Life Goals: Getting Arrested

Orange suits me.

I've never been arrested. I can guess a majority of the population have not been arrested, but it seems  like it would be an interesting experience. I see it happening on T.V. all the time. My life might then be divided into two separate time zones: pre-arrest and post-arrest.

I do worry about being in jail. The town jail might have other felons with stinky deodorant, laundry detergent or perfumes. The arresting police officer, the guards, the office people, or the fingerprinting and photography people might stink as well. I bet the cells are air freshened. That is my greatest fear. Well, that and really bad food if they opt to keep me overnight. Hopefully, I wouldn't be sent to prison because then I'd have to worry about stinky staff and guards there, too, although I have read in prison people aren't allowed to wear perfumes or colognes or receive them as gifts because of close proximity and allergy problems so maybe prison would be a safe place? Aside from the smelly soaps and shampoos?

Today I came very close to being arrested. My choice. As I left to make a quick errand to the library the mailman told me one of our streets was blocked due to a propane leak, but another street was open for traffic. I didn't think anything of it. My neighborhood is blocked in by rivers so there are only four streets with access to our homes.

I drove down the farthest street from where I was assuming the propane leak was located and as I'm leaving the neighborhood a police car and an emergency vehicle drove up the street and blocked the other, incoming lane. Hmmm...OK. Now if I had any sense I might have thought to make a quick U-turn and race home, but no, I left. My mistake.

Returning a half an hour later, ALL the streets were blocked. I spoke to a police officer who told me no one is allowed to go in and it might take another hour before the situation was deemed safe to return. OK, I thought as I turned around.

WAIT A MINUTE! I put a chicken in the oven and left the oven on! I have never done this before because I am scared to death of fires, but I thought I'd be gone for a very short time.

I drove to the next two blockades. One very young smart ass officer when I told him of my dilemma said, "Well, I guess you are lucky there are lots of fire engines in your neighborhood today!" Imagine a propane leak with an oven ON? Was the dummy even thinking? Our police department isn't known for its intelligence or its common sense. He told me to turn around and to not dare drive past the driveway located about 20 feet ahead. Young whipper-snapper threatening me. I must have had a you can't tell me what to do look on my face.

The other officer wasn't as sarcastic, but told me he couldn't let me through. No one seemed to care that my house might burn down. They weren't evacuating the neighborhood or the school right next to the leak, so I wasn't sure what all the drama was about. Our police force doesn't have much to do. We don't even have a donut shop in town.

Like the obedient civil servant I am, I u-turned out of his blockade and left, heading back to the library where I could sit and wait. As I sat I thought, What is my choice? My house burns down OR I get arrested? Hmmm...I've always wanted to be arrested. I wonder if they'd chase me with their lights flashing? Would they catch me before I reached my oven? Would they tackle me? Would they shoot me? Handcuffs would be cool.

I doubted if they would shoot me. Or tackle me. I wonder if I'd make it? It would be a wasted effort if I didn't make it.

I looked at the clock. In one hour my chicken would be done. In one and a half hours it might start to burn. Two hours it might be a fire hazard. How soon would that fire hazard ignite the whole neighborhood fueled by propane? I'd give them until 2:00pm and if they wouldn't see reason or offer an alternative, for instance, an officer going to my house with me or someone to turn the oven off for me, then I was planning to run the blockade.

How exciting! I selected my officer of choice. The young asshole might be too trigger happy. He'd definitely give chase, throw me to the ground, and shoot me in my driveway while making some smart ass remark if given the chance. The other one was very professional and sweet, but farther away which meant I would have to race meandering through the streets to get to my house. I might get in a wreck before I reached the oven or he'd call for backup and the closer officer would block my way. The last one, and closest, was also professional, older, and it was a straight shot to my house from his post. He was my guy.

Sorry to say, all the blockades were gone by the time I returned at 2:00pm.

Oh well. I'll wait for my next opportunity to get arrested.

The chicken turned out perfect.