Santy Claws is the Wily Coyote

At 2 am right on the mark, Santy Claws is making noise. No more scratching. It sounds like something tapping on wood. When the noise stops, I get out of bed and look out the window to see if he's found my trap. I don't see him. I get impatient so I venture outside.

I hate going outside in the middle of the night with all the sharp-fanged wild beasts running around. I arm myself with a flashlight and head up the side of the house to the front. I SEE SANTY CLAWS! He's running the perimeter of my fence and coming toward me. AWAY from the trap. Drats! Again, he's blinded by my flashlight so he doesn't understand I'm connected to it. It's so freaky to have a wild beast running toward you. He runs behind one of my sheds and disappears. Hmmm...I need him to go the other way. To the trap.

I don't understand why the trap wasn't attractive, but I also wonder where the hell he went. I walk around the to other side of the shed and I heard a noise. Is he IN the shed? I have an open entrance for Peter, although Peter never uses it. I block the entrance. I get closer to the back of the shed and I can see Santy Claws between shed and the fence facing out away from me. I think he's looking for me and wondering if it's safe to leave. I scare him out and he runs away, along the perimeter of the fence and again, past the trap and disappears again. Damn.

I go back into the house and watch from the living room window because he's over by the trap and I don't want to stress him so he forgets he's hungry. Here comes Santy again, right past the trap. He totally ignores it. This makes me mad!

I head back outside to the front yard, he's slowly and cautiously waddling again around the perimeter of the fence toward me. I make some noise and he waddles at little faster. What do I do? Oddly enough, I have a cage over one of my plants to keep Peter from eating it. Ah ha! I grab the cage and as Santy is coming around the bend I THROW the cage on top of him!!

It would have worked wonderfully but he was in the garden and the mounds of dirt are not level so he quickly escaped through a space under the cage. He runs behind the shed again, but this time he totally disappears.

Now I have to say, I had a very large stick in my hands. It's actually the handle to an old shovel so it's less like stick and more like a bat. My weapon-stick. I could have beaten the life out of Santy Claws. Well, actually, I couldn't have. As frustrating as he is, there is a weird cuteness about him I rather like. This may change. It would be in his best interest to get into my trap voluntarily.

I decide the peanut butter isn't attractive enough so I open a can of tuna, take the juice and splash it on the ramp and in the garbage can. I go back to the shed hoping he's back to his hiding tricks, but he's not anywhere.

In the house I can hear him under the house again making tapping sounds! I think there must be a hole behind the shed that goes under and comes out under the house? Hmmm...I wonder if he's using some unknown underground system? I once dug up the garden right next to the shed in preparation for potatoes. For potatoes one needs to dig deep and about a foot down I discovered a huge hole, tunnel to be exact. I was told we have a problem with Thompson voles in this area. I guess they are like a cross between a rat and a mole and they tunnel under gardens to get from place to place, snacking on roots as they go. Creepy. At the time I poured garlic, onion, cayenne pepper into the tunnel and filled it with gravel. Did Santy Claws find an entrance and claim the passage way as his own?

I watch for him to come back out...he's got to be attracted to that tuna. Eventually. Hopefully before it rains again.

He's now  tormenting me with his incessant tapping. It's only 4am. One more hour before he retires for the night.

Damn...foiled again.

I'm not giving up! I think tomorrow I'll remove all the chicken wire since he can get under the house anyway. This might give him easier access to the trap.  The plan now is not so much to keep him out from under the house since he has secret passage ways, but to get him in the trap.

I am determined.

Note: At daylight I'll add some photos.

The Return of Santy Claws

As expected, Santy Claus returned Christmas morning at 5am. Twice on Christmas and he still didn't leave me any toys!

I need to get rid of him. Opossums are creatures of habit and I have a feeling he's made himself right at home and will return all the time to check if there is an opening. Or he'll make an opening. I'd also like to someday remove all that chicken wire and boards so it doesn't look so horrible.

While researching animal traps online, I read quite a bit on how easy opossums are to catch. They aren't real fast, smart or agile. When caged, as long as you don't scare them senseless causing them to hiss and defend themselves, they will sit quietly pretending they aren't there. There are videos online of kids catching opossums and try as they might they can hardly get the thing out of the cage to release it because it's cowering in a corner. I also read mothers with babies transport them in and out of their hidding places in her pouch or hanging off her back so they won't be separated.

On a website featuring how to make a homemade box trap, one commenter gave an easy trapping option using your garbage can. I'm intrigued! Directions:

1.) Set the garbage can where you know the opossum will travel.

2.) Place a board up the side of the garbage can as a ramp. Make sure it is long enough and strong enough to hold the opossum.

Yummy peanut butter.

3.) Put bait inside the garbage can: fish, ripe fruit, peanut butter. They like smelly stuff. I'm using peanut butter.

4.) Wait. They only come out at night.

The opossum will smell the food, crawl up the board, climb in and he can't get out! They aren't jumpers and the sides of the garbage can are too slick for them to latch on to anything and crawl out.

5.) Put the garbage can lid on top and relocate him far away.

So I'm going to give it a try! Problem around here is it rains too much so finding a dry spot to put the can is impossible. I've remedied it a bit by putting the can in the corner of the garden right next to the fence and hanging some plastic over. Might help a little. The fence also supports the board so it won't fall over when Santy Claus is crawling in. I know he likes this corner of the garden because it's his toilet. Grrrrr....

The things I do for entertainment!

Creatures Are Stirring...But It's Not a Mouse!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Twas the night before Christmas...This began a few weeks ago when leaving extra early for my morning walk, at 5am, I encountered a very large rodent-looking visitor outside my house. I chased him down the driveway and around the corner, but I've been living in the country long enough to know that would only be the beginning of the Winter War. I became watchful, paranoid, ready to defend my home against all intruders. Opossums included.

