Sunday, April 8, 2012

Facing Death

I don't think most people understand the finality of death which makes it easier to toy with suicidal ideation. Nor do most people understand how chemicals can screw with your thought processes. What one needs now and then is a reality check.

 A few years ago I went into a clinic to get a regular physical examination. It had been a long time and I had been feeling extremely tired so I wanted a basic blood lab done. The doctor wasn't even a real doctor. He was one of those physician's assistants, a fake-doctor. I didn't care. He was cheap.  I figured if he didn't know how to read labs I'd do it myself.

I pointed out my juiciest vein and  he blew it, sliced right through it. I guess you get what you pay for but I was still fairly confident he would succeed. Phlebotomy isn't that difficult. I showed him my second best vein. He turned that one down because he couldn't see it. Obviously he didn't know what he was doing. He decided he was going through my hand. Ouch! Now I was worried. Having been a medical assistant in a former life I know sucking blood out of a hand is not a good idea, but I was determined to get the lab done if I had to do it myself. He did finally end up with a full sample, but his technique clearly indicated he had no right to call himself a doctor let alone a fake-doctor.

When the fake-doctor called the next day to inform me I was dying, I started laughing. As I laughed he said he made an appointment for me at a cancer clinic, drop everything and leave immediately. I kept laughing because he made it sound like he thought I was going to drop dead at any moment. It was absurd. I couldn't believe a health care professional would tell a patient they were dying after one blood lab. It's just not done.

He screamed at me, "I AM THE DOCTOR AND YOU NEED TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY! THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!" What an arrogant fake-doctor to think it was his choice and not mine.

"IF I'M DYING THEN WHERE ARE MY SYMPTOMS?" The longer I stayed on the phone with him the angrier I became.

He got really quiet then began stuttering. He  whined, "Well, uh, er, ummm...maybe you just needs some iron supplements?"

"AND YOU WANT ME TO GET THOSE AT A CANCER CLINIC????"  That would have cost me a minimum of $1,000 with no insurance.

I told him he was an unprofessional idiot and hung up.

But, but...maybe he was right? Oh God. I have been really tired. I might be dying.  Even though I assumed he screwed up the blood sample, all rationality went right out the door. I could die? I searched online for reasons why my labs might be off and found all kinds of corresponding diseases. Good Lord, I could be dying! There have been days when I wanted to give up, but that day was not one of them. I was angry, not only at this idiot, but hey, wait, I don't want to die! I'm too young! 

It was a two-week wait for my appointment with a real doctor. If I wasn't feeling dazed with disbelief, I was certainly angry. I watched an elderly woman with very wrinkly skin and a raspy voice buy a pack of cigarettes at the local grocery store. I wanted to scream at her, WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE IF YOU SMOKE? THIS IS NOT FAIR! It didn't matter how depressed I'd ever been or how miserable I felt. I didn't want to die. With the end approaching, the trees seemed much greener and the air much sweeter.



Anyway, the idiot fake-doctor did screw up the blood draw and my blood was normal.  How many uninsured patients would have panicked and spent an enormous amount of money because of this man's incompetence? Is it any wonder I don't trust doctors?

That two-week death sentence sure gave me a whole new perspective. I don't want to die. Ever. Now if I am exposed to a toxin that swells my brain making me feel irrational, depressed and/or irritable, while in its grasp I remind myself  repeatedly how I'm feeling is not reality.  I think many of us underestimate the power of poison and its effect on our perception of life.

Anytime you are feeling depressed, irritable or irrational, take back the power by screaming as loudly as possible:


CHEMICALS ARE FUCKING WITH MY BRAIN!


Don't be shy - SCREAM IT! No matter where you are. Send a verbal message to your brain. Repeat as often as needed or at least until it makes you laugh.


No comments:

Post a Comment