Christmas Cookies Make Me Fart

So, my Christmas spirit is rampant and I was eager to try out a new gluten-free recipe for gingerbread cookies. To be clear I wasn't making them for myself, but for my library as I think I need to show gratitude for all the help those women give me all year long.

The challenge with this recipe is one needs to mix the dough and place it in the refrigerator overnight so it's easier to roll. That's just too much dough at my fingertips (literally) for some snacking. Initially, though, I thought I should try the cookies before I gave them to people to make sure the gluten-free option was edible.

I took a tiny bit of dough and rolled it out, baked, ate. Wonderful! How nice it is after five years to be able to make Christmas cookies. Later that night with weakened willpower I tip-toed back into the kitchen, unwrapped the refrigerated cookie dough, and extracted some more. Yum.

All hell broke loose at bedtime. My colon was rumbling loudly as if I had some alien trying to break free. And then large bursts of untethered flatulence expelled from my body so violently the walls of my bedroom vibrated. This continued until 6am. Around 2 am I got up, checked ingredients, and looked online.

Xanthan gum is evil. I seemed to remember someone telling me this once, but failed miserably at information recall as I blindly and single mindedly planned my Christmas cookie baking indulgence. Xanthan gum is commonly used in gluten-free products as a thickening agent and that's exactly what it does in the colon...it thickens everything.

From www.webmd.com:

People who are exposed to xanthan gum powder might experience flu-like symptoms, nose and throat irritation, and lung problems.  It can cause some side effects such as intestinal gas (flatulence) and bloating. Nausea, vomiting, appendicitis, hard stools that are difficult to expel (fecal impaction), narrowing or blockage of the intestine, or undiagnosed stomach pain: Do not use xanthan gum if you have any of these conditions. It is a bulk-forming laxative that could be harmful in these situations.

All night bouts of uncontrollable farting tend to deflate one's Christmas spirit. Can you imagine if the library ladies would have eaten them??? I'd be on their shit list for sure.

I'm ready for Christmas to be over....

Forget BAKING my own cookies! I'll buy them:

THEY SMELL SO GOOD!!!
Especially the chocolate chip ones.
Oh! The green striped ones smell like peppermint!
I have been told the green stripped ones have a gooey chocolaty middle. ARGH!
FML.

Probiotic Farting

I've never really been an excessive farter. There are always foods that are commonly problematic for almost everyone, but as a health-crazed, vegetarian teenager I read Diet for a Small Planet and discovered proper digestion is all about food combinations to create whole proteins out of incomplete proteins. So if you eat beans, you should eat dairy with them. Hey, I can do massive amounts of sour cream with my wheat-wrapped, deep-fried bean burrito! The Paleo-Hashimoto's diet restricts not only wheat and oils, but beans and dairy so that solved any issue I might have had with incomplete proteins.

I've always thought farting was a sign something was not quite right with one's digestion. Lack of digestive enzymes or hydrochloric acid? Impaired liver function or intestinal mobility? The question is always what is causing it? Food? Stress? Chemicals? Besides the typical fart-producing foods, eating while stressed is never good for digestion and eating foods laced with chemicals is suicide. If I get anywhere near certain essential oils I get severe intestinal cramps so it would make sense that any number of unknown environmental contaminants might have an effect on my digestive tract. Fortunately, my digestion is rarely effected by much.

Unfortunately, I started farting yesterday. Out of control. Yeah, I thought this might be too private a confession to share, but I see it as a AIP diet tale of caution. I was worried. I had added back allspice to a dish filled with onions. Although neither is absolutely restricted on the AIP diet there was a short note that both might be an issue for some. I hope it's not allspice and I don't know how I'd live without onions. Then it dawned on me...

According to Girl Alive farting is a sign your probiotic bugs are in the house and farting is the by-product of bacterial breakdown of food during the digestive process. I'm not sold on the farting is a normal, healthy process theory. Long ago I wrote another post on farting: medieval people thought farting was demonic possession. I'm more inclined to believe this than the beneficial bacteria theory. If anything, it's a sign of gut flora imbalance. The satanic bugs are working too much or too little.

