Being Thankful

Chemically sensitive people have a difficult time with holidays. These are traditions that demand family time and friendship connections never advantageous to anyone who can't be around the toxic bad habits of stupid humans. Around this time of year I read so many websites for MCSers and EMF sensitive people featuring comments and posts on how sad people are they can't participate or worse, how their family or friends criticize them for faking it or just being a general pain in their backsides.

I don't do holidays anymore. Even before I was chemically sensitive, holidays were contentious. Most of my family not only had toxic hygiene, but smoked incessantly forcing me to stand outside in the rain for most of the day. I'd have to suffer their smart ass questions about my latest diet or comments about weight gain and their jokes about why I was standing outside were insensitive and exhausting. Holidays were always filled with disappointment.

As a young adult I spent many holidays with friends. Sometimes this involved sharing their families. I always appreciated their hospitality, but I always felt like an outsider, an intruder. It was uncomfortable. I had one friend reprimand me for a homemade apple pie I brought as a contribution. Really? It wasn't her family's tradition. REALLY?

My favorite memories are the Friendsgivings when a group of single friends would get together for a potluck celebration. Those were often really fun and sometimes wild. When I became chemically sensitive the parties became difficult with people forgetting not to wear perfume or essential oils. Many times I'd have to leave before the meal was even served.

I've gotten used to my solitude. It's taken years to get to this point as initially all this isolation was soul sucking. Now I rather enjoy not being harassed for who I am by thoughtless relatives. I enjoy a day where I can do what I want without the stress and worry of who will poison me, who will insult me, who will disappoint me, or who will treat me like a second-class citizen. I don't have to worry what I should bring for a potluck dish or hostess gift and I won't feel slighted when my potluck dish stays and I have to leave.

I am thankful.

Validation and Vindication

As a young girl I watched my mother die. She sat on the couch every day for months and cried in pain. After she died, my brother and I were forced to live with my father, his new wife, and step-siblings to grow up surrounded by smokers, junk food eaters, drug addicts, alcoholics and every other manner of poor parenting and little nurturing. As a young girl I made a solemn vow to not get cancer, be healthy, and not end my days in such a miserable situation. I started reading health books. I refused to ever smoke cigarettes, drink much, or do drugs. I probably missed out on a whole lot of fun in my youth, but I was convinced it was for the best. Anytime I started to slip, I hit the "play" switch in my brain and listened to my mother's tears.

I grew up being harassed for my health-driven determination. No one really understood my emotional baggage. They just thought I was weird. Or bossy. My step-mother constantly accused me of being a hypochondriac. I'm pretty sure she got really tired of my epiphanies and constant dietary advice...you shouldn't drink Coke constantly, we shouldn't eat that fake cheese, the book I just read said smoking will kill you, why are we eating frozen dinners or pizza so often? She didn't understand I was trying to save them. I didn't want anyone else to die. My siblings, who all started smoking around eight years old, always asked me with a smirk and snarky tone, So, what weird diet are you on now? My father constantly told me I was fat, but he didn't seem to connect our diet with his obesity nor my weight gain. As a young adult I'd have to stand out in the rain during holiday dinners because everyone inside was smoking and my lungs couldn't handle it. Eventually I stopped trying to celebrate the holidays with family, but I was the only one left out and this always made me question if my desire to be healthy was wrong. After all, I was the minority and I was the one suffering in exile and isolation. Everyone was having way more fun than I was!

I do blame much of my chemical sensitivity on my family's ignorant bad habits. I've heard there is a connect between hypothyroidism and second hand smoke and chemicals of all kinds contribute to autoimmune diseases. Children don't have much control over their environments: poor air quality, poor diets, and general emotional stress can take a toll on developing bodies. Stupid, irresponsible people shouldn't be allowed to be parents, and unfortunately, they usually pass their bad habits on to their offspring. We really shouldn't wonder why our health care system is overtaxed with all the unhealthy, apathetic people doing whatever they want regardless of the outcome.

Aside from the chemical sensitivity and the thyroid disease connected to the chemical sensitivity, the rest of me is fairly healthy. Hooray! I can deal with dying. I just don't want to be miserable on the way there or for any length of time. Is that too much to ask? I am determined to outlive all my relatives and I am hopeful all my sacrifices and healthful habits will pay off. If not, I'm going to be a very resentful dead person.

