally got into a Gastroenterologist who was dismissive and condescending. When I told her of my carob theory, she said, "Oh, you are so funny!" And then she tried to tell me carob is just like chocolate and should create diarrhea not constipation. Clearly ignorant, arrogant, and conventional, I didn't see the point in responding. She suggested Miralax, another stool softener, claiming it's even good for children as she gives it to her children on occasion. This was one of the few laxatives I avoided as it says right on the label if you are allergic to polyethelene glycol, don't use it. Well, how do I know if I'm allergic to this? By this time, I was really desperate. It works like a dream. It took about three days to kick in. She started me out on 4 caps for the first week and then reduced it down until I was still having bowel movements. It has no taste, mix it in water or juice. Unfortunately after two weeks, I started getting stomach pain that spread to the whole GI tract. Eventually the pain was so bad I asked myself, is this an ulcer? I got online and searched "Miralax ulcer" and sure enough Miralax is known to cause peptic ulcers! There are some people online who have taken it every day for a year without problems, and some people don't start experiencing the pain until over a year. Well, I've never been like other people. At this point I'm in a panic. If Miralax is out, now what? My GI doctor is unavailable for advice. Again, I'm on my own.

CHIA SEEDS I read chia seeds work like a dream. NOTHING.

PRUNE JUICE I read as little as 1/2 cup works like a dream. I drank a quart. NOTHING.

MAGNESIUM CITRATE I remember from my years as a naturopathic medical assistant that magnesium is good for constipation, but it was common knowledge too much is hard on the kidneys. Using it daily, which was what I needed, didn't sound like a good idea. My previous experience with magnesium citrate was disappointing so I wondered how much I'd have to ingest to get little results. Finding no relief with anything else, what choice did I have? I started reading. There are people out there who live on magnesium citrate for their chronic constipation. Most naturopaths and holistic doctors recommend it. I read about Natural Calm which is also good for leg cramps and insomnia. Hmmm...I tried it. Tastes horrible, but the unflavored had less additives like stevia. It didn't do much for leg cramps or insomnia. After a couple days, I started feeling nauseous. I was told it could be the citric acid as many people can't tolerate it. I started taking it with food and lots of water and this helped, twice a day, morning and evening. It worked at 4200 mgs. That seemed to be way too much magnesium for anyone, but I watched for magnesium overdose side effects. At three weeks, the nausea increased until I couldn't even sit up I was so sick. Was it the citric acid accumulating in my body or overdose of magnesium? I had labs done. My kidneys were fine, but I could no longer tolerate the nausea. After a few days off it my colon turned to cement once again and restlessness at bedtime was intolerable.

MAGNESIUM I found information on Mega-Mag online. Liquid magnesium in a dropper bottle made from natural minerals, no additives, no citric acid. Tastes really horrid, but much preferred to the formulas that include so many additives for taste. I started with three droppers (about 3/4 teaspoon) three times a day or 1200 mgs which is a dosage recommended by doctors then worked my way up, and up, and up. It worked for a while then nausea set in and I stopped.

VITAMIN C According to online articles, vitamin C is the other health alternative to laxatives. Too much vitamin C can deplete your iron levels and I've had problems with taking it in the past. I searched for a form that had less additives and might be more tolerable. Most are in pill or capsule form so I know they are made with cellulose. I found one powder with no additives. Unbeknowst to me, there are two types of vitamin C: ascorbic acid and calcium ascorbate and selection is determined by a person's metabolic type. In the past I've used ascorbic acid and it made me incredibly sick. This one was calcium ascorbate. I have no idea what my metabolic type is, but I tried this one out of desperation. All literature says at the proper dose it should work immediately and to find out what your proper dose is, begin taking 1,000 milligrams every hour until it works. At 10,000 milligrams per day it worked! This seemed like too much but then I read if you are getting bowel movements around 10,000 to 15,000 milligrams per day, you are relatively healthy. Cancer patients are prescribed 200,000 milligrams per day. I found I needed to take it after eating and rinse my mouth out or I get blisters from the acid. After ten days it started making me feel sick.

Although the Miralax, magnesium and vitamin C eventually make me sick, I found I can alternate them. The transition is rough causing painful constipation at which time I drink senna leaf tea for a couple days. After five months, they aren't working so well. It's taking more and more, and even mega doses have stopped working.

I feel like a laxative expert. Unfortunately.

Does anyone have any other ideas? I'm out of ideas....