Chocolate is Evil

Right around any holiday the chocolate companies start advertising the health benefits of chocolate. For anyone who is addicted this well-planned propaganda seems heaven-sent giving us just one more rational justification for caving to the craving. I've heard chocolate decreases heart disease, improves mood, raises energy, reduces blood pressure, can provide relief from asthma by relaxing bronchial muscles and, last but not least, has an ingredient (phenethylamine) that mimics the feeling of falling in love. Who wouldn't want to feel like they are falling in love? Who needs a high-maintenance man for Valentine's Day when we can have chocolate? I'm sold! As I'm pulling my hair and screaming, "GIVE ME CHOCOLATE," in the back of my rational mind I ask, "Who paid for this so-called research? Mars? Hershey? Nestlé?" $ Cha-ching $ Cha-ching $

What they don't tell you is chocolate may cause headaches, migraines, fatigue, nervous system overstimulation, depression, mood swings, irritability, hyperactivity, feelings of rage, weight gain, premenstrual insanity, autoimmune attacks, heart palpitations, insomnia, heartburn, allergic reactions, acid reflux, sex drive reduction, diabetes, and cancer. It makes you feel in love, but reduces your sex drive? It improves mood, but makes you depressed...at the same time? Am I the only one who sees the contradiction?

I knew someone who was diagnosed with Lyme Disease, suffering greatly with episodes of fatigue and general misery. I kept telling him, "Give up the fancy chocolate, damn it!" AS A TEST He refused citing his entitlement to just one low-cost luxury. The addiction had him by the balls. After two years of treatments and thousands of dollars in medical bills, his liver failed due to all the antibiotics. Unable to function, he was forced to convalesce on the couch and eat very little which involved giving up his gourmet chocolate. His health improved miraculously.  Soon after recovery, he attempted to go back to eating chocolate - all his symptoms and suffering returned. It wasn't Lyme Disease, it was chocolate! Chocolate is evil.

Another friend had bouts of severe depression with thoughts of suicide. After losing her insurance benefits which paid for her very expensive anti-depressants, she desperately asked my advice. Too young to die, she thought, she was willing to give up chocolate and coffee AS A TEST. She made it clear it was only a test. The depression lifted. After a few weeks, the mocha lattes called to her - LOUDLY. She couldn't resist. Within the hour she was ranting, crying, and screaming at her boyfriend for absolute no rational reason. Chocolate is evil.

I'm fairly certain my ten-year old neighbor who suffered from migraines was reacting to chocolate. His mother said the pain was so bad he would hold his head and whimper because crying made it worse. Doctors had no idea why which always sends up red flags for me. As I stood staring at the enormous, half-eaten dark chocolate cake on the counter, I told her my theory and suggested eliminating chocolate from his diet. AS A TEST. She laughed like a maniac and said dripping with addiction, "Oh, he's not going to give up chocolate! He loves it too much!" Who is the parent here? If your child was suffering so greatly wouldn't you try anything? I had a bad feeling about this, but hey, I hardly knew the woman and I wasn't his parent. I couldn't accuse her of child abuse, although I was tempted. Chocolate is evil.

Notice in every story I'm emphasizing AS A TEST. Suggesting anyone to give up chocolate is dangerous. They become hostile.  I usually find myself repeating over and over AS A TEST, JUST A TEST, ONLY A SHORT TEST. Slowly back away.

What I was surprised to find out is chocolate is a cross-reactor to gluten, in other words, it acts like gluten in your system. If you suffer from any kind of gluten sensitivity, celiac disease or autoimmune disease, chocolate will incite an attack and contribute to any of the above mentioned miseries. It is said most people are gluten sensitive in some way.

If health issues aren't convincing enough, I remember years ago some study that came out about the percentage of rat feces and cockroach anatomy found in chocolate bars due to the vermin dancing on top of the wonderful smelling vats and, oops!, falling in. Eeeww! And of course, if it's not "fair trade" then do remember those little cocoa beans were harvested by un-fairly treated children and slaves. Oh yeah! It kills pets, too. That's got to be a clue.

Face it, chocolate is evil. Personified, it would be the devil of food stuffs. It tempts and entices. Few can resist. If you do manage to fight the craving, it calls to you like any drug addiction because IT IS a drug and has been used as such since the beginning of time. The capitalistic money-making machine saw fit to making it into a dessert. Addictions sell.

Kicking the habit is torture. Even knowing all these horrible things, the smell of chocolate can still make me swoon and forget about the rat shit. If you do see the light and are so inclined to give it up AS A TEST, it takes time.  Be patient and strong.  For me it was three weeks of pure hell. After that you will fight the urge for the rest of your life. It never stops calling to you, sweetly and seductively. Your willpower will come from feeling better without it.

I change my mind - maybe a man is less high-maintenance than a chocolate addiction?

Happy Valentine's Day!

Do you eat chocolate? Suffer from any of the above symptoms? Are you willing to give up? Why not?