I once saw a cat disappear under my house. For a long time I didn't realize it was a convenient shortcut to the other side of the property to slither under the shingles through a small opening hidden from view above the brick skirting. When I first bought the house I hired someone to nail screening underneath it so small animals couldn't get in. Unfortunately, he couldn't put enough screening at the crawlspace entrance or no one could get in for maintenance. When I saw the cat still using the opening, I ended up stuffing deer netting up under the shingles at that spot as a precautionary measure and adding a board in hopes of blocking the entrance.

Problem with this half-assed solution is it gave opossum something to play with, a challenge. I didn't realize this until the early morning hours on the day before Christmas when I heard scratch, scratch, scratch outside my window.

At first light I checked and the netting was adjusted just so and the noise I heard must have been from opossum scratching his way up the board and under the shingles.

All day yesterday I worried about what opossum might be doing underneath the house: destroying my heat vents for warmth, making a nice cozy bed out of the insulation, camping in the furnace? Although I knew what time he went in for bed, I had no idea what time he awoke. As soon as the sun went down, I was watching the driveway. Every hour I'd grab my flashlight, raincoat, rain boots and head outside into the cold. Nice way to spend Christmas eve.

At 2 am I wake to scratch, scratch, scratch. This is it! Creatures ARE stirring! I quietly grabbed the flashlight and ran outside. I can see where he has moved the netting. OH! THERE HE IS! Santy Claws has come to town!

Oh! You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why, Santy Claws is coming to town.... This song has a whole new meaning for me now as I'm watching out, crying, and pouting about having rodents living with me!

 

Santy Claws (I think he's a "he", hopefully not a she with babies or she'll be more than determined to get back under the house!) was waddling away from the newly opened entrance about five feet down the driveway. I turned my flashlight on him and hissed hoping to expedite his exit, but it scared him, the light blinded him, he turns toward me and runs at me back to the entrance! Didn't expect that! If he gets back under the house, I might not get another chance! I run at him and meet him only one foot from where he came out and before he can jump in, I hit him on his snout with the flashlight! Santy Claws backs away and hightails it down the driveway away from the house.

This is my chance! I grab the chicken wire and unroll it across the whole side of the house, placing boards, boulders and heavy post pieces strategically along so he can't get under or over. Of course, I'm frantically getting this done in the pouring rain, in my pajamas, without a raincoat because I was in too much of a hurry.

Then I double checked the rest of the house. I did this earlier and didn't see anything, but I wanted to make sure as this was my only chance to barricade knowing (hoping) he wasn't under the house. I took more chicken wire and placed it around my deck. There is already lattice around, but Santy Claws isn't very big, maybe an adolescent, so I wanted to make sure he can't squeeze through somewhere. Heaven help me if he somehow slithered under the house on the far side before I got there and I've trapped him in!

More concentration-camp decor...

We'll see if that works.  Opossums aren't rats, but marsupials. You'd think he'd be a good friend for Peter. I've heard opossums not only kill chickens, but will go after a rabbit. Not on my watch! Peter is actually bigger than Santy Claws, but Peter doesn't have his sharp claws and fangs. If this doesn't deter Santy Claws, I'll have to invest in a trap and ship him far, far away.

 

All my neighbors have traps. One of them told me he awoke one night and found baby opossums in bed with him! I was hoping to move before I saw the need to purchase a trap, but I can also use it for raccoons and the neighbor's cat. Perhaps the time has come. A trap might be a cheaper solution to keep the cats out of my garden than all this chicken wire I use.


Can I go back to bed now?

What a way to spend Christmas!

My SFF

I used to shop all the time. Pre-chemical sensitivity I spent so much money at Nordstrom I'm surprised I don't own a stock majority. In an attempt to maintain my shopping habit, I even wrote Nordstrom letters about their stinky salespeople and smelly store. I once suggested moving the perfume counters to the top floor with state-of-the-art ventilation going out the ceiling. If 15% of the population are seriously fragrance-free, then that's 15% of the population who cannot shop at their store. You'd think they'd care. You would also think with a hundred or so employees working at one store they would at least restrict the amount of perfumes and colognes worn by the staff so the store doesn't smell like such a toxic waste dump. But they don't, so I don't...shop there.

Until today! This was the first time walking into a Nordstrom in ten years. I normally shop at cleaner smelling stores that have a variety of merchandise besides clothing and perfume. These stores can still be problematic, but for the most part there isn't a salesperson standing at every corner wanting to spray you with poison. Still, I can't find clothes that fit at these other stores and even if I do, everything is made in China. I'm also looking for a raincoat. Mine is fifteen years old and looks it, but try finding a raincoat not made in China. Grrrrrr.... So as a holiday reward after working for two months without a day off, I thought I'd go on a risk-taking adventure to Nordstrom.

Within ten minutes inside the door, my head started spinning, but the stench wasn't too bad.  I knew it would be the worst on the ground floor where the perfume counters were located so I headed upstairs immediately. I chose to go in the morning when it's fairly quiet with less people and less staff.


In one of the departments a incredibly perky young girl approached and asked if I need help. I immediately asked if she was wearing perfume. She stuttered a little, her perpetual smile quivered briefly, and said with squeaky cheerfulness, "Ah, no, but I do have lotion on." I assure you, I don't want her smelly lotion on the clothes I might buy so I asked her if there was anyone on the floor who was fragrance-free. I was hopeful, but realistic. I doubt it. My plan was to ask every salesperson I encountered. Eventually they would get the message they won't get a commission off me unless they are fragrance-free. My new mantra. And it rhymes!


Another young saleswoman approached me and asked if I needed help. If you understand the Nordstrom's sales process you know the key is to claim a salesperson as soon as possible to avoid being asked this question every five minutes. Thank you, someone is already helping me does the trick. Stealing another sales associate's customers will get you fired. Again with no expectation, I asked this girl if she was fragrance-free. YES! YES! SHE WAS! I almost hugged her! She told me when she was working at another Nordstrom location in a downtown area she had quite a few customers who were chemically sensitive. Hooray! I told her she was my salesperson of choice. My Salesgirl Fragrance Free. SFF.

I then explained I have a limited amount of time before all the stench would gang up on me and my tolerance would expire so we'd have to work fast. My preferences were natural fabrics, nothing made in China, preferably made in America, pants that fit and I was only going in the dressing room once. Go!

