Grief and Re-Grief

Many people emotionally recall traumatic experiences in their lives on the anniversary of the event. A time cue is the corresponding time that the event happened. It's not necessarily triggered on the exact day, but can be the same time of year, same season, same month or some random experience invoking the memory. The emotion can be as traumatic as the actual event, or just a hint of melancholy barely noticeable and unexplainable as the person carries on with everyday living.

My mother died on this day many years ago when I was young. It was a life changing experience that has left a hole in my heart every day since. Normally the day comes and goes and I don't think anything of it. A week before or month later I'll think, Hmmm, April, mom died this month and that's about it for my anniversary trauma recall. Well, that's what I've assumed anyway.

So, here it is April and it just now dawned on me for the last week I've been blogging about depression...despair...death.  Coincidental?  I find it very interesting my subconscious may have registered the time cue and trauma anniversary recall without me even knowing it. I wonder if this happens every year and I've never made the connection?  Our brains are amazing things...when they aren't being poisoned.

There is a theory that chemically sensitive people are missing enzymes that allow their bodies to detox properly. The research  documentation includes a list of about thirty or more reasons why a person might be missing or lacking these enzymes. Grief was one of them, and in fact, the only reason on the list that corresponded to my history. I don't know if the trauma of my mother's death has anything to do with losing enzymes or my chemical sensitivity, but with so little known about MCS, I won't discount anything.

WHY ME?

Or more importantly, why not you? Why are some people more sensitive to everyday chemicals and others not? There are many theories: some valid...some not so valid.

Most American Medical Association doctors will tell you it's a psychological condition. Yes, you're just crazy and you are causing this yourself.  They don't even need to tell you - you can see it in their eyes and their attitude. You WILL feel insane if you see too many of these "professionals" who are locked within the confines of their narrow minds and corporate boys' club mentality. Reading I might be insane, I spent too many days sitting in perfumed rooms or around smelly people trying to "heal" myself and re-train my brain into thinking there was no problem. I rationalized if it's all mental then I have control. My job was at risk along with my health and I was willing to accept any theory as long as it would help me. I would have done anything to fix it. I practiced visualization and mind control techniques while breathing in the poisons. Yes, I was fine, I told myself, until my lungs would stop working and I would run gasping to the nearest exit. Needless to say, mind over matter didn't work. It's not a mental condition.

I have heard some people have been told God is punishing them. This is so ignorant I can't even comment on it.

My favorite reason for being chemically sensitive...my mother's cousin told me it was because I was not married. She was a 75 year old retired nurse so this was a variation on the American Medical Association's insanity theory. She was also not married so I'm not exactly sure of her reasoning, but she had been married so I guess she must have thought she was better than me.

Most of your friends and relatives will tell you, for lack of a better idea and no understanding, they think it's your immune system not doing its job. This would make sense as our immune systems should guard us against illness, but this is not necessarily the case.  In fact, my immune system is hypersensitive and overactive. I was asked by an environmental specialist who was assessing my condition, "Are you sick all the time, or not at all?" Not at all. In fact I remember the day my whole system went into high alert. I could smell every tiny bit of lotion, shampoo, soap, and fragrance on each person who came within five feet of me. Whoa! It was surreal and shocking. My reaction time went from fifteen minutes or so to one breath of toxic air.  My immune system is working overtime trying to warn and protect me which is what our bodies are designed to do. Although inconvenient and at times frightening, I don't see it as a faulty immune system. I believe this is why people who have other health issues become chemically sensitive. Our bodies become defensive as they try to protect and heal themselves.  I haven't had a cold, flu or sore throat for eleven years. One of few benefits of being chemically sensitive.

In addition, research indicates some chemically sensitive might have damaged or missing enzymes that would normally allow us to detox the chemicals out of our bodies. Instead of flushing out naturally, they are stored until we are overloaded. The overloading creates the poisoning. Reducing this load is the primary goal of most MCS patients.

Research programs for MCS are hindered, especially university research, because most of it is financed by chemical companies, and well, chemical companies won't be funding any studies that might affect their bottom line. Until there is more research, we won't clearly understand why some people are extremely sensitive to everyday chemicals and others not.

What reasons have you been given?