"I'd Rather Smell Like a Man"

'Tis the season for home improvements, repairs, and general construction projects. There are a lot of things I can do around the house and I'm not one of those dainty things that's afraid to get her hands dirty, but there are some things I can't do. I'm not tall enough, strong enough, nor do I have the right tools most of the time. For instance, I can't hold a large, heavy power tool with a sharp spinning blade with one hand and a large, heavy piece of wood with the other. I can't carry a seven foot door nor can I chop up a large wooden slab of wood that's been used as a step to my shed for the last twenty years. I don't have a thirty-foot ladder to reach the top of my house. I can't even unscrew the hose that was screwed on tight by the last construction worker who was here five years ago. So this means I have to venture out of my fragrance-free environment and invite smelly people into my safe haven. Smelly men to be exact, because there aren't a whole lot of construction-worker women out there. Not something I look forward to....

Just getting quotes is a nightmare because once we've ascertained what I need done they can do, my second questions is, "Do you wear cologne?" Invariably they have no idea what I've asked. I'm not sure if it's because it's such a weird question out of left field their brain doesn't register it or if they just aren't listening to me. Or both. They often start babbling about something totally unrelated as I patiently try to make sense of what they are saying:

"Yes, I work alone and...."

"No, I charge standard prices, but...."

"I've done projects like that although...."

What did they think I asked? So I have to embarrass myself one more time and enunciate the question very clearly:

"DO YOU WEAR COLOGNE, PERFUME OR ANYTHING SCENTED????"

There are men who do wear cologne and because they want my money they will graciously assure me they will refrain from wearing it. Really? OK, so they won't bath in it that morning, but what about all that stink on their clothes? In their vehicle left over from the last perfume bath? The stink they can't smell because they are brain dead from toxic overexposure? I say, "Thanks, but no thanks."

There are men who claim they don't wear cologne but still arrive smelling like a toxic waste dump. It burns my sinuses and I have to ask them to leave or I don't notice it outside and when they come into my house I can faintly smell it as it pollutes my living space and have to spend hours air purify the rooms they entered. Sometimes this is deodorant, aftershave or laundry detergent and they have no clue this is also considered the anything scented I was referring to in the question.

There are men, however few, who don't smell at all. No cologne, no smelly deodorant, no aftershave, no laundry detergent. One told me when I ask the question, "Heck, no, I'd rather smell like a man." Hooray! You can stay!!! Sometimes I feel like I don't even care what they will charge or even if they know how to do construction work - I want to pay them just because they don't stink. I especially want to pay the men who understand the question so I don't have to repeat it again. That just screams smart to me.

The thought of hiring people for construction is extremely stressful besides worrying about being poisoned and having the ask the question. Can they do the job I need done? Are they competent at what they can do? Will they show up? Will they adjust the quote once they are here because they failed miserably at assessing the job in the first place? Will they blatantly try to rip me off because I am a single woman and they are male chauvinist pigs? These are situations I've experienced and I've found no matter how careful or conscientious I am, I get screwed. I think I have bad construction karma.


I haven't hired anyone for anything for about five years, and I was a little hesitant to start the process again. My neighbor suggested contacting a friend of hers and she called him for me. After quizzing him on the types of construction projects he was able to do, I asked the question. He started talking about something else, so I asked again. He said he didn't. No cologne. I invited him for a consultation and quote. Nope, no stink. He sounded really knowledgeable although he made it clear he wasn't licensed, it was to be work under the table, cash only and it needed to be done within the week because he had time off and was going back to work next week. He was cheap. He was fragrance-free. He said he would need to bring a friend to help on some of it which would make the job go faster. OK, make sure your friend is fragrance-free.

The job is postponed twice, first because I need time to find all the supplies he requested and another time because he was out of town for a prior commitment and returned too late. The whole time my brain is screaming at me CANCEL WHILE YOU CAN! I'm getting cold feet. Maybe he isn't as knowledgeable as he sounded? Maybe he'll do such a lousy job it will cost twice as much as the quote to fix it? He's unlicensed so hiring him is a huge liability. God, what was I thinking? I buy all the supplies anyway because it's been five years and I really need to get some of this stuff done. This is probably why I have bad construction karma - I'm so desperate to hire someone I ignore my instincts.

He shows up on time on the third scheduled day which is really rare in my experience so I take this as a good sign. His friend stinks of Axe deodorant. You ever smell that stench? I tell him he either needs to leave or he can wash it all off. He starts to try to negotiate about how he will stay away from me. NO, if you chose to stay on my property you will be fragrance-free. He opts to wash it all off since they drove an hour to get to my house and he does apologize explaining he normally wears unscented products. He doesn't stink after the wash and he brought an extra shirt. Thank god.

After that, everything worked out magnificently and I have to say I've never met such an outstanding carpenter nor have I seen such superb teamwork. Not only did they get my list of projects done in one day, the hourly total worked out to be less than the original quote. Watching them measure cedar shingles so they matched the existing wall pattern was pure art. Awesome.

The only mistake I made was giving the friend a towel to wash up with and I should have given him an old towel or rag I could throw away. The towel and the wash rag have been laundered four times and they still stink of Axe deodorant. I've had migraines, nausea and severe irritability for two days straight.

Now to get through dealing with the gutter repair guy...he's also fragrance-free, but he doesn't listen and because he doesn't listen he has already had to raise the quote which I don't appreciate. He claims I didn't tell him that. It's my fault, of course. And he thinks my name is "Lisa" although he's asked me several times. Hmmm. What is it about me that make men not want to listen to me?

If I get through this I'm done hiring construction workers for another five years!