Nearly everything was made in China. I was disappointed. If I wanted Chinese manufactured clothing I'd shop at any number of cheap stores that aren't so smelly. This is Nordstrom. I expected a better class of clothing especially since the price is marked up 200% or more. You really had to search for the few items that were American-made and my time was limited.

My SFF found me jeans. Who invented stretchy jeans!? Good gracious I have been missing out all these years! And made in America!

We kept moving swiftly through the racks, my SFF and I, like a well-rehearsed team, reading tags, flipping hangers, murmuring hmmm and growling China.

Then SFF found me a raincoat! Bright red and not made in China. Not made in America either, but I don't know if it's possible to find an American-made raincoat. I've been looking for years. My SFF is wonderful.


SFF snagged me a dressing room in the lingerie department. She said that department has the least amount of salespeople and not as busy. She selected a room way at the end of the hall so smelly people wouldn't be constantly walking by. I love my SFF! As I tried clothes on, she brought me in more. Most of them were ugly, but that's how SFF was learning what I liked and didn't like.

Feeling quite satisfied, accomplished, and brave with a minimal amount of coughing, I decided drool over shoes. Unfortunately, shoes are downstairs right next to the perfumes. My SFF volunteered to go with me to help. Cha-ching. She was counting her commission. Smart SFF. Having once been a Nordstrom employee myself, I knew she couldn't help me in shoe department because it takes special training and knowledge to find merchandise in the stockroom. It's a jungle back there. And the shoe salespeople are very possessive. You don't wander out of your department and into the shoe department unless you had a death wish. SFF was a little nervous so I guessed she was new, but not totally oblivious to the rules. I spied some cool boots and asked my SFF about them. As we were discussing the pros and cons of style, a shoe salesperson approached me, glared at my SFF, and asked if I needed help. SFF looked frightened. I asked the woman, "Are you wearing perfume?" She squinted her eyes at me, defiantly placed one hand on her hip, and replied, "Yes."

I replied, "No, thank you." I turned to my SFF and said I would probably need to go to another store for shoes where people aren't wearing perfume.

Sarcastic shoe saleslady said with a smug sneer, "But it's Brad Pitt's favorite perfume!"

Is she serious? WHO CARES? Who would ever care what kind of perfume the Pitt would like? Is that really why she bought it? Does she think Brad Pitt will walk into this Nordstrom, give up his very fertile girlfriend who looks like a starving mannequin (that's "dummy" in French) and their twenty kids and run away with her because she was wearing his favorite stink?

 

My annoyed alter ego took over. I replied with a look that matched if not exceeded her sneer, "Brad Pitt is an idiot." Yeah, I know that was unnecessarily mean, but it had been at least a half hour or more smelling toxic air and my brain was feeling irritable. When being poisoned, the MCSer can't possibly be responsible for rude comments.

 

Too smelly to stay, SFF and I quickly relocated to the less toxic upstairs lingerie department where she rang up my purchases. She suggested I call her anytime and she would mail me merchandise with free shipping. So nice of her, but I told her I've tried that before and Nordstrom's merchandise is scented so I'd rather not. As I departed, I yelled back at her loud enough for everyone to hear, "And again, thank you so much for not wearing perfume or scented lotion. I so appreciate it." All the other salesgirls hung their heads in shame.

Well, I learned Nordstroms hasn't changed. They still stink. But I now possess a pair of stretchy, girdle-tight jeans and a new raincoat...and a non-stop cough and headache. Prior to my self-imposed exile, I would have run gasping from the store unable to breath and sick for a week. I'm not sure if the exile, my much healthier diet, or the lack of exposure has improved my reaction time and symptoms, but I'm glad I survived. It was worth it.

Now how do I unscent these extremely stinky purchases?

Merry Christmas to me!

Why?

Question of the Week: Who shoots a classroom of six year old children?

In the media we are seeing all kinds of assumed psychological profiles from mental health professionals trying to make sense of the senseless acts of the twenty year old who murdered a classroom of first graders as well as teachers and staff. They are saying he had a "personality disorder" or he was "mentally ill". And what about the shooter in the theater in Aurora, Colorado? Or the teenage killers at Columbine? Or the numerous other random acts of violence since the 1970s? Mental illness is the all-encompassing, easy answer. As soon as it is said, everyone nods and accepts. It's the "not-like-me" excuse that offers little explanation but gives us some rationality knowing no one in their right mind would do such a thing.

The latest article questioning why addresses all kinds of blame theories: lack of gun control, not enough guns, better options for parents with mentally ill children, media's role glorifying murderers, violence in video games, violence on television and movies, lack of religion in schools. Everyone has a theory:

http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/newtown-connecticut-mass-shootings-blame-192700959.html

All these theories seem to add a different piece to the puzzle pointing to modern society as the culprit. There is only one theory missing and it can only come from someone with first hand experiences with chemical sensitivity.

A few years ago my fourteen year old neighbor committed suicide. I hardly knew him but for months with tears in my eyes I thought about him each day. Everyone in our little community wondered why? Did we miss the signs? Could this have been prevented?

In addition to asking why? I also asked why didn't he shoot anyone else? Why would I even ask such a question? Maybe because I'm an ex-teacher. I've seen rage in the classroom in the faces of the young and I have experiences with students who threaten to bring a gun to school to kill everyone. More importantly, I recognize the epidemic.

You might vaguely remember me mentioning this neighbor boy in my post titled "Chocolate is Evil". He was the one suffering from migraines at ten years old. The day I met him he was home from school and there was a large chocolate cake with bright red and blue frosting on the kitchen counter half eaten. His mother laughed when I suggest she keep chocolate and food colorings out of his diet. What I didn't tell you is I went home after our visit and told a health care professional friend of mine he was showing signs of chemical sensitivity at a very early age. I worried what will happen when he reaches puberty and his hormones, stress levels, and chemical exposures collide creating a volatile mix. I told my friend his mother won't take it seriously until he attempts suicide. This was not said in jest as I know how chemical-laced food and other toxic exposures can mess up a brain, but at the same time, I didn't take my own comment as seriously as I should have. For several years I would see this boy walking down the street looking sullen and angry. I never saw him smiling, looking calm or happy. I wondered.