I visited my brother yesterday who lives about three hours away. I do this once a year around his birthday and when his organic Asian pears ripen. Because of the bad habits of all family members, I don't have much contact with any of them. Once a year or every other year, my brother visits me. He works hard at not smelling like smoke, we usually sit outside, and I catch up on the latest family gossip. Sometimes I ask him about his diet and he tells me he had Twinkies for breakfast, McDonald's hamburgers and fries for lunch, and dinner will be two cans of processed spaghetti with four slices of margarine-frosted, bleached-white Wonder Bread. Eeeww. There have been times I've uncontrollably exclaimed, WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?, but I no longer lecture or advise. It took me a long time to realize trying to be helpful was a waste of my time. I've trained myself not to care.

Everyone is getting older. There have been times over the years when I've whined about MCS and wondered why no one else in my family seems to be as unlucky as me. Poor, poor, pathetic me. But it's all relative (pun intended), and it's all starting to catch up with them now. In the last year alone, family members are plagued with newly diagnosed diabetes, Crohn's disease, fibromyalgia, blood clots, back problems, heart attacks, strokes and out of control stupidity forcing perpetual unemployment and disability. And that's just what I could drag out of my brother. He's not really forthcoming with the gossip. I can say I'm not surprised, but I confess, as I listened to him I silently thought, It's about time!

Am I a horrible person for thinking this? Am I bad? I know I should probably be more sympathetic, but really? If you smoke for 40 years, this is what happens. If you eat junk food all your life, this is what happens. If you do drugs or drink excessively, this is what happens. Did they really expect a better outcome? My brother tends to blame all health problems on genetics. He thinks if it runs in the family there is nothing that could have been done to prevent it. Really? This is a common medical assumption I always hear, but in truth I think it's just a way to avoid personal responsibility. The only thing we've inherited from our parents were their bad habits and the nasty environment they provided for us. As adults, we have a choice to continue the stupidity or stand up and take responsibility for ourselves. I put up with a lot of abuse as a kid for wanting to be healthy and throughout the years I've questioned if it was worth the effort. Even with MCS and Hashimoto's, I'm still fairing better than anyone else and I am thankful for that! Their bad news is my validation. (I AM a horrible person! Why don't I feel bad about that?)

The best news, however, was my brother quit smoking!!! This is a MIRACLE. He said his lungs started really bothering him to the point where he couldn't breathe. Such excellent news! He had a new house built and doesn't let anyone smoke in it. Hooray!!! I'm trying to pretend I didn't hear about the tumor doctors recently found on his spinal cord. Hey, he did say God told him smoking would kill him, I just figured it would be lung cancer, esophageal cancer or something more obviously connected to his cigarette addiction.

Humanity Overload and SURVIVAL!

This last weekend I went to the Jason Mraz concert at The Gorge Amphitheater and SURVIVED!  I knew this was a risk since I would be in a crowd of 7,500 people, but I took various precautions to limit my exposure and keep myself safe.

 

 

TICKET PURCHASE AND SEATING OPTIONS  The Gorge is an outdoor amphitheater so I anticipated much fresh air. I bought tickets in the General Admission area which is the grassy hillside behind the reserved seating and the fact this venue offered a roaming option made it very attractive. Believe me, I would have rather had purchased the front and center seats so I could be within winking distance of Mr. Mraz and sing, dance, and steal things right under his nose (the title of one of his CDs), but that would mean I would have been in an assigned seat, shoulder to shoulder with possibly stinky people. I couldn't take that chance. When my camping neighbors drove in and told me they had seats in the second row right in front of him I was jealous until I got a whiff of that woman's deadly stench and I said a silent prayer of thanks that I made the choice to be in General Admission. She was camping and bathed in stink! I can't imagine how stinky the non-campers were!


OVERNIGHT ACCOMMODATIONS  The Gorge is way out in the middle of a prairie-desert and hours away from civilization. There are hotels in the nearby city which is  thirty minutes away or you can camp. Camping options are at The Gorge, or at a nearby campground. I was told by a friend the Gorge Campground is one big drunken/drugging party. I'm not sure if the Jason Mraz crowd would be that rowdy, but it didn't sound like they had any security or supervision. I opted for the nearby campground and reserved a spot for Friday and Saturday night.

AIR QUALITY AND HAZE! A few weeks before the concert, friends started asking me if I was still going because of the forest fires north of the Gorge. Although the fires weren't near the Gorge (nothing much in the desert to burn!), the air quality in the eastern part of Washington was affected by the smoke.  I emailed the campground, but they said the smoke was intermittent and wasn't affecting any one's daily routine so far. A few days before Ticketmaster and the Jason Mraz Newsletter sent concert ticket holders warnings about the air quality with special precautions to be taken by anyone with lung problems or asthma. Oh great. Although I don't really have classic asthma, my issues are more like Reactive Airway Syndrome and in the past I've had trouble with campfires if the smoke was too thick. This worried me. I was afraid if the smoke was too bad on Friday, I'd be forced to leave and not see the show. I opted to arrive before the concert on Saturday knowing if the air was too bad I could drive out after the show.

