Revelation: Older Women/Younger Men

Today I am pondering the young, gorgeous, grocery god I gazed upon at the co-op a few days ago. In my recent search for menopausal truth, I discovered many new learnings. The most revelatory was why older women are attracted to younger men.

I've always liked younger men. When I was twelve I had a crush on a nine-year old. Three-year age differences aren't a big of deal unless you are in sixth grade and he is in third grade then it's unthinkable. Although I was probably more emotionally and physically mature, sex wasn't even in our vocabulary. He was taller, stronger,  smarter, blonder and tanner. He also lived across the street so it was more of a case of proximity. We spent a lot of time together outside of school, running through fields, trail-blazing in the woods, building forts, and tormenting our younger siblings. It felt incredibly natural at the time, although at school this age difference was taboo.  I would have never bragged about it to my twelve-year-old girlfriends, yet he was far more fun than they were.

Fast forward to the future and my mid-life college years. He was twenty-one. I was thirty. Again, proximity is to blame. We had classes together, both majoring in education, discovered a mutual love of hiking right before a summer break and spent the whole summer backpacking together. I certainly didn't plan a relationship with a kid just outside his teen years. My dad called him "the twelve-year-old" just to torment me. I found the teasing not only irritating, but irrational since my dad was married to a woman half his age. He didn't see the contradiction nor recognize the sexism.

A few years later I dated another adorable twenty-something. I heard through the family gossip one of my snide relatives wondered aloud, "So, which junior high did she find him at?" Amidst the constant disrespectful teasing and humiliation I questioned my attraction and even my sanity. Some of my relatives accused me of feeling old and thinking a younger man would make me feel young. Hmmm...no. This was pre-MCS so I was feeling pretty young at the time. Younger men can be quite gorgeous and youth IS attractive, no doubt. But is that it? Am I that superficial? Or am I immature? I pondered long and hard trying to justify if all the harassment was worth it.

First, I was selective. The younger men I dated were intelligent and fairly mature as well as fun, energetic, and free-spirited. We usually shared common interests like hiking, backpacking, camping, kayaking, scuba diving, and music, and their sense of adventure made them very opened-minded to new experiences. They rarely complained of bad backs or painful joints, and they didn't have prior entanglements like ex-wives or older children that always took priority.

More importantly, I liked that younger men were less controlling. In fact, they would do whatever I wanted. I called the shots. I had the power. Older men, on the other hand, were set in their ways and incredibly manipulative. They were in charge and we did what they wanted. My opinion was of no concern. Constant fighting for a voice wasn't fun. Older men always wanted to get married, too. A more permanent state of control was expected from their generation.

Younger men didn't stink. Their natural body odor usually didn't smell badly and if they even considered wearing cologne or smelly body spray, I'd put my foot down and they'd immediately comply. Younger men also remembered not to wear anything stinky. Memory isn't a problem for a younger man and it was as if I was important enough for them to listen to me and pay attention. Telling older men they can't stink and they perceive it as a threat. There is something to be said for the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" and you can't change years of nasty habits. They would show up for the next date bathed in stink, feel miffed when I frowned, demand everything is fine, and let me know I should get over myself. I was often treated as a disappointment and my disobedience in need of retraining. I wasn't meek and subservient enough.

I found it strange that my habit of younger men was so repulsive in our culture, but an older man with a younger woman is not only sanctioned, but envied. Society just smiles and claims the man is going through a mid-life crisis. Other men nod their approval and see him as a role model. Who wants to be with an older woman when they can have a young, attractive, compliant girl?

In my twenties, I did go through a stage where I was the younger woman. At the time older men seemed more thoughtful and romantic, as well as employed and stable. They liked going to fancy restaurants and getting dressed up for cultural outings. There was a certain security in our age difference and being young and silly, I liked having someone tell me what to do and how to think. At the time too many boys my age didn't have jobs, drove barely functioning cars, and didn't want to do anything but drink and avoid taking baths so a more mature partner was preferred. Then I grew up....

Granted, times are changing. Now we have "cougars" and "tadpoles" and the idea of strong women dating gorgeous young men isn't as repulsive. Older women have income and with age this gives them power. This has its own disadvantages. However, find online articles about this age difference and the comment section still disapproves. Especially if the woman LOOKS old or isn't as attractive as the younger man then everyone is judgmental. She's obviously taking advantage of him. Youth and beauty still rule and hags are evil. In many indigenous cultures the pairing of a younger man with an older woman is standard practice and not taboo. The older woman is considered the respected teacher. The last twenty-five year old that asked me out I told him he was too young for me. He replied a bit confused, "I'm surprised age would matter to you." He was right. We did have a lot in common and he made me laugh. I was embarrassed society's opinion had taken its toll. Don't tempt me, young cute thing!

So as I'm reading various books on menopause and sexuality I'm finding information on hormones. Our hormone production declines in old age. I think most of us know that. Young women are saturated with estrogen which makes them soft, sweet, nurturing, cuddly, and fertile. Younger men are flooded with testosterone which makes them energetic, aggressive, not so fond of cuddling and always ready to reproduce. The sexual peak for young men is twenty-two. Other than the reproduction potential, the sexes are in opposition.

Older women have less estrogen and more testosterone. This imbalance makes them more energetic, more aggressive, and more authoritarian. Their sexual peak is around thirty-five years old. They know what they want. Old men, on the other hand, lose testosterone and this imbalance makes them more emotional and cuddly. Sexual role reversal with aging is our natural inclination. The age difference we seek is merely our natural tendency to match our hormonal changes and new-found personalities to new partners. Divorce rates are highest in later years because of this. Older women are more compatible with younger men, and older men are more compatible with younger women. It has nothing to do with older people seeking younger partners to feel younger. Older men and younger women like to cuddle. Younger men and older women like to, well...be energetic.

Fascinating. I'm enjoying the idea of aging more and more. It makes me feel brave. Like a cougar.

Call me Yatna...