 

Then I had an epiphany of sorts. Sauerkraut is cabbage. It is most definitely a fart-producing food. As a cruciferous vegetable and especially in it's difficult-to-digest raw state, eating it would incite even the laziest of beneficial bugs into a satanic frenzy. This sauerkraut is as raw as those bugs are alive. This made me ponder the origins of sauerkraut. Was fermentation a solution to make eating cabbage more socially acceptable? Probably.

Cabbage is also a goitrogenic or a thyroid-suppressing food which is another reason people experiencing hypothyroidism should be cautious when eating cabbage. I've never really liked cabbage in any form and that should be a clue for me. I'm not eating more than 2-3 tablespoons of sauerkraut a day, but I'm thinking I've added too much.

I'll be really happy when this diet is OVER.

Fart-Filtering Underwear

Yep, that's the title of my post. I like a good title!

You can buy underwear that will filter your farts so no one can smell them. For people with digestive disorders, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or Crohn's disease this just may be a godscent. (Yes, that's my pun for the day.) I guess you have to have a whole lot of body awareness and trust you'll know when your fart will be silent and deadly or LOUD and deadly. Loud even without the stink would still qualify as a social faux pas, and these undergarments don't help with the noise.

Buy them at Shreddies.  Their website photo is priceless:

It never ceases to amaze me what one can find on the Internet. I have no idea if this is a real company or someone's idea of a joke. Their motto is "Fart with Confidence." But if it is real, there must be a way to use this technology so we don't have to smell other stink...maybe make masks from the same material? I wonder if they use chemicals in their filters? I wonder if a mask made from this fabric would still allow you to breathe?

I'm curious, and that makes it very good marketing.

Things I Learned This Week...

1.) Farting is good for you. It's caused by gut bacteria doing their jobs. I always thought it was a symptom of something not working right.

2.) MCS is thought to be an autoimmune response, or your body attacking the stored toxic chemicals and heavy metals in your fat and organs. Whoa! I KNEW IT! I've been saying this for years. Finally I found a doctor that agrees!

3.) Gargling makes your brain work better.

4.) Dogs are susceptible to Hashimoto's Thyroiditis because of the gluten in their chemically-saturated commercial dog food. I wonder if people know when their dog is showing symptoms or if they think he's just getting old and lazy? How sad. I can't imagine being a dog, feeling so miserable you can't move, and not being able to help yourself.

5.) Lipstick usage is connected to lupus.

6.) People with brain degeneration in the cerebellum area can feel sick from looking at patterns. They are also prone to motion sickness.

7.) Jesus was not a historical person. He's totally fiction. There is absolutely no historical documentation that he ever existed. This is mind boggling to me. Although I do believe Christianity is a outdated cult based on ignorant superstition, I always thought Jesus was a really cool rebellious dude who really lived. One theory is the Romans made him up to control the Jewish revolts of the time. Amazing what we are taught to believe as children and we accept without question as adults.

8.) Chelation should not be done by anyone with chemical sensitivities or autoimmune issues as it forces the heavy metals into your brain and may cause permanent damage. It will make you sicker. When you do get sicker, doctors will often tell you it's just your system detoxing. Nope. That's a lie. I KNEW IT! I've also been saying this for years having been an IV technician who used to administer chelation treatments in a former life. The stuff they pump into your veins smells putrid and unsafe. I'd never put it in my body no matter how many miracle cures are promised to me!

Happy Stuff

Farting. We all do it and in so many different ways. Sometimes it's unexpected and embarrassing; other times we free-fart in privacy and delight. So, how did it get to be such a social faux pas?

I once went to the Museum of Witchcraft in Cornwall, England. On display they had "fart bottles". In the Middle Ages it was believed flatulence was a demon who had taken up residence inside an unfortunate person so people used these long-necked bottles, stuck them up their backsides, and farted into them. The bottles were then sealed believing the demon was contained, unable to torment their former host or infiltrate anyone else's body. Kinda like "I Dream of Jeanie" only in a really bad way. I love history.

Girl Alive sent me this link titled, "The Fart That Almost Altered My Destiny" and warned I would LOL! Oh, she was so right. I had tears rolling down my cheeks:

http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/

Laughter is good.