Taken from my seat just as I got inside. See the haze?
Compare it to the photo above. I was a little disappointed
as I'd heard so much about the view and sunset.
Didn't see either because of the smoke.

SOLO  I also went to the concert alone. I considered asking friends, but most didn't know who Jason Mraz was, and more importantly, suppose I got really sick from the perfume, smoke or whatever and had to leave? As it was I changed my plans at the last minute and was thankful I didn't have to subject someone else to my restrictions. Still, it would have been fun to go with someone, but this is one of the choices a MCSer has to make to stay safe and to avoid being an inconvenience to others.

The fire smoke wasn't too bad. My sinuses stuffed up immediately and I had a headache, but that could have been caused by the smell of sagebrush from the prairie. I've never done well with sagebrush. Also, much of the prairie surrounding the Gorge was filled with agriculture, and therefore, pesticides. I think I did great considering.

CONVENIENCES  Upon arriving at the campground, I was able to choose any camping spot and move anytime which was nice. It was especially convenient when my camping neighbors arrived not ten minutes after me and smelled like perfume. Very nice people and big Jason Mraz fans, but very stinky.

This campground also provides a bus shuttle to the amphitheater which is located about two miles away. I wish I would have taken a picture of the buses as they were painted like graffiti. Very cool. This shuttle would be convenient, but not for someone with MCS especially having already met one of the poisoners since they were camping right next to me. So I opted to drive to the venue and park in the free parking. This might have been a hassle as I was warned once the show let's out nearly 5,000 cars will be trying to leave at the same time, but I figured I'd deal with that when the time came. At least I'd still be in my own vehicle and not sitting next to a French whore on a bus.

The parking opened at 2pm. I opted to leave the campground, give up my camping spot and go park early. It was either sit at the campground with little to do but watch unsupervised dogs crapping all over or sit at the parking area which was a field. There were also places to walk near the amphitheater and even a winery so it offered more entertainment and things to do for the next few hours.

I spent some of the time watching people arrive. The license plates were from three different states and ages ranged from babies (YES! Babies brought to the concert? Stupid parents...I hope they put earplugs on their child!) to elderly people and everyone in between. Very eclectic. Many of them stunk from twenty feet away. Some of the cars drove up and smelled of perfume and/or smoke even before the people got out of them. When this happened I closed all the doors of my van and went for a walk.

It would have been fun to carry my blanket, water and snacks and go sit on the lawn in front of the gate like everyone else with General Admission seats so I could get a good seat, but I didn't see the point. First, I would be sitting with stinky people and probably forced to move, but even if I got in early and planted myself in a great place, if someone stinky sat down next to me, I'd have to move! So I opted to wander around, look at the winery, watch the people lining up, investigate the Gorge campground, listen to Jason Mraz's sound check (couldn't see anything but the sound was really good at the winery), etc. For the first few hours most people were hanging out by their vehicles, sitting in lounge chairs, snacking and playing Jason Mraz tunes. When the gates opened, it was like a huge cattle call!

SEAT SELECTION  Once through security, ticket check, and in the amphitheater I watched people and tried to pick those that looked non-stinky. Yeah, right, HOW? Looks are always deceiving! I avoided those who were dressed fancy, women who wore lots of makeup and big hair, large men who tend to cover up their body odor with colognes. Most of the obvious stinky people headed to the reserved seats so that was fine. I finally found a spot, made friendly with a couple who was eyeing the spot next to me, sample-sniffed around them as discreetly as possible (I am a dog...). They seemed fine. When the next group started nesting on the other side of me I made small talk. No smell. Very friendly. Wholesome looking people. OK, this was fine. Feeling secure, I laid my blanket between them and thought to myself, So far, so good. Now to watch the people planting themselves in front of me. And behind me. Ready at a notice to move. No problem except someone about ten feet away smoked a few times throughout the night and, of course. the air blew it in my direction. I couldn't avoid everything so I hoped being outside would help.

Can you see Jason? Yeah, me neither. Even my binoculars didn't help much.
I used them to get a better view of the screens to the sides
of the stage. The disadvantage of the GA area is you feel
miles away from the stage!! But the sound was excellent and
he had all kinds of weird videos at the back of the stage to watch.