After he died, everyone wondered WHY? Not me. I wondered why when he got home after his mother forced him to walk two miles to get there as punishment, he walked straight upstairs came back downstairs with his shotgun and shot himself in the head in front of his house for the whole neighborhood to see. I wondered what provokes that kind of self-destructive, public rage? He didn't shoot himself in the seclusion of the garage, the backyard, or in a private room. It wasn't some secret, hidden torment. It screamed RAGE. I wondered if his mother was wearing copious amounts of perfume as she often did. I wondered if he had sugary, chemically-colored cereal for breakfast, drank caffeinated beverages or ate chocolate earlier that day as teenagers so often do without any thought. I wondered why he didn't shoot his mother first and THEN kill himself.


Most MCSers tell me they have brain issues. Exposure to chemicals and their brain reacts badly. Uncontrollable irritability and unfounded anger. Those of us aware of the effects of chemicals know exactly what's causing it even if we can't control it other than exposure avoidance. What about those who have no clue what causes it and have been told they must have a mental illness?  A personality disorder? Depression? Bipolar illness? So many of our diagnosable mental illnesses are misunderstood and lack any reasoning or known cause. No one can say for sure what causes them and those who attempt to point the finger at chemicals are labeled as unconventional quacks.

Many of the chemically sensitive also suffer from respiratory dysfunction, anaphylaxis, and/or other debilitating symptoms. If we weren't stopped in our tracks with a debilitating symptom, how many of us would effortlessly escalate to rage? Is this epidemic of violence due to chemical sensitivity? Are these shooters experiencing uncontrollable, irrational rage due to chemical exposures? I find it interesting the lists of historical random acts of violence start in the 1970s, the beginning of the drug culture and fast food nation. Did shootings at schools, malls and theaters happen before the 1970s?

Modern medicine ignores chemical sensitivity. Instead of finding answers, we are told it's all in our heads.  How many of us are told to seek psychiatric care or have been diagnosed with some kind of mental illness because the doctor was so narrow-minded? I've learned anytime a doctor says "I don't know" the answer is chemicals. So...if we ask why someone would shoot a classroom of children and no one has a valid reason, is the answer...chemicals?

Is mental illness the easy, all-encompassing answer to a much bigger, more deadly problem? Is society being poisoned with the chemicals and rage is the by-product? Are the reasons for random acts of violence and unexplained suicides right in front of our faces? The chemicals we breathe, toxins we touch, and the poisons we eat? If we blame mental illness can we continue as a society to not be responsible for the problem?

Why does a person shoot a classroom of small children?

Ocean Adventures Part Twelve: I DID IT!

 

Today was my twelfth and last ocean adventure for my 2012 New Year's Resolution. Perhaps the only resolution I've made that I kept all year. It wasn't always easy, but I did it!

 

Hooray!

 

 

 

It was rainy, gray, and uneventful.

 

 

Desolate, quiet, and peaceful.

 

Cold, breezy, and wet.

 

All this driftwood was piled up on the beach from the last storm.

 

I always wonder what it's like here in the middle of a storm with dead trees flying around.

 

 

I did it! Resolution is over.

(Actually this is my 13th visit, but when I went clam digging I didn't take a camera.)

Fish Soup (Recipe)

I tweaked another former favorite recipe. Another way to eat fish. This one was originally called Fish and Pasta Chowder, but it tastes just as good without pasta.

 

 

6 ounces of white fish (I used cod fillets that were frozen.)
2-3 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 onion, sliced or diced
1 large carrot, sliced
1/2 red pepper, sliced
1/4 cup parsley, minced
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon dried tarragon
4 grape tomatoes, sliced in half
5 cups of water

In a large pot over medium heat, sautee the onion, carrot, red pepper, parsley,  black pepper, and dried tarragon in olive oil until onion is slightly limp, maybe five minutes. Add water and tomatoes. Bring to a boil on medium-high heat and simmer for five minutes. Add fish and cook until fish is opaque, about ten minutes.

The tomatoes are a cheat. The recipe calls for tomato juice. Any kind of tomato is not on the Paleo/Hashimoto's diet. Clam juice is also part of the recipe, and not on the diet. I also wonder if clam juice might have some gluten in it. I don't know that for sure. I could do without the clam juice, but I wasn't sure if leaving out the tomatoes would make it taste too bland and I have a small container of grape tomatoes in my freezer from my garden. As it was, the tomatoes gave it a nice sauce. It was perfect. Next time I'll try it without tomatoes.

This made about 3-4 bowls.

Yum.

Update: It's not as good without tomatoes...I guess this a Paleo recipe, rather than a Paleo/Hashimoto's!

fml...

Text messaging drives me nuts. Don't get me wrong! I don't own a brain-cancer-causing cell phone or smartphone or Blackberry thing or whatever. But I do live on email so all of my correspondence is typed which means subversives are typing back at me - in a different language. Most of the time I have no idea what they are saying.

Just before I quit teaching, kids started thinking it was cool to spell everything phonetically. Phat, anotha, shaddup, whatcha, biatch. Even that was easier than initials for each word. At least you could painstakingly sound out the gobbly-gook and still make sense of what someone was writing IF you read it really, really slowly.

Text messaging is a different language. Initials stand for whole words. It's a matter of keeping an urban dictionary at your side, look up each foreign letter combination, then memorize them. Heaven help you if the writer just can't spell. There are few I use myself, like: LOL, but even then I prefer hahaha, hehehehe, or HA!  I know BTW, but I do remember the first few times seeing it and wondering what it meant and then questioning why people were too lazy to spell by the way. It's not that long of a phrase. LMFAO. I know what that means, but again I opt for the ha-ha's. I know as much texting language as I do...Japanese.

