Fester, Fester, Fester

Anger is exhausting, stressful, and all-consuming negatively affecting one's well-being.

I'm angry a lot. If not angry, then just plain irritable. Anything can set me off: entitled neighbors, disrespectful relatives, inconsiderate friends, and stupid people in general. Mostly people, but I've been known to get angry at nails, plants, rocks, and insects, as well, although less frequently. I once got mad at my van and slammed on its brakes. I'm sure the van learned its lesson.

I know a lot of it has to do with chemicals as I find I am less tolerant of anything if I'm dealing with an exposure. The more deadly the exposure, the more irritable I become. I can't control it. My only remedy is to cloister myself within my house, avoid people, and wait it out. I yell at the walls, pace the floors, chop down the garden, or do some physical labor in the privacy of my self-confinement. Detoxification methods help as they move the toxic load out of my body which alleviates the pressure on my brain. So does diet. When I gave up gluten I had a strange, unnatural wave of contentment wash over me. It's an ongoing battle to squelch the constant, rising emotion of anger on a daily basis.

Prior to chemical sensitivity I was incredibly good-natured, easy-going, and friendly. Getting angry or irritable lasted five minutes and it was over.

Some, however, hold on to their anger and resentment for a lifetime.

Not too long ago I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen since college. We made small talk and did some minor catching up using the people we were with as an audience for our memories. Then out of the blue my old friend assumed a tone of hostility as she began reminiscing about a package she sent to me when I was living in Switzerland. Her voice became very loud as she told us how she couldn't believe back then I wanted her to send me...peanut butter. She laughed sarcastically at how self-centered I was and how the postage on the jar of peanut butter cost three times as much as the actual peanut butter. Her fake laughter contradicted the obvious resentment she felt. She kept yelling repeatedly, "THREE TIMES AS MUCH AS IT COST!" I was embarrassed. I stared in disbelief trying to remember the peanut butter, but only remembering how wonderful her letters and packages made me feel at a time when I was incredibly homesick. She looked at her friend and my friend and yelled, "Can you believe she would do that?" Our friends stared at her as surprised as I was at her hostility.

I asked her, "If it was so expensive and such a hardship, why did you send it?"

She ignored my question and continued to laugh hysterically explaining she had asked me in a letter what I missed most about living in the United States and I had jokingly replied, "Peanut butter." For some reason she felt obligated to send it to me. And it was my fault. My thoughtlessness was to blame. I was shocked this small gesture of kindness I so very much appreciated at the time was a lifetime's source of anger and resentment for her. I had no idea she felt this way. I was amazed she blamed me for it instead of herself. I wonder over those years how often she thought about it and how much anger had built up over time. How did this anger affect her health over the years? I have vague memories of the peanut butter, but her resentment has totally changed my perception of our history together. Maybe she had become chemically sensitive?

We all have experiences in our past we'd like to forget. Some of us dwell on them, others go through years of counseling, and still more forgive, forget and live their lives to the fullest.

Jason Mraz has a song on his new CD Love is a Four Letter Word called "Living in the Moment". It's my new theme song. I love the words:

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free
I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me
So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I only do this by

Chorus:
Living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment

I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done
I let my past go past
And now I'm having more fun
I'm letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone
And if I fall asleep
I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me
To live in the moment

(Chorus)

I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
I spun around and hurt no more by 

(Chorus)


Video:

I am rendezvousing with the Mraz Man this weekend and hope to soak up all that positive spirit of his!

I haven't been to a concert in about thirteen years. Wish me luck!