 

INCONVENIENCES  Once it got dark, it got freezing cold. I didn't expect that after 80 degrees all day and hot mugginess. I had been prepared earlier with extra sweaters, but I watched all these other people in shorts, tank tops and sandals and thought I was being over prepared. I have no idea how they survived! I at least had long sleeves and a coat. At one point I was looking through my binoculars and couldn't focus because I was shivering so hard.

Being cold makes one really, really susceptible to junk food! Those warm French fries were calling to me. Then that hot Chicken Teriaki Rice Bowl screamed to me to come buy it. I was thankful the lines were so long as I didn't have the patience to wait. It was either see a concert or stand in line for food. I never caved, but very tempted. I just wanted to hold something hot!

Also, sitting on a hillside takes some special knowledge. The constant gravity pull downhill makes your butt HURT PAINFULLY. I could not get comfortable. I now see why there is a mad dash to the terrace part of the General Admission area which has flat grass and angled cement walls to lean back on. You can see part of the terrace in my photo above as I was standing right in front of that area. I'll know this for next time.

Another issue was the restroom facilities. All outhouses at the campgrounds and the Gorge. I don't know what chemicals they use in them but I became very skilled at holding my breath while inside. Besides the chemicals, I think it's so gross to have urinals in them. Why can't men be taught to SIT when at a public toilet? It's very scary seeing all the wet at your feet and then having to make sure your pants don't drag in it when sitting on the throne. Eeewww...Hmmmm...toilet woes.

Jason Mraz was outstanding. I've been watching him for years in concert footage so I knew he was an excellent performer. It was wonderful.

I left during the last encore song and high-tailed it to my van and out of the parking lot. No problem. Got to the campgrounds and found a site with no one around, slept, awoke the next morning and my sinuses cleared when I was half way home! No lung issues. No nausea. Throat never closed up once. Only slight headache and I'm still clearing my throat and coughing today, the next day.

Would it have been nice to go with a group of people, for the whole weekend, camp next to nice, but smelly people, take the shuttle there and back, sit in line with the other GA ticket holders bonding in our love for Jason Mraz, and reserve the expensive seats right under Jason Mraz's nose? Yeah. Oh well. I do what I can do to survive.

I SURVIVED! Even with all the precautions and worry, being able to do something I haven't been able to do for a long time let's me feel like I'm normal. Who would have thought being "normal" is cause for celebration!!??

HOORAY!

WHY Do People Want to Stink?

My dad was also chemically sensitive and couldn't stand perfumes or strongly scented products .  Anytime we discussed it, he would always yell at imaginary stinky people, "GOOD GOD! JUST TAKE A BATH NOW AND THEN!"

Why isn't bathing enough? It's not like we live in the Middle Ages and hygiene is discouraged. Why do people feel they must smell like French whores?

When I was young, I wore perfume. I believed I needed assistance to be loved. It wasn't enough I was thoughtful, friendly and intelligent. I believed if I wore perfume I'd attract the perfect man. Of course, if Prince Charming was on the other side of the room, I needed to expand my personal space and stink up the whole room so he could smell...or rather, find me. In my fantasy, I was olfactorily irresistible and he'd make a bee line for me pushing all the unworthy others out of the way. Besides having an overactive imagination, my reasons for wearing perfume were 1) a whole lot of insecurity, 2) a desperate need for attention, 3) a serious case of self-centeredness, and 3) maybe a tad bit of dishonesty. My authentic self wasn't good enough. Perfume made me someone else, someone who was the center of every one's attention. In addition, like most perfume wearers, I was too ignorant to question what was in a bottle of perfume and if it was smart to expose my body to it. I'm so glad I grew out of my awkward years!

Even back then I had some minor health issues with perfume so I only wore it if going out at night, and I didn't really wear enough to smell up a whole room. Those who do are addicted. Perfumes and colognes are like any other addictive chemical only these are public sanctioned and come in a really pretty bottles.  Do you ever wonder why people who do smell up a whole room will still reapply it throughout the day? Granted, their sense of smell is shot because their brains have chemically imploded, but they also NEED it. I've asked several of the incredibly stinky why, why, why? The overwhelming response was they couldn't live without it. It makes them feel good. It makes them feel beautiful. It makes them not feel like themselves. It makes me wonder if they'll ever grow up and if psychiatric intervention would help.

What's really nasty are people who smoke, rarely bath or wash their clothes, and then pile on the perfume to try to cover it all up. These people should be arrested for being health hazards!

So, in conclusion, why do people wear perfume?

* They are insecure.

* They want attention.

* They are self-centered.

* They are dishonest.

* They are stupid and/or brain-dead.

* They are drug addicts.

Why do you think people spend so much money on a bottle of chemicals in order to stink?