It makes me ponder how text messaging will affect the literacy of children in the future? Many, many years ago I worked for an airline who used all kinds of initials for expedient communication. LAX, SFO, JFK...I had every major city in the world memorized, along with all kinds of abbreviations for common airline procedures. PNR, ETA, ETD, STDBY, KML...The longer I worked at that job, the worse my spelling became. A supervisor warned me that was just one of the disadvantages. Long term disadvantages. I never have fully recuperated. So what happens to this generation of children? Is it the start of a new language? Or the disintegration of the old one? It's bad enough the art of letter-writing is dead, but now whole words are disappearing. Forget sentence structure.

My sixteen-year-old niece emailed me a few weeks ago. I haven't had contact with her for a while so I was really excited.  Eager to get to know her teen-self, I emailed her what was literally a FULL page of questions and comments hoping she'd respond with information. Her response:

yeaschool2morowlistentomanypurple spagetti awh!...2cute

It looks like something a spammer would send. She sort of answered two questions from a list of twenty or so. I was disappointed to say the least. I wanted real dialogue. A friend of mine who has a teenager told me to be thankful I could make out whole words and she's meeting me halfway between full-blown proper English and texting.

A day later my niece writes:

freezing buslate fml

fml? fml?  I race to the online urban dictionary...fuck my life

You know, I have to say I like that one. I try to be positive, but that one has just enough cynicism and makes me laugh at the same time. It's reminds me of my best friend when I was a teenager. Every other sentence was Life's a bitch. Or if she was feeling particularly verbose, Life's a bitch and then you die.

At one point my niece ended a sentence with eorl and I raced to my urban dictionary unable to find it. I emailed her apologizing for my old age and my texting-impairment explaining I didn't understand. She must have felt badly for abusing the elderly for then she graced me with whole-ish sentences:

I think I meant something else don't worry I understand

She spelled the word wrong. HAHAHA, oops, I mean LOL.

Surviving the Holidays

 

The holidays are here! Woe to those who are chemically sensitive.  It doesn't matter if you celebrate Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Al Hijra, Hanukkah, Ashura, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, it's human inclination to want to join together in merriment. That means lots of people and lots of stink. Here are my Top Ten Tips for surviving the holidays:

1.) Don't go shopping for gifts. Buy them online and have them sent directly. Or buy gift cards and mail them. Better yet, don't contribute to the materialism of the season. Make mementos or give IOUs for things like massages, house-cleaning projects, car washing, or other helpful acts of kindness. Or donate to charities in the name of your friend or relative to feed the hungry or give basic necessities to the poor. We own too much.

2.) If you plan to murder and waste a living tree, get an organic one that hasn't been sprayed with pesticides or preserved with pine-scented fresheners. Or better find a little fake tree so you can use it every year. No wait, they are usually made from plastics or chemicals. Even better, go outside, pick up one of the many branches that broke off in the last storm and decorate it. The Swiss have a tradition of putting a Christmas tree on top at the apex of a newly constructed house frame as a symbol of happiness to come. It's just a stick with a few decorations, but the meaning is enormous. Do we need a ten foot tall, freshly murdered tree to symbolize our materialism and bad taste? If you need the fresh scent of pine,  gather pine branches from your neighbor's pine tree that's in pieces all over your yard. There are benefits to winter storms! Be grateful. Make a wreath while you are at it!


3.) Christmas lights. Oh, I love Christmas lights. Do you know the plastic used to cover the wires is made with lead? Check the box or packaging the lights came in as there is often a warning. CAUTION: Prop 65 WARNING: Handling the coated electrical wires of this product exposes you to lead, a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects and other reproductive harm. Wash hands after use. Who would have thought? You don't want to eat any fudge with bare, unwashed hands after handling twinkle lights. In addition, when this plastic gets old it starts to disintegrate and the lead flakes off creating a dust all over. I guess most of us should feel lucky only in the State of California is lead hazardous. Does that mean everyone else's lights are safe?

 

 

4.) Don't buy Christmas cards or stand in line at the post office with smelly people for stamps and mailings. Instead, there are many websites for ecard deliveries or make your own Christmas letter with embedded photos. Email doesn't involve licking scented adhesives on stamps or envelopes.




5.) Don't go to people's houses for holiday dinners or you risk being poisoned and disappointed. Invite them to come to your house scent-free for a fragrance-free gathering. Buy an organic, free-range turkey and other organic trimmings for your holiday dinner. If you can't get friends and family to be fragrance-free, eat it yourself.


6.) If you choose to drink wine or champagne, get the kind without the sulfites and uses organic grapes. I know someone who makes their own wine from all kinds of berries. It's pretty potent. Or drink Sparkling Cider. You can even find sugar-free Sparkling Cider. Or make your own.


7.) Don't eat junky foods like cookies, cakes, pies, divinity, candy canes, fudge, peppermint milkshakes, eggnog mocha lattes. Yeah, I know. Easier said than done. Stuff the stockings with nuts, fruits, and paperback books. If you can tolerate the smell of essential oils, use peppermint oil to scent your house.


8.) If you order and buy Christmas music CDs, be aware they might come scented. Instead download music or listen to radio stations that specialize in Christmas music. We have one in my area that starts playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving and doesn't stop until the day after Christmas. What a variety of music there is! Traditional, country, rock, hiphop, jazz, children's, religious, movie and television show soundtracks, medieval Gregorian chants....


9.) Use electric candles instead of those normally made from paraffin or beeswax that can negatively affect your air quality. Cough...cough...choke.


10.) Create your own traditions for the holidays that are scent-free and non-toxic. I start playing Christmas music on Thanksgiving and don't stop until Christmas day. I also watch the movie White Christmas with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye on Thanksgiving Day every year. I think I've been watching this every year since I was eight years old. It never fails to bring in the holiday spirit!

Be happy. Have fun. Stay safe. Feel grateful.

 

Happy Holidays!

Winter Project: Meatballs

The second recipe for making paper beads involves using mushed up newspaper. After nearly slicing my thumb off with the exacto knife while cutting the paper strips for the paper beads, I was hoping this recipe might be less dangerous and as non-toxic as the paper beads.

