My SFF

I used to shop all the time. Pre-chemical sensitivity I spent so much money at Nordstrom I'm surprised I don't own a stock majority. In an attempt to maintain my shopping habit, I even wrote Nordstrom letters about their stinky salespeople and smelly store. I once suggested moving the perfume counters to the top floor with state-of-the-art ventilation going out the ceiling. If 15% of the population are seriously fragrance-free, then that's 15% of the population who cannot shop at their store. You'd think they'd care. You would also think with a hundred or so employees working at one store they would at least restrict the amount of perfumes and colognes worn by the staff so the store doesn't smell like such a toxic waste dump. But they don't, so I don't...shop there.

Until today! This was the first time walking into a Nordstrom in ten years. I normally shop at cleaner smelling stores that have a variety of merchandise besides clothing and perfume. These stores can still be problematic, but for the most part there isn't a salesperson standing at every corner wanting to spray you with poison. Still, I can't find clothes that fit at these other stores and even if I do, everything is made in China. I'm also looking for a raincoat. Mine is fifteen years old and looks it, but try finding a raincoat not made in China. Grrrrrr.... So as a holiday reward after working for two months without a day off, I thought I'd go on a risk-taking adventure to Nordstrom.

Within ten minutes inside the door, my head started spinning, but the stench wasn't too bad.  I knew it would be the worst on the ground floor where the perfume counters were located so I headed upstairs immediately. I chose to go in the morning when it's fairly quiet with less people and less staff.


In one of the departments a incredibly perky young girl approached and asked if I need help. I immediately asked if she was wearing perfume. She stuttered a little, her perpetual smile quivered briefly, and said with squeaky cheerfulness, "Ah, no, but I do have lotion on." I assure you, I don't want her smelly lotion on the clothes I might buy so I asked her if there was anyone on the floor who was fragrance-free. I was hopeful, but realistic. I doubt it. My plan was to ask every salesperson I encountered. Eventually they would get the message they won't get a commission off me unless they are fragrance-free. My new mantra. And it rhymes!


Another young saleswoman approached me and asked if I needed help. If you understand the Nordstrom's sales process you know the key is to claim a salesperson as soon as possible to avoid being asked this question every five minutes. Thank you, someone is already helping me does the trick. Stealing another sales associate's customers will get you fired. Again with no expectation, I asked this girl if she was fragrance-free. YES! YES! SHE WAS! I almost hugged her! She told me when she was working at another Nordstrom location in a downtown area she had quite a few customers who were chemically sensitive. Hooray! I told her she was my salesperson of choice. My Salesgirl Fragrance Free. SFF.

I then explained I have a limited amount of time before all the stench would gang up on me and my tolerance would expire so we'd have to work fast. My preferences were natural fabrics, nothing made in China, preferably made in America, pants that fit and I was only going in the dressing room once. Go!

Nearly everything was made in China. I was disappointed. If I wanted Chinese manufactured clothing I'd shop at any number of cheap stores that aren't so smelly. This is Nordstrom. I expected a better class of clothing especially since the price is marked up 200% or more. You really had to search for the few items that were American-made and my time was limited.

My SFF found me jeans. Who invented stretchy jeans!? Good gracious I have been missing out all these years! And made in America!

We kept moving swiftly through the racks, my SFF and I, like a well-rehearsed team, reading tags, flipping hangers, murmuring hmmm and growling China.

Then SFF found me a raincoat! Bright red and not made in China. Not made in America either, but I don't know if it's possible to find an American-made raincoat. I've been looking for years. My SFF is wonderful.


SFF snagged me a dressing room in the lingerie department. She said that department has the least amount of salespeople and not as busy. She selected a room way at the end of the hall so smelly people wouldn't be constantly walking by. I love my SFF! As I tried clothes on, she brought me in more. Most of them were ugly, but that's how SFF was learning what I liked and didn't like.

Feeling quite satisfied, accomplished, and brave with a minimal amount of coughing, I decided drool over shoes. Unfortunately, shoes are downstairs right next to the perfumes. My SFF volunteered to go with me to help. Cha-ching. She was counting her commission. Smart SFF. Having once been a Nordstrom employee myself, I knew she couldn't help me in shoe department because it takes special training and knowledge to find merchandise in the stockroom. It's a jungle back there. And the shoe salespeople are very possessive. You don't wander out of your department and into the shoe department unless you had a death wish. SFF was a little nervous so I guessed she was new, but not totally oblivious to the rules. I spied some cool boots and asked my SFF about them. As we were discussing the pros and cons of style, a shoe salesperson approached me, glared at my SFF, and asked if I needed help. SFF looked frightened. I asked the woman, "Are you wearing perfume?" She squinted her eyes at me, defiantly placed one hand on her hip, and replied, "Yes."

I replied, "No, thank you." I turned to my SFF and said I would probably need to go to another store for shoes where people aren't wearing perfume.

Sarcastic shoe saleslady said with a smug sneer, "But it's Brad Pitt's favorite perfume!"

Is she serious? WHO CARES? Who would ever care what kind of perfume the Pitt would like? Is that really why she bought it? Does she think Brad Pitt will walk into this Nordstrom, give up his very fertile girlfriend who looks like a starving mannequin (that's "dummy" in French) and their twenty kids and run away with her because she was wearing his favorite stink?

 

My annoyed alter ego took over. I replied with a look that matched if not exceeded her sneer, "Brad Pitt is an idiot." Yeah, I know that was unnecessarily mean, but it had been at least a half hour or more smelling toxic air and my brain was feeling irritable. When being poisoned, the MCSer can't possibly be responsible for rude comments.

 

Too smelly to stay, SFF and I quickly relocated to the less toxic upstairs lingerie department where she rang up my purchases. She suggested I call her anytime and she would mail me merchandise with free shipping. So nice of her, but I told her I've tried that before and Nordstrom's merchandise is scented so I'd rather not. As I departed, I yelled back at her loud enough for everyone to hear, "And again, thank you so much for not wearing perfume or scented lotion. I so appreciate it." All the other salesgirls hung their heads in shame.

Well, I learned Nordstroms hasn't changed. They still stink. But I now possess a pair of stretchy, girdle-tight jeans and a new raincoat...and a non-stop cough and headache. Prior to my self-imposed exile, I would have run gasping from the store unable to breath and sick for a week. I'm not sure if the exile, my much healthier diet, or the lack of exposure has improved my reaction time and symptoms, but I'm glad I survived. It was worth it.

Now how do I unscent these extremely stinky purchases?

Merry Christmas to me!