A few years ago I went into a clinic to get a
regular physical examination. It had been a long time and I had been feeling extremely
tired so I wanted a basic blood lab done. The doctor wasn't even a real doctor.
He was one of those physician's assistants, a fake-doctor. I didn't care. He
was cheap. I figured if he didn't know how to read labs I'd do it myself.
I pointed out my juiciest vein and
he blew it, sliced right through it. I guess you get what you
pay for but I was still fairly confident he would succeed. Phlebotomy isn't
that difficult. I showed him my second best vein. He turned that one down because
he couldn't see it. Obviously he didn't know what he was doing. He decided he was going through my hand. Ouch! Now I was
worried. Having been a medical assistant in a former life I know sucking blood
out of a hand is not a good idea, but I was determined to get the lab done if I had to do it myself. He did finally end up with a full sample, but his technique clearly indicated he had no right to call himself a doctor let alone a fake-doctor.
When the
fake-doctor called the next day to inform me I was dying, I started laughing.
As I laughed he said he made an appointment for me at a cancer clinic, drop everything
and leave immediately. I kept laughing because he made it sound like he thought
I was going to drop dead at any moment. It was absurd. I couldn't believe a
health care professional would tell a patient they were dying after one blood
lab. It's just not done.
He screamed
at me, "I AM THE DOCTOR AND YOU NEED TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY! THIS IS A
MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!" What an arrogant fake-doctor to think it was
his choice and not mine.
"IF I'M
DYING THEN WHERE ARE MY SYMPTOMS?" The longer I stayed on the phone with
him the angrier I became.
He got really quiet then began stuttering. He whined, "Well, uh, er, ummm...maybe you just needs some iron
supplements?"
"AND YOU
WANT ME TO GET THOSE AT A CANCER CLINIC????" That would have cost me a minimum of $1,000
with no insurance.
I told him he
was an unprofessional idiot and hung up.
But, but...maybe he was right? Oh God. I have been really tired. I might be dying. Even though I assumed he
screwed up the blood sample, all rationality went
right out the door. I could die? I searched online for reasons why my labs might be off and
found all kinds of corresponding diseases. Good Lord, I could be dying! There
have been days when I wanted to give up, but that day was not one of them. I
was angry, not only at this idiot, but hey, wait, I don't want to die! I'm too
young!
It was a two-week
wait for my appointment with a real doctor. If I wasn't feeling dazed with disbelief, I was
certainly angry. I watched an elderly woman with very wrinkly skin and a raspy
voice buy a pack of cigarettes at the local grocery store. I wanted to scream
at her, WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE IF YOU SMOKE? THIS IS NOT FAIR! It
didn't matter how depressed I'd ever been or how miserable I felt. I didn't want to
die. With the end approaching, the trees seemed much greener and the air much
sweeter.
Anyway, the
idiot fake-doctor did screw up the
blood draw and my blood was normal. How many uninsured patients would have panicked and spent an enormous amount of money because of this man's incompetence? Is it any wonder I don't trust doctors?
That two-week
death sentence sure gave me a whole new perspective. I don't want to die. Ever.
Now if I am exposed to a toxin that swells my brain making me feel irrational,
depressed and/or irritable, while in its grasp I remind myself repeatedly how I'm feeling
is not reality. I think many of us underestimate the power of
poison and its effect on our perception of life.
Anytime you
are feeling depressed, irritable or irrational, take back the power by screaming as loudly as possible:
CHEMICALS ARE FUCKING WITH MY BRAIN!
Don't be shy - SCREAM IT! No matter where you are. Send a verbal message to your brain. Repeat as often as needed or at least until it makes you laugh.
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