Directions:

First, take some sheets of old newspapers, not glossing advertising pages, but regular newsprint newspaper. The glossy pages have an added coating that makes the fibers hard to break down.

 

 

Tear the sheets into small pieces or if you have a paper shredder, use that. If you do it by hand, wear some latex or vinyl gloves. As you can see above, the ink gets all over your skin which is fairly gross and somewhat toxic.

Place the pieces in a crock pot and add enough boiling water to cover. Let sit for at least an hour stirring occasionally which helps break down the fibers. When the fibers are completely broken down, it will look mushy without defined pieces.

This is much messier than the other paper recipe. Also, the ink on the paper makes it a little more toxic as the hot water will make it smell.

 

Once the paper is mush, drain and squeeze out the excess water. Again, wear gloves or the ink will get all over your hands. You can see the ring of ink in the above photo.

Add some Elmer's glue so the paper will stick together. If you've ever done papier mache this is the same concept. Traditional papier mache recipes call for flour as the adhesive, but since we'll be making beads (balls) using this mixture thickly, I'd be afraid the flour would rot before it dried completely.

Then start rolling...and rolling...and rolling. As you begin each bead, determine how big you want it, squeeze out excess water, press together, then roll in the palms of your hands for an even spherical shape. Try to smooth out any rough edges which will save you sanding time later. Again, if you don't wear gloves, the ink will end up all over your hands.

 

Set on a non-stick surface to dry. I used plates. Make sure the bead-balls don't touch.

Over the next few days as they dry, reposition each ball so it dries evenly and not just on the top or bottom.

It takes about four days for the beads to dry, but give it a few extra days so you are certain the centers are also dry and not just the surface. They turn almost white when completely dry. Little white meatballs.

Once they are dry, if there are any rough edges, sand them down for a smooth surface. This is a hassle. I'm not sure how one is to hold a tiny little meatball and keep it still while sanding.

Then using a small drill bit, drill a hole into each bead. This is also a hassle. Not sure how one holds a tiny very hard little meatball while trying to drill a hole in it. I nearly drilled a hole through my hand a few times.

 

Paint each bead. I thought painting them bright colors would make them look less like meatballs, but I was wrong. They look like meatballs that have been painted. They are, however, very lightweight which might be advantageous for something. This process might be fun for a three-dimensional sculpture project of some kind.

The photos I've seen online of these beads painted in earthy colors and varnished are beautiful, but I realized I don't have the patience for this project. Besides the rolling, sanding, and drilling, with the ink smell, paint and varnish it's not  non-toxic at all which was the point.

I still like the paper beads better. I just need to be more watchful when using an exacto knife! I've been making about twenty paper beads a night. They are adding up!

Obamacare

Hooray Obama! He gets four more years to fight the Republicans. I still have no idea why anyone would have voted for Romney. I read one article about Romney bullying kids at his prep school. There was one incident where he cornered a boy, held him down, and cut off his hair just because he didn't like his hair style. That was just the tip of the iceberg. I've never heard anything like that about Obama, true or not. The best the Republicans could come up with was he wasn't an American citizen.

But mandatory health insurance...hmmmm. Not so excited about that, but at least it's SOMETHING. At least someone is attempting the change the incredibly bad health care system we have in the United States. Although I'm not excited about being forced to pay money to a sleazy corporation for my health care, I am hopeful the system will evolve into something better. I am hopeful this may eventually move toward universal health care so everyone can be covered without paying a corporation.

As it is I don't have health insurance. At times it worries me. What happens if I get in an accident? I spent a lot of time on my roof this summer. Suppose I would have fallen off? I had a friend break his ankle a few years ago. He had that catastrophic insurance coverage so it cost him $5,000 to have it fixed at the hospital. Without that insurance, he said it would have been about $40,000. The cost of health care in this country is an atrocity.

What happens if I get sick? Illness tends to happen the older you get. It's just a matter of time before one of my body parts decides to give out. I'm relying on my healthy dietary practices, exercise, good habits, and lack of bad habits to get me through. Crossing my fingers. Without health insurance, one bad accident or one catastrophic illness could render me bankrupt. I'd lose everything. It's a worry.

I am looking forward to some of the changes we might see with the mandatory insurance starting in 2014. For instance, the insurance companies won't be able to deny health coverage due to pre-existing conditions.  The pre-existing condition clauses in the health insurance contracts always worry me. Michael Moore's movie Sicko addresses the problem of sleazy insurance corporations working hard to find loop holes so if you do need care, they will find ways to deny your claims.

The best election joke I heard was David Letterman asking President Obama what he would tell people who were suffering from Romnesia.

He replied, "Obamacare covers pre-existing conditions."

HAHAHAHAHA!!

But insurance companies not covering pre-existing conditions irritates me to no end and it's my number one reason for not getting insurance. I find it really difficult to pay money into a very bad system.

Other reasons I don't have insurance:

I like my money. Insurance is expensive.

I don't like doctors. I can't find a doctor in my area that doesn't stink of chemicals. I've had doctors tell me to go away because they wear perfume and will continue to do so. The stupidity astounds me. Doctors are disappointing. With regard to chemical sensitivity, most of them don't have a clue so what would I be paying for? I don't see the point.

I know with our system the way it is it's not smart to not have insurance. I'm taking a risk.

Oh well, I've always been a risk-taker.

Here's an hilarious take on Romney's concession speech:

http://therealnews.com/t2/component/hwdvideoshare/?task=viewvideo&video_id=74959

Midnight Snacking

After forty straight days and nights of rain, the garden is drenched. Floating. So many of my tomatoes needed just one more month of sun and they would have been perfect. Instead, they are mushy, splitting and rotting right on the vine.

At three o'clock this morning, I awoke with a start. Rats. For some odd reason, I panicked at the thought of rats out in the garden in the middle of the night snacking on my soggy tomatoes. I even got a flashlight and peered out the window. Didn't see anything but rain. Rats scare me. Allowing them to snack is an invitation to move into my house. Come on in where it's nice and warm. I'll have more treats OR you can eat my walls. Shiver. Rats can burn down a house by gnawing on the electrical wiring. Shiver.

I know with fruit trees it's important to keep the windfalls off the ground to keep the rats away, but for some reason I spaced on the tomatoes. I kept thinking I could wait until the weather got colder and less wet to do fall garden clean up. I was up at 3:30am ready to work as soon as I could see into the yard.

One full wheelbarrow

 

Thousands of wasted tomatoes. Literally, thousands. I cleaned out both tomato beds and hauled four wheelbarrows full of vines and fruit.

Looks like more dirt than tomato, but everything was so muddy.

 

Plus two more buckets of rotten or still-green tomatoes. Some I had to search in the herbs and bushes as they had fallen and rolled. Others I had to dig in the very wet dirt to find them.

When the tomato plants were cleaned out and gone, I started on the squash vines. My last little zucchini had nibble marks. I don't know if rats like zucchini. Then the rain got so heavy I had to quit.

This is the part where I wondered why I grew tomatoes...so much work. I think in my area it would be better to grow things in a green house.

Happy Halloween!

I love Halloween. My childhood is filled with memories of crazy parties, strange costumes, haunted houses and bags of candy. I went Trick or Treating right into my teen years, without a costume, and didn't feel the least bit guilty about it. 

My favorite Trick or Treat memory was hiking into the next neighborhood because through the kid-grapevine, rumor had it a house was giving away cans of Coke. The drink, not the drug. Jackpot! We were so excited. I remember being very young and the leader of our group was a much older sister of my friend. She was about twelve. Venturing into another neighborhood was like visiting another world. Scary. I trusted she would know the way to the Coke and would get us back safely. I remember walking forever, exhausted from heaving our already heavy bags of candy along. Our leader was determined. She kept stopping other kids along the way and asking them about the Coke.

"Oh, yeah, they are giving it away! The house is just over a few more blocks." And on we'd go determined to get there before the other kids took it all. The anticipating building. The excitement unbearable.

We got within a block of the house and heard they ran out. As an adult looking back, I'm pretty sure the people probably ran out of candy and started giving away the contents in their refrigerators. Those were the good days. As we got older we started hearing about people putting razor blades in candy or kids getting poisoned. That was the first indication as a child the world wasn't the safe place we assumed it to be.

I have one memory of a haunted house. I was fourteen years old. I went with my best friend Susan. It was a huge haunted house sponsored by the local radio station. I only remember the first room. It looked like a hospital with an operating table. There was a woman on the table all bloody asking us to help her. Susan wasn't very smart and naturally, she started talking to the woman saying in the sweetest voice with such honest worry I wondered if she were crazy or part of the production, "What is the matter? How can I help you?" Susan absentmindedly let go of my arm and started walking toward the woman. The whole time I'm frantically whispering and trying to hold her back, "Susan, stop that! What are you doing? Get back here." The Mad Scientist appeared behind us with a large, bloody butcher knife. Not only did I scream the sound of unimaginable torture, but I ran through the whole haunted house! Susan kept trying to grabbed my arm for fear I would leave her, and I did. I was running so fast my coat came off and I just kept running. I didn't stop until I reached the parking lot where I met up with Susan still holding my coat. That was my first and last haunted house. Well, other than the ones I worked at.

As an adult, I stopped Trick or Treating (thankfully!) and living in the city for most of my adult life, I didn't give out candy to kids. Answering the door to strangers at night never appealed to me. I'd go to a friend's house for a costume party and watch them give out candy.

When I moved to my village in the country the first few years I was surrounded by kids. It was fun to give out candy and see their adorable costumes. I was so excited I gave out full-size candy bars not the fun-size because I wanted to be that house everyone talked about. The twin boys from next door screamed, "THESE ARE THE BIG ONES!" They were so thrilled. The second year I gave out the miniature pumpkins I grew in my garden in addition to candy! Then the kids all moved away. The last one graduated from high school last year.

Now that I'm chemically sensitive, I still love Halloween, but it is problematic because:

I can't go to costume parties because of the smells.

I can't hand out candy because I might eat it. That last year handing out candy I downed no less than ten bite-sized Butterfingers. Who knows how much rat feces I ingested in just that one night!?

It's hard to justify giving junk food to children. Besides the cost, I feel guilty. I feel like I'm setting a bad example. Or I'm poisoning them. There isn't much kids appreciate for treats other than junk food. Maybe I'll grow some more miniature pumpkins? Those were a hit.

Opening your door to strangers means exposure to all kinds of unknown and unwanted chemicals. Heck, with all the crazy people in society, opening your door to strangers at night is just asking for trouble.

And around here, the torrents of rain discourage even the most devoted Trick or Treater.

But I love Halloween. It's an awesome holiday.

Life Goals: Getting Arrested

Orange suits me.

I've never been arrested. I can guess a majority of the population have not been arrested, but it seems  like it would be an interesting experience. I see it happening on T.V. all the time. My life might then be divided into two separate time zones: pre-arrest and post-arrest.

I do worry about being in jail. The town jail might have other felons with stinky deodorant, laundry detergent or perfumes. The arresting police officer, the guards, the office people, or the fingerprinting and photography people might stink as well. I bet the cells are air freshened. That is my greatest fear. Well, that and really bad food if they opt to keep me overnight. Hopefully, I wouldn't be sent to prison because then I'd have to worry about stinky staff and guards there, too, although I have read in prison people aren't allowed to wear perfumes or colognes or receive them as gifts because of close proximity and allergy problems so maybe prison would be a safe place? Aside from the smelly soaps and shampoos?

Today I came very close to being arrested. My choice. As I left to make a quick errand to the library the mailman told me one of our streets was blocked due to a propane leak, but another street was open for traffic. I didn't think anything of it. My neighborhood is blocked in by rivers so there are only four streets with access to our homes.

I drove down the farthest street from where I was assuming the propane leak was located and as I'm leaving the neighborhood a police car and an emergency vehicle drove up the street and blocked the other, incoming lane. Hmmm...OK. Now if I had any sense I might have thought to make a quick U-turn and race home, but no, I left. My mistake.

Returning a half an hour later, ALL the streets were blocked. I spoke to a police officer who told me no one is allowed to go in and it might take another hour before the situation was deemed safe to return. OK, I thought as I turned around.

WAIT A MINUTE! I put a chicken in the oven and left the oven on! I have never done this before because I am scared to death of fires, but I thought I'd be gone for a very short time.

I drove to the next two blockades. One very young smart ass officer when I told him of my dilemma said, "Well, I guess you are lucky there are lots of fire engines in your neighborhood today!" Imagine a propane leak with an oven ON? Was the dummy even thinking? Our police department isn't known for its intelligence or its common sense. He told me to turn around and to not dare drive past the driveway located about 20 feet ahead. Young whipper-snapper threatening me. I must have had a you can't tell me what to do look on my face.

The other officer wasn't as sarcastic, but told me he couldn't let me through. No one seemed to care that my house might burn down. They weren't evacuating the neighborhood or the school right next to the leak, so I wasn't sure what all the drama was about. Our police force doesn't have much to do. We don't even have a donut shop in town.

Like the obedient civil servant I am, I u-turned out of his blockade and left, heading back to the library where I could sit and wait. As I sat I thought, What is my choice? My house burns down OR I get arrested? Hmmm...I've always wanted to be arrested. I wonder if they'd chase me with their lights flashing? Would they catch me before I reached my oven? Would they tackle me? Would they shoot me? Handcuffs would be cool.

I doubted if they would shoot me. Or tackle me. I wonder if I'd make it? It would be a wasted effort if I didn't make it.

I looked at the clock. In one hour my chicken would be done. In one and a half hours it might start to burn. Two hours it might be a fire hazard. How soon would that fire hazard ignite the whole neighborhood fueled by propane? I'd give them until 2:00pm and if they wouldn't see reason or offer an alternative, for instance, an officer going to my house with me or someone to turn the oven off for me, then I was planning to run the blockade.

How exciting! I selected my officer of choice. The young asshole might be too trigger happy. He'd definitely give chase, throw me to the ground, and shoot me in my driveway while making some smart ass remark if given the chance. The other one was very professional and sweet, but farther away which meant I would have to race meandering through the streets to get to my house. I might get in a wreck before I reached the oven or he'd call for backup and the closer officer would block my way. The last one, and closest, was also professional, older, and it was a straight shot to my house from his post. He was my guy.

Sorry to say, all the blockades were gone by the time I returned at 2:00pm.

Oh well. I'll wait for my next opportunity to get arrested.

The chicken turned out perfect.

Winter Project: Beads (Paper Recipe)

Living in the middle of no where is a challenge after spending most of my life in cities. Lots to do in a city. Not so much in the country. During the summer months, I garden, do house repairs, and lots of outdoor activities to stay busy and engaged. Then winter sets in making even the most active person want to hibernate. My first few winters in the country I thought I would go insane with boredom, so now I plan indoor projects in advance to keep me busy during the cold months. Previous years I have painted walls, furniture, and canvases, and built furniture. This year I wanted to something less toxic, less paint and less construction-oriented.



I'm making beads!! Long ago I decided I needed some room partitions for archways. The previous owner of my house used plastic slider doors that were in pretty bad shape...and UGLY. Gross. I removed them and instead envisioned colorful beaded partitions, like hippie chicks used to hang. I love the textures and patterns of beads and thought this would be a fun, playful, artsy look for rooms.

I have three, maybe four, archways that might benefit from a curtain of colorful beads. Two are off my kitchen between the kitchen and the pantry and the kitchen and the office so they will need to be blue, red, yellow, green, and white. Another is off the laundry room which is yellow, blue, purple, and green. The fourth is between two bedrooms so pink, blue, purple and white. I'll also make some black beads and maybe use them as accents and I have some white tubular beads that I think are made from bamboo that I can add in. I'll need at least a 1,000 beads for each, maybe more. We'll see how many beads I can make before I get tired of the process.

I found several bead recipes online using recycled paper. Paper is lightweight and durable. I wanted a material that wouldn't break every time someone would walk through the bead curtain. The first recipe was making beads from magazine covers, but the paper seemed too thin and the beads too tiny. I liked the idea, but it wasn't my vision. I have a whole box of unused construction paper in a closet that I've had for years and rarely gets used for anything so I experimented. I love the colors! Here's how to make paper beads whether you use magazine covers or construction paper:

 

First, cut the paper in triangular shapes. The longer the piece the thicker the bead. I use an Exacto knife and don't measure, but the measurements are about 1/4th inch on one end and 1 inch on the other.

 

Run a bead of Elmer's glue (or any glue that dries clear) along one side. Elmer's glue has a bit of smell, but it doesn't seem to bother me. Also, because it's so very non-toxic, getting it on my hands doesn't affect my skin either.

 

Roll the paper, glue side out, on a toothpick starting at the thick end. I'm using a bag of kabob sticks I bought at a yard sale for this very purpose. As you roll, try to keep the paper centered, but this is really difficult. If it's off center, you'll get a variation of shapes and as you can see, mine are all off centered! I don't care. I think it makes the beads look interesting. Do try to keep the paper tight so it's not loopy.

 

 

Position the sticks with the wet beads so they aren't touching. Let the glue dry.

Because I don't want the colors to fade in the sunlight, I've chosen to varnish each bead. This IS toxic, but I'm doing it in a separate room while wearing a mask, gloves, and opening a window. I've used this varnish on furniture and find it relatively non-toxic. It also dries fast leaving no smell. It makes the beads shiny, pretty and a little stronger than they would be without.

 

I place like colors on one stick and varnish them all at once. Before they are allowed to dry I make sure the beads aren't touching. After they dry, I'm storing them in egg cartons.

 

I plan to hang them using fishing wire from a piece of wood.

It's going to take a lot of beads, but I have all winter!

In another post, I'll show how to make beads from newspapers